My Husband Left Me: How To Move Forward In A Healthy Way After He Leaves
Finding out that your marriage is over can turn your world upside down. You might be scared, anxious, angry, shocked, and worried about what this means for your future. Your husband leaving you may shatter all of the dreams, hopes, and plans you had for your life, and you may wonder if you’ll ever get past it. Although you won’t be spending your life with the person you thought you would be with forever, you can still process and move forward from this situation in productive, healthy ways.
Tips for when your husband leaves
1. It's okay not to be okay
If your husband has left you, your life has likely just been drastically changed. So, rather than putting on a brave face and acting like everything is okay, know that it’s natural to be struggling. Allowing yourself time to grieve your marriage can be important, and this process can take you through many different stages. Some stages may take longer than others to work through, and this can be natural.
You may have people that want to check in on you and make sure you're doing okay. If these people have been through a divorce or know someone who has, they may want to tell you how long things will take or give you advice from their own experience. However, try not to get caught up in comparing your recovery process to others; this is different for everyone. As time goes on, you will likely experience more and more healing, but for now, it's okay to not be okay.
2. Take it one day at a time
After your husband has left you, your mind might be racing with all the things you have to figure out. For example, you need to know how you will continue to pay the bills, raise your kids, and handle all of your other responsibilities. There's a lot that is likely to demand your attention in the coming days. Rather than getting caught up in it all at once, try to take it one day at a time.
Some days, there might be a lot that demands your attention. Some days, you might struggle to get out of bed. Then, other days, you might feel empowered and like you can conquer the world. It can be natural and normal to go back and forth, so focus on one day at a time.
3. Accept that you might never have the answers that you want
You probably have a lot of questions about why your husband left. You may think that if you get the answers to those questions, you’ll be able to move on and feel at peace. While getting closure can help, it doesn’t guarantee there won’t still be pain. Additionally, your husband might not be willing to talk and give you the closure you need. It can be hard to accept that you probably won't get all the answers you want. Still, know that you don't need to know everyone in order to move forward healthily. Sometimes, it can be healthier to start your healing journey despite having unanswered questions.
4. Practice self-care
Self-care is talked about a lot these days. We live in such a busy world where we feel like we need to be constantly running and may find it hard to take time to ourselves to relax and unwind. If your husband left and you have children to take care of, you might not have a lot of time to devote to yourself. You’re probably more concerned about your kids and how they are going to adjust to the change. It may even be easier for you to deal with the situation when you can use your kids as a distraction from having to process through your pain.
However, it can be vital to take care of yourself during this time. You might be struggling to eat or not eat or sleeping too much or not enough. It might be hard for you to want to do anything at all. Take time to figure out what you need to be healthy during this time. Consider paying attention to these essential areas:
Sleep – It can be crucial to get enough rest at night so that your body can refuel and recharge for the next day. Stress and anxiety can make it hard to sleep, but some things can help, like meditation, deep breathing, or even medication. Always consult your doctor about the use of medication.
Eating right - Two extremes are easy to jump to when you go through major stress-eating too much or not eating enough. You may find that you're turning to food for comfort when dealing with your divorce. This could include grabbing unhealthy foods, like hitting the drive-thru, because your schedule is extra busy as you adjust to life without your husband. This type of eating can hurt your physical body and mental health. Not eating enough can do the same. It can be important to focus on eating balanced meals and snacks.
Movement - This might not be the right time to take up a serious workout regimen, but exercise can help your mental health. As you exercise, you receive a boost in brain chemicals that improve your mood. Living a healthier lifestyle can also help boost your confidence which may have taken a hit when your husband left.
After those three areas, there are plenty of other things that you can choose to do for self-care. Think about what activities help you to recharge and feel better. It could be taking the time to read a book, meditate, or journal, as a few examples.
5. Surround yourself with a support system that isn't your husband
There's a chance that your major support system in the past was your husband. Now that he's gone, it's time to build a new one. Find family members and friends that you can turn to during the difficult days ahead. These can also be the people that get you out of the house and help you start having fun again when you're ready. Ensure that these are people that you can trust with your feelings. Not everyone you come across is someone you should let on these deepest feelings and hardest days. Still, you can find people that you can be completely open and honest with. A healthy support system can improve your mental health and help you to feel less alone. It can be crucial during such a stressful time as the one you’re going through.
Online counseling with Regain
Being left by a spouse can leave you with a lot of emotional pain and doubts about yourself and your worth. While a strong support system can help, a therapist can provide added professional support. Not only can they be a listening ear, but they can also provide you with helpful tips and strategies to move forward healthily. Regain has therapists available 24/7 so that you aren’t waiting around to get the care you need. You can message them throughout the day as different painful emotions arise and find comfort in their responses. Although most other aspects of your life might be changing, your therapist can be a steady source of encouragement as you move forward with your life.
The efficacy of online counseling
Online counseling can be utilized by individuals who have experienced divorce and are coping with the aftermath. In a 1-year study of the efficacy of an online platform for adults going through divorce, researchers found that participants experienced significantly reduced anxious, depressive, and somatization symptoms. These results “suggest that online intervention platforms may be effective in reducing adverse mental health related effects of divorce and thereby offer long-term human and public health benefits.”
Therapist reviews
“Dr. Anstadt is amazing. I appreciate him always reaching out to make sure things are going smoothly in between our sessions. He follows up and genuinely cares about my situation. I would recommend Dr. Anstadt to anyone who is seeking insight on coparenting and new relationships after divorce. Thank you for everything!”
“Christina was very helpful when I told her I left my spouse. I wasn't sure what I wanted, a divorce or reconciliation. She helped me start processing where I was, to where do I see myself, to what do I want, to how do I see myself getting obtaining these goals. She did not influence any of my decisions, but guided me with thought provoking questions. Throughout our short sessions, she continued to reassure me that she or someone else, would always be there for me. Thank you Christina for your professionalism, your guidance and your compassion to help others. I look forward to continuing my therapy sessions with you, as my goals are not yet met.”
Takeaway
Being left by your husband can leave you feeling a deep sense of abandonment that may seem like it’ll never go away. Knowing what steps to take next can be difficult to determine, especially when you’re grappling with a whirlwind of emotions. Surrounding yourself with a positive support system, allowing yourself time to heal, and avoiding blaming yourself can all help you process the situation. Additionally, confiding in a trained professional through online counseling can help you recover with more ease. Being left by your husband may make you feel alone, but you are far from it.
Frequently asked questions (FAQs):
What are my rights if my husband leaves me?
The rights afforded you can vary from state to state. Some states consider all marital property even and require as close to an even 50/50 split as possible. In contrast, others have variable laws and rules regarding what occurs with a couple during a divorce.
The immersion of your lives can dictate some of the rights you are or are not afforded. If, for instance, you never fused your bank accounts during your marriage, your money may not be touched by your husband, and you may not be able to touch any of theirs. In other states, even if your lives were not fused, all marital property or all wealth accumulated during the marriage is to be split down the middle.
Determining your rights if your husband leaves you requires either reaching out to a lawyer or thoroughly investigating the laws in your country, state, or country. Marriage may seem simple enough when the two of you are in love and eager to spend your lives together. Still, the process of dissolving a marriage can be confusing and difficult to navigate and often requires you to involve divorce mediators or a series of lawyers. If you are concerned about finances, mediators are often far less expensive than lawyers and provide a two-in-one service, offering both relationship and legal guidance.
What do you do when your husband suddenly leaves you?
Having your spouse suddenly leave you can be a challenge. When a partner unexpectedly leaves, it can feel as though the world you’ve built has come crashing down. Although you cannot avoid or replace the grief that comes crashing down on you, there are some steps you can take to increase your chances of landing on your feet and recovering from the loss. These include:
Take stock. It might feel impossible to be practical in the days and weeks to come. If you have children, you also need to account for the expenses associated with them. Take a few hours or even an entire day to evaluate how much money you need to survive and what financial responsibilities need to be taken care of.
Create a plan of action. Your plan of action might be to do the bare minimum for the next three months and allow yourself to grieve. As long as you create some plan that allows you to take care of your bills and fulfill basic responsibilities, you can take time to grieve and fully experience the pain of being left by your husband.
Ask for help. Whether you need help at work, at home, or with your mental health, reach out and ask for help when you need it. You may need to ask your parents or friends for help with housework and childcare. You may need to ask your boss if you can restructure your work schedule. You may need to ask a mental health professional to help you develop coping mechanisms to deal effectively and thoroughly with the mental and emotional aftermath of your husband leaving.
Take time. Recovering from emotional trauma and pain can take time. If your husband has left you unexpectedly, it can take even more time to heal. Ignoring your pain, forcing yourself to pretend everything is fine, or throwing yourself back into dating before you are ready might delay healing and increase grief. Give yourself plenty of time and grace as you learn how to heal and move on.
Do husbands come back after separation?
There are never guarantees when it comes to separation. For others, periods of separation are designed to result in permanent separation and ultimately divorce. Several components can inform which couples make it past separation and which couples move forward with divorce. Couples who go into a separation already thinking about or planning to divorce are more likely to follow through with divorce than those who do not. These couples likely move into separation not as a way to get some space to think, but rather as a way to begin the divorce transition.
To figure out where your husband is and what they’re thinking, it can be helpful to directly ask. Are they looking for some space to decide what to do about the relationship or evaluate their life? Or are they pursuing separation as the first in a series of steppingstones to move the two of you toward divorce? Suppositions might offer you some comfort but very rarely help you arrive at the most accurate conclusion. Straightforward, respectful, and considerate communication can help you find more clarity.
If you want your marriage to remain intact, and your husband is open to it, you may be able to save the relationship if you involve some form of couple’s therapy or mediation. Although therapy cannot fix all of your marital problems, it can dramatically improve communication efforts and help the two of you conclude whether separation is wise for your unique relationship and situation.
What are the signs that your husband no longer loves you?
The signs that your husband no longer loves you can be subtle, or they can be overt. Common signs of a crumbling relationship could include:
Declining affection and intimacy. Sex and physical touch are certainly not everything in a marriage, but they can be powerful and consistent indicators of a couple’s interest in and devotion to one another. If your husband has suddenly stopped hugging you, kissing you, holding your hand, or initiating sex, it could indicate they are under stress or have some mental health and communication struggles of their own— or it could suggest that they are quietly distancing themselves from the relationship.
They begin disappearing frequently. Marriages can be difficult to maintain without seeing one another regularly. If your husband seems to be outside of the house constantly or seems almost reluctant to spend time with you, it could indicate that they are no longer in love or are no longer interested in being in a marriage.
They stop communicating with you. If calls and texts are few and far between or attempts to communicate are met with half-hearted responses or mere grunts of acknowledgment, it could indicate that something is amiss in your relationship. Communication can be vital in a relationship, and someone who refuses to communicate may be inappropriately telling you that they are no longer interested in your relationship.
The exact signs that someone is no longer interested in a relationship can differ from person to person. Still, it is often safe to assume that someone has lost interest in doing the marriage work if they are constantly absent, refusing to communicate, and denying or avoiding attempts to display affection and intimacy. If your husband is exhibiting the signs above, it may be time to have a heart-to-heart about the state of your relationship.
How do you know when your marriage is really over?
Not everyone experiences a sudden “knowing” about the end of their relationship. The end of a relationship can come on dramatically and unexpectedly when a partner announces without warning that they want a divorce. The end of a marriage can also come as a gradual understanding between your partner and yourself, at which point the two of you decide to split amicably. Although every marriage is different, some classic signs that your marriage is truly over include:
You and your partner are not interested in reconciliation. You cannot exist in marriage alone. If one or both of you is not interested in working on your relationship, it could be safe to assume that the marriage is over.
Abuse is present. Abuse can take on many forms, and it has no place in a marriage relationship— or any other relationship. If abuse has gone on in your marriage, and it is either not addressed at all or has not been successfully addressed, your marriage might be over. Abuse is a clear sign of an unhealthy marriage, and neither partner deserves it.
Infidelity has been ongoing and unrepentant. People make mistakes, and not every single instance of infidelity warrants the end of a relationship. All relationships endure difficult times, and infidelity may be a part of that. If, however, your spouse has continually cheated without remorse or has entered other relationships without express permission or a previous agreement, it may be time to acknowledge that your marriage has run its course.
Letting go of a marriage can feel impossible, particularly if your marriage is all you know or has taken up most of your life. Still, there are some instances in which a marriage cannot come back to life. If you are uncertain about the state of your marriage, consider communicating your concerns to your partner or reaching out for professional relationship help.
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