Six Signs You Should Call Off A Wedding

If you have always dreamed of the perfect wedding, you’re not alone! Weddings symbolize a forever commitment to your partner and it’s easy to get swept away in the romance and glamour of a ceremony that embodies your love and commitment to each other. The romanticism of it all can make people dream of finding the right person and celebrating this joyous occasion their whole life.

Maybe you started planning the second you put on your engagement ring on that special date night, or maybe you’ve been engaged for a while and you’ve only started planning recently. If you’ve spent months planning your dream day, you’ve probably been consumed with a host of wedding planning details. It’s easy to get caught up in the details of planning like setting the actual wedding date and purchasing plane tickets for a honeymoon. Maybe you’re exploring rings ideas or being handed down one as a family heirloom. Perhaps you’ve gone to a sample sale and have an idea of the wedding dress or suit you will be potentially wearing. All of these details can come together to make your wedding perfect.

But “calling off my wedding” usually isn’t one of the details on the list. It’s certainly the last thing you want to do if you and your partner have spent the past few months designing your dream wedding together. Unfortunately, however, if we take a closer look at the mental and emotional compatibility between two people, it becomes evident that, sometimes, calling off your wedding is exactly the right thing to do.

In this article, we’ll take a look at some red flags you should watch out for in regards to entering a marital relationship. We’ll also explore how these red flags play out in practice and how you can know if you need to call off your wedding. 

You are getting married to improve the relationship

If you’re a fan of the popular NBC comedy Superstore, you might remember teenage couple Cheyenne and Bo. Cheyenne and Bo get engaged because Cheyenne is pregnant and, in the early seasons, they live together in the basement of Bo’s parents’ house. As their wedding date approaches, Cheyenne confides in her fellow Cloud 9 employees and confesses that her relationship with Bo is in trouble. Visibly depressed, Cheyenne tells her friends that she and Bo argue all the time, that she feels like she doesn’t know who he is anymore, and that they rarely talk like they used to.

After listing all these issues, she remarks that their wedding date is getting closer and closer as their problems worsen. But just as her friends expect her to say that she wants to call off the wedding, Cheyenne concludes by saying, “And now, I’m starting to think that we should move the date up!”

In the context of a comedy like Superstore, this moment serves to give viewers an unexpected chuckle. But the sad reality is that many couples are exactly like Cheyenne and Bo. Maybe they’re expecting a baby, maybe not. But in the face of many relationship problems, couples often decide to get married in the hope that doing so will improve their relationship.

Sadly, however, this is a deeply flawed idea with an infinitesimal chance of working. Getting married is not a solution to your relationship’s problems. Rushing into a legally binding agreement with your partner will not fix issues, nor will it lay the foundation for a successful marriage.

You have different views on having children

To consider the complications of this choice, let’s check out an example from another popular TV series. In cop comedy Brooklyn Nine-Nine, police officer partners Jake and Amy get married in one of the series’ most climactic moments. Although their relationship is portrayed as loving, healthy, and blissful, later episodes reveal that they got married without discussing whether they want to have kids.

This ill-advised decision later comes back to bite them when they learn that Amy adamantly wants to have children and Jake adamantly does not. When they realize that they have such diametrically opposing views, it becomes clear that they will be unable to change each other’s minds.

Fortunately, this story ends well for Jake and Amy; together, they are able to talk through Jake’s fears and unpack his childhood trauma to learn why he’s so afraid of having kids. In the end, Amy encourages Jake and reminds him that he has the potential to be a much better father than his own dad. The episode ends with the couple agreeing that they want to have children together.

While it’s great that this episode has a happy ending, the reality is that this is not often the case for couples in real life. Having children is a major life decision and disagreement on this crucial topic can quickly end relationships. So, if you think you’ve found the love of your life, have this conversation before you get married! And if you can’t come to an agreement, this may mean that you need to call off the wedding.

There's abuse within the relationship

On the surface, it sounds simple -- abuse in any relationship is automatic grounds to call off a wedding. But sometimes it is not that easy. If you are being abused by your partner— physically, mentally, sexually, or emotionally— it can be exceedingly difficult to leave.

This is true whether you’ve been dating for three months, three years, or three decades. If you’re about to marry someone who abuses you, there’s a good chance that the abuse did not begin overnight. Maybe you’ve noticed subtle signs— hints of gaslighting, bullying, or emotional manipulation— and you’ve brushed it off as a joke or a quirk of your partner’s personality. Maybe they’ve been a little too rough with you on occasion.

Or maybe the abuse has gone on for years with varying degrees of severity. Even if you know your partner’s behavior is wrong, it can be difficult to leave. People who abuse may insist that they love you, that they’ll change, and that things will get better. Someone with narcissistic tendencies, in particular, may engage in a practice known as “future faking,” where they construct elaborate promises of the future to lure you into wasting more of your life with them. Maybe they keep saying the next wedding on the calendar will be yours and push you to set the date.

In fact, many people who embody narcissism employ that specific tactic to get their partners to marry them. And if you’re in this position, you might want to believe that the abuse will end when you get married. Sadly, however, this is never the case. It's not uncommon for abusive people to marry their partners in order to gain more control and dominance over them. So, if you feel that your partner is abusing you, don’t hesitate to call off the wedding and cut all ties with them as quickly as possible. If you need help or simply need someone to talk to, you should know that you’re not alone. Resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline exist specifically to support people who are being abused and you can call them any time at 1800-799-7233.

You have different views on managing money

Money is one of the leading causes of tension and strife within relationships. Generally, it's best when couples, especially spouses or soon-to-be spouses, are on the same page as it pertains to the use and management of money. This doesn't mean that you should call off the wedding if your partner purchases a sweater that you don't like. However, if your significant other continuously blows amounts of money that you're uncomfortable with or is dishonest about certain financial accounts, this is certainly a red flag. In this type of situation, it is best to call off the wedding and get on the same page about money before saying your vows.

You don't trust each other

Trust plays a central part in any healthy relationship. If you cannot trust your partner or cannot trust you, then calling off a wedding is in your best interest. Without trust, there is no real basis for any relationship, and certainly not for a marriage. Marrying someone you don't trust is a recipe for regret; if you can't trust your spouse, how will you feel comfortable enough to move through life as committed partners?

If you’re struggling to trust your partner, this doesn’t bode well for a lifetime spent with that person. Trust and communication are critical for any relationship— whether you’re friends, romantic partners, or spouses. So, if you know that trust issues are at the heart of your relationship, take some time to talk to your partner before you say “I do.”

Depending on the nature of things and why trust is gone, this does not always mean the end of the relationship. Couples counseling or therapy may be able to restore the partnership and help you both get back on track. However, until both parties can fully trust one another, going forward with a wedding is not a smart move in any capacity.

As you talk through your trust issues together, you may find that couples counseling can help you reconnect and establish a foundation of trust. Or you might discover that you have irreconcilable differences, and you simply need to part ways. The option you choose will be unique to you and your relationship but remember that it’s never a good idea to marry someone you don’t trust.

There are feelings for other people

If you or your partner still have romantic, lingering feelings for another person, calling off a wedding is a smart decision. When you marry someone, you're vowing to commit, be faithful, and forsake all others. Going into a marriage when you or your significant other still care for someone else romantically truly leaves the door open to problems. A marriage that starts with someone else failing to forsake all others in their heart also comes with the increased possibility of affairs later down the line.

Ultimately, only you (and your partner, in most cases) can determine whether calling off a wedding is the best move. However, if any of the signs mentioned above are present in your relationship (especially abuse, differences regarding having children, lack of trust), then putting a pin in wedding plans is likely best. Sometimes relationships can be improved, and other times, they can't. No matter how challenging it may be to call off the wedding, marrying the wrong person and later grappling with a divorce will be much more challenging.

If something doesn't feel right to you and you're not ready to marry your significant other, trust your instincts. They exist for a reason and can prevent you from coming up against a lot of preventable problems.

Additional resources for individuals and couples

Considering calling off a wedding can bring a lot of challenging emotions. Regardless of whether it’s your first wedding or not, it can be difficult to know if you should break up. Knowing the difference between having cold feet and something deeper isn’t always easy if it’s your first bride or groom experience.

You may feel frustrated that you spent over a year planning, paid deposits, and purchased plane tickets. Some people feel embarrassed or guilty that things didn’t work out. Whether you end up happily married or with an ex-fiancé, the important thing is making the right decision for you and your relationship. Talking about it can help in navigating this tough decision. 

Premarital therapy has been shown to support couples and individual partners during this transition regardless of how it ultimately pans out. Your therapist can help you work through your feelings, offer guidance and support, and provide you with valuable coping strategies.

Online therapy comes with certain perks which are often absent from more traditional forms of mental health care; unlike traditional therapy sessions which involve sitting down in an office with a specialist, online therapy empowers you to receive guidance on the go.

Life can be challenging at times, and roadblocks tend to materialize in unexpected ways and at inopportune times. Online therapy creates a path to recovery, growth, solutions, and the ability to grow stronger in the face of adversity.

Online therapists may use techniques like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to help improve communication between partners; alternatively, they might utilize emotion-focused therapy to help partners uncover the core emotions that drive conflict within their relationships. Multiple studies highlight how online therapy can be just as effective as traditional in-person counseling. For example, one study revealed how internet-based CBT is just as effective as in-person therapy in managing various psychiatric disorders – like depression, anxiety, and addiction – which may plague a couple’s relationship. 

Takeaway

As a general rule, nobody gets excited about calling off their wedding. If you think you’ve found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, it’s tempting to believe that love can help you survive anything, no matter what issues you’re facing. But realistically, some people are simply incompatible and it’s better to recognize that before you tie the knot. As sad as it may be to call off your wedding, this is much better than marrying the wrong person! Reach out to a caring, qualified online therapist via Regain today to receive support in determining if marrying your partner is the best decision for your future.