Anger And Blame: Tips For Moving Past Serious Relationship Issues

Some men seem angry all the time and tend to blame their problems on others rather than accept responsibility for their actions. Knowing how to move forward in the marriage can be difficult when your husband is always angry and blames you for everything. Read on to explore the psychology of anger and blame—and some tips for moving past them.  

What causes angry men to blame their partners?

Some men experience anger instead of other emotions because they don't have the emotional intelligence (recognizing and understanding feelings) or emotional literacy (expressing needs and feelings) necessary to process how they react to what happens. 

How blame affects your emotions:

• Anger: You may feel angry that he’s blaming you for things that aren’t your fault. 
• Guilt: When you’re constantly blamed, you may begin to believe that you’re to blame. 
• Hurt: It may hurt when you’re blamed, leaving you feeling helpless and unable to control the situation.
• Confusion: You may not understand why your husband blames you for his anger, leading to confusion and uncertainty. 

What causes your husband’s anger?

You may wonder what causes your husband's anger and why he frequently aims it at you. While the reasons will vary from one person to another, there are some common causes of lingering anger in men. 

He may have low-self-esteem

If your husband has low self-esteem, he may blame you for his anger because it makes him feel better about himself. He may think you're an easy target because you're there, and he may take it for granted that you will continue to be there despite his bad behavior. 

He may be struggling with a personality disorder

Your husband may be angry and blame you as symptoms of a personality disorder. While understanding his behavior can help, it doesn't excuse mistreating you. Personality disorders can be treated with psychotherapy and medication, minimizing the impact of symptoms. 

He may be emotionally abusive

Emotionally abusive behavior is often learned during childhood. Kids tend to model behaviors after their primary caregivers. If your husband witnessed a lot of anger and blame growing up, it could influence his attachment style, affecting adult behaviors and how he relates to others. 

If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7.

Other anger causes

• Stress and anxiety
• Feelings of frustration and being unappreciated
• Financial troubles
• Having problems at work
• Issues in the relationship
• Difficulty recognizing and expressing emotions

Types of anger

Passive-aggressive anger

Some people display passive-aggressive anger by repressing their feelings to avoid addressing the problem, often in unhealthy or undermining ways. 

Assertive anger

People with assertive anger often handle the emotion with control, calmly explaining their feelings with words and attempting to diffuse the situation. Anger is generally expressed in a non-threatening manner. 

Openly aggressive anger

This type of anger is often unhealthy and may be accompanied by verbal or physical aggression. Anger is generally used to hurt the one it’s directed toward. 

Anger presentations can look like.

• Clenched jaw
• Intense eye contact
• Furrowed brows
• Flushed skin
• Yelling
• Frowning and scowling
• Sweating or trembling
• Pacing
• Sarcasm or hostility

How being blamed for everything affects you

Undeserved blame and anger can affect you in many ways, and those effects can grow stronger over time if nothing happens to resolve the underlying issues. 

Low self-esteem

If your husband has been constantly angry and blaming you for a long time, it can substantially affect your self-esteem and self-worth. 

Repressed anger and resentment

The more unresolved arguments you have with your husband where he gets angry and blames you, you may find that you're experiencing repressed anger and resentment. Over time, the distance could grow between you, damaging the emotional intimacy in your marriage. 

Emotional distance and loss of intimacy

Anger and blame can create emotional distance and the loss of intimacy in your marriage. However, it doesn’t mean the relationship is beyond saving. Working with a licensed couples therapist and making a dedicated effort to change his behavior patterns can lead to a healthier, happier marriage. 

Working past anger and blame in the relationship

Anger and blame can be intense challenges to a happy, healthy relationship, but they don’t have to be the end of your marriage. Moving past serious relationship issues can be difficult, but with dedicated effort, your husband can learn healthy ways to manage his anger, and you can find ways to grow closer as a couple. 

“If you want to stop using blame as a way to hold your spouse accountable, you must up your emotional intelligence by paying attention to when you are angry, upset, or hurt by something your spouse has done that you don’t like.” — Catherine Aponte, Psy.D., Psychology Today

Talk to your husband

Moving past the issues causing your husband to get angry and blame you is a process, and the first step is talking to him about the underlying issues that upset him. Anger is a reaction to something, whether fear, insecurity, disappointment, or another emotion, and it can be helpful to identify what the anger is really about. 

Take responsibility for your mistakes

When you’re constantly blamed for everything, regardless of whether it’s your fault, you may react in various ways, such as avoiding your husband, accepting his blame, or not taking it for anything. It is healthy to recognize when you’ve made a mistake and take responsibility for your actions, but only when you are actually at fault. 

Stop apologizing

Don’t apologize if you haven’t done anything wrong. It may reinforce the idea that he can continue blaming you. 

Set healthy boundaries

Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries can help you find the necessary balance to manage your feelings and react to your husband's. If he insists on acting angry and blaming you, try disengaging from the conversation and taking a step back to put things in perspective. 

Healthy ways to respond to your husband’s anger

It may seem unfair that it’s necessary to change your behavior patterns to account for your husband’s anger, but it can be essential to remember that you can only control how you act and react. You are not responsible for his feelings or behavior, just as he isn't responsible for yours. 

Create a pause strategy

Talk to each other and develop a pause strategy when either of you feels the situation is growing too emotionally charged. Establish a phrase and honor it when either of you needs a moment to calm your emotions and avoid an angry reaction. 

Don’t match unhealthy reactions

It may be challenging not to react with anger and hostility when it’s aimed at you, but that rarely leads to a productive exchange. 

Coping strategies to help him manage anger

• Identify and address the underlying cause.
• Practice meditation and a mindful lifestyle. 
• Get regular physical activity. 
• Express your anger instead of bottling it up. 
• Recognize anger triggers and avoid them. 

Reach out for help

Working through emotional distress and past relationship issues can be challenging to manage independently. If you and your husband are having trouble with anger and blame, you may benefit from speaking with a mental health professional who can offer support and guidance as you identify relationship issues and find healthy ways to move forward together. 

How therapy can help you work past anger and blame

If your husband is consistently angry and tends to blame you for everything, consider asking him to join you for couples therapy or talk about how his actions make you feel with an individual therapist at a relationship-focused virtual therapy platform like Regain. Couples therapy can help you learn effective ways to communicate your feelings and needs while building practical coping skills to manage stress and anger. A qualified therapist can also teach you conflict resolution techniques and expand your emotional intelligence and literacy so you can both recognize and express your feelings. 

Research shows no significant difference in the results of online and in-person couples therapy. Both groups showed increased relationship satisfaction during the study and reduced depression, anxiety, and stress symptoms. Virtual treatment is typically less expensive, has shorter wait times, and offers unparalleled convenience, allowing patients to participate more reliably. Studies also show that individual online therapy is as effective as in-person treatment.

Takeaway 

Many people are living with an angry husband who blames them for everything. While the situation may be stressful, it doesn't mean the marriage has no hope. The information presented in this article may offer insight into why your husband is angry and how to navigate the relationship moving forward with healthy boundaries and communication.