The Best Counseling Books For Your Marriage Troubles

Talking to a marriage and family therapist can offer you professional insight that you might not have otherwise thought of alone. Marriage counseling can provide a good opportunity to explore various aspects of yourself and your relationship, including both your challenges and your strengths. Marriage and family therapists can help you better understand yourself and your relationship while giving you and your partner the tools you need for a successful marriage.

Oftentimes, marriage and family therapy will entail work both inside and outside of therapy sessions. This might include using worksheets, podcasts, practice exercises, or reading counseling books on your own. 

Whether you’re working with a marriage therapist or not, the books included in this article can provide you with helpful insight into the troubles you might be experiencing in your marriage.

The best books for marriage counseling

In general, when looking for a self-help therapy book, it’s a good idea to look for one that’s written by a qualified professional, such as a licensed psychologist, psychiatrist, social worker, or other mental health professional. 

Even so, finding the right book can be a difficult or overwhelming process. The books included on this list are often recommended by therapists to help couples navigate common marriage or relationship challenges: 

• The Five Love Languages -Gary Chapman

A relationship book that aims to help you understand yourself and your partner better, The Five Love Languages looks at the things that partners can do to express love. 

As Dr. Chapman explains, people tend to prefer certain ways to receive love. These are called the “five love languages,” and they include words of affirmation, quality time, receiving/giving gifts, physical touch, and acts of service. By expressing love for your partner in a way that resonates with them, you can help them feel seen, loved, and appreciated. 

While the concept of love languages has mixed support in scientific studies, it can still offer a helpful way for couples to explore each other’s needs and values in an approachable way. 

Some psychologists recommend taking this book as an opportunity to open discussions about how to be a better partner, rather than focusing too much on your own love language. And remember that love language’s often change based on context, and it might not be about expressing love in a single language, as much as it is about expressing love in a variety of ways.

• Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married - Gary Chapman

In this book, Dr. Gary Chapman explores the importance of truly getting to know your partner before marriage. He identifies things that, even if the marriage is rooted in love, could wind up causing its dissolution. Specifically, he lists 12 main areas of stress that married couples will often encounter, giving a comprehensive overview of each, along with methods to address them.

• The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work - John M. Gottman and Nan Silver

Dr. John Gottman is a famous figure in marriage and family therapy. He and his with, Dr. Julie Gottman, are founders of the Gottman Institute and the Gottman Method, which is founded on the Sound Relationship House theory of healthy relationships, which stands on a foundation of trust and commitment and includes these “levels” of the house: 

• Love maps 
• Fondness and admiration
• Turning towards each other
• Maintaining a positive perspective
• Managing conflict 
• Prioritizing dreams and goals
• Creating meaning

In this New York Times Bestseller, Gottman uses his relationship theory to outline seven steps for how partners can work towards a healthier marriage. Throughout the book, he highlights interactive exercises and ways to practice better communication at home.

• Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life – Emily Nagoski

In Come as You Are, Dr. Nagoski unravels the science of sex and arousal, shining a light on the diversity of “normal” and delving into commonly held conceptions of libido. 

This book can be a valuable and educational resource for many couples, particularly those navigating dissatisfaction, differing expectations, shame, or conflict surrounding sexual needs and desires.  

• Getting Past the Affair: A Program to Help You Cope, Heal, and Move On — Together or Apart – Douglas Snyder, Donald Baucom and Kristina Coop Gordon

Are you and your partner trying to heal from a serious breach of trust like infidelity? Used in conjunction with couple’s therapy, this book can help couples slow down, reconnect, and journey through the healing process with a framework outlined by the authors, all three of which are distinguished psychologists.

Common therapeutic approaches for couples

While self-help books can be a valuable resource, they’re not considered a substitution for individually tailored couple’s therapy sessions with a licensed mental health professional. 

If you’re interested in trying marriage and family therapy, it may be helpful to review some of the commonly used therapeutic techniques you might encounter. Additionally, these techniques are often emphasized in couple’s counseling books, so even if you decide not to see a therapist, it can be helpful to review them: 

1. The Gottman Method

Dr. John Gottman is a renowned couples’ therapist credited with creating the "Sound Relationship House Theory" to help couples visualize and work towards a healthier marriage. 

The Gottman Method is an approach to couple’s therapy that incorporates assessments and interventions based on the Sound Relationship House Theory, with the goal of improving intimacy, respect, communication, and empathy. 

Independent research shows that the Gottman Method can be an effective approach for improving marital satisfaction, adjustment, intimacy, and specific challenges like infidelity. 

2. Emotionally focused therapy (EFT)

Dr. Sue Johnson is the author of Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. In the book, she presents conflict resolution skills and strategies for problem-solving in marriages. 

Dr. Johnson created Emotionally Focused Therapy EFT based on a nine-step model in which couples identify the problem and then work with the therapist to solve it. EFT is an evidence-based, structured, humanistic form of psychotherapy, rooted in attachment theory.  

EFT can help people embrace personal growth, explore their emotions, and build deeper empathy for one another. It can be particularly helpful when one or both partners seems emotionally unavailable, or if feelings are often discredited or invalidated. 

3. Sex therapy

Long-term relationships often confront conflict, shame, or other challenges with sexuality, libido, sexual dysfunction, performance anxiety, or infidelity. Sex therapy can help couples address issues with physical intimacy, emotional intimacy, trust, and communication. 

As Zoë Peterson, PhD, and associate professor of counseling and educational psychology at Indiana University puts it, “Sexuality is part of general mental health, and I think all psychologists have a responsibility to know a bit about human sexuality.” 

Sex therapists are licensed mental health professionals who can help you address issues related to sex and intimacy, utilizing both their knowledge of human sexuality and other approaches, like emotionally focused therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, or mindfulness-based interventions.

Can couple’s therapy be done online? 

If you and your partner are interested in trying couple’s therapy, you might encounter some roadblocks. For example, many couples with health insurance find that couple’s therapy isn’t covered by their plan, making out-of-pocket sessions more expensive than they’re willing or able to pay. Other couples may find it difficult to take time off work to travel to a therapist’s office during business hours. 

Online couples’ therapy on a platform like Regain can resolve some of these issues. The sessions typically cost what you might pay for an in-network insurance co-pay, and you can schedule sessions outside business hours, or at any other time that might be convenient for you and your partner. 

Furthermore, studies show that online therapy usually doesn’t sacrifice quality or effectiveness. For example, this 2021 study found that online and in-person couple’s therapy are equally effective, and both significantly improve relationship satisfaction and mental health. 

Takeaway

Couple’s counseling books can be a useful self-help and educational tool for couples, particularly because few people are taught about healthy relationships and how to foster them in school. However, while they can be a good resource, they’re often more beneficial when used in combination with couple’s therapy. 

Online couples’ therapy from a licensed professional can offer more personalized insight and exercises tailored to address the specific challenges present in your relationship.