Questions To Answer Before "Popping The Question"

Are you ready to say, “I do," and tie your life to another person? If your immediate answer isn't an unequivocal "yes,” you may not be entirely sure you’re prepared to pop the question. Read on to explore questions you should answer before asking anyone to marry you and how therapy can help you decide when you’re ready to make that lifelong commitment. 

Are you ready to get married?

How do you know when it’s time to take the next step and expand the relationship from dating to marriage? While you’re the only one who truly knows when you’re ready to get married, you can benefit from decades of psychological research and studies of married couples to discover what you should know before deciding to propose. 

Census and survey studies from 2021 show that the ideal age for marriage is between 23-24, but the data indicates that of people born between 1990 and 1994, only 30% of women and 20% of men chose to marry by age 25. 

Knowing you’re ready can help you avoid divorce

One of the best ways to avoid divorce is to go into a marriage with open eyes, realistic expectations, and a willingness to compromise. Studies show that the marriage rate in the United States has plummeted by nearly 60% over the past five decades, indicating that Americans are delaying or forgoing marriage far more than their predecessors. Communication and equal partnership are increasingly valued, and many people choose not to marry rather than settle for a relationship that doesn't meet their needs. 

“So, what about the famous statistic that half of all marriages end in divorce? That’s true, but only when it comes to first marriages, half of which are dissolved. Second and third marriages actually fail at a far higher rate.” — Revealing Divorce Statistics in 2023, Forbes

Questions you should answer before getting engaged

When you’re thinking about proposing to someone you love, ask yourself these questions before you pop the question. 

What you should ask yourself

Taking the time to ask yourself these questions can help you examine your motivations for proposing and determine if you’re ready for marriage.

• Why do you want to be engaged?
• Can you imagine life without your partner?
• Do you know (and hopefully like) each other’s families?
• Do you share the same values?
• Do you resolve conflicts in a healthy way?
• Are you sexually compatible?
• Do you live in a similar way? For example, is one of you tidy while the other is slobby?

What you should know about a potential spouse

There are many things you should know about your partner before proposing. It can be helpful to discuss significant life issues before considering marriage so you know whether you're compatible with the things you're not willing to compromise.

• Do they want children? If so, how many, and when? It may seem like a serious question to ask as the relationship gets more committed, but knowing how a potential partner feels can save you both heartbreak and drama in the future if you have opposing views. Do not count on them changing their mind if they don't want children. 
• How do they feel about marriage?
• Do they feel strongly about religion?
• Do they have secrets you need to know about, or do you have secrets you need to share?

What does a healthy marriage look like to you?

Did a healthy childhood teach you a secure emotional attachment style? Do you know your partner's attachment style and how it affects your relationship? 

• Who shaped your ideas of what a healthy relationship is? What do you remember as positive and negative from their marriage?
• What do you want for your marriage?
• Does your partner make you laugh?
• Do they know how to help when you’re sad or hurting?

How do you feel about divorce, and should you take precautions?

While you certainly hope for the best, the reality is that many marriages end in divorce. Discussing how you'd behave if the marriage ends can save you both heartache. 

• Do you see marriage as a lifelong commitment?
• How do you feel about divorce?
• Do you want a pre-nuptial agreement to protect your assets?
• What would you do if you “fell out of love?”
• What circumstances would make you consider divorce?
• What are you willing to do to repair the relationship and avoid divorce?

What do you consider cheating?

Relationships can end if one partner thinks flirting without intention is harmless and the other sees it as cheating. Before proposing, discuss what constitutes cheating with your partner. 

• What are your boundaries and limitations when it comes to cheating? While it may be an awkward conversation, you can save a great deal of potential pain by clarifying to your partner what you see as crossing the line. 
• Is cheating a relationship-ending event? Can things be salvaged after a mistake?

Are you prepared to discuss, set, and respect boundaries?

Many couples live together before getting married to learn how their lives blend. Cohabitating involves working with your partner and respecting boundaries as you create a home and life together. 

• If you answer no, you likely aren't ready to marry. Making a lifelong commitment to someone requires give and take on both sides, but it should be built on a foundation of trust and respect.
• What are your boundaries? Have you expressed them to your partner? Do you know their boundaries? Do you both respect each other’s limits?
• Boundaries in a marriage might include names (and insults) you can and cannot use with each other, how much time you spend alone, how often you have sex, and what you are and aren’t willing to do for one another. 

Have you talked about a future together?

Marriage is a lifelong commitment, so you should talk to your partner about what a future together would look like long before you’re ready to propose. 

• Have you discussed a long-term future with your partner?
• Will they be expecting you to propose or be completely shocked? If the latter, consider why they might be shocked.
• Have you discussed living together or merging your lives in other ways before marriage?
• Are you aware of their financial situation, including their current job and significant past debts like student loans or bankruptcies that could affect you?
• Do their ambitions and future plans coincide with yours? If either of you had to move for work, how would you handle that?

Does your emotional intimacy invite shared feelings and thoughts?

Your spouse should be a safe place to share your thoughts, ideas, feelings, and secrets. 

• Do you feel comfortable sharing your personal thoughts and feelings with your partner?
• Do they validate your emotions and experiences?
• Do they listen when you need to talk?
• Do they offer advice or suggestions to help you solve the problem?
• Do you both communicate your needs and emotions?
• Do you bring out the best in each other?

Are you prepared to make compromises for your partner?

Marriage is a partnership, and you may not be ready if you're unwilling to compromise from the outset. 

• Are you willing to give up things you care about if that’s what’s required to support your spouse and eventual family? 
• Have you made compromises to bring your partner into your life?
• What are you not willing to compromise on for your partner?

Signs you may not be ready for marriage

• You’re only known your partner briefly, but it feels like it's been forever. You want more time to enjoy how things are before getting more serious. 
• You don’t feel comfortable sharing secrets or your innermost thoughts and feelings. 
• You don’t manage conflict well as a couple—or you never fight at all. 
• Your values are vastly different on essential issues. 
• You struggle with the idea of long-term commitment to just one person. 
• You’re unwilling to compromise.
• You’re thinking of marriage due to external pressure, not internal desire. 
• You think your partner will change if you’re married.

How therapy can help you prepare for marriage

Some people meet their soul mate and instantly know they’ve found the person they want to spend the rest of their lives with. Everyone else typically has to go through the relationship stages and decide when to take the next step. If you're unsure whether you're ready for marriage, consider working with a licensed therapist online through a virtual therapy platform centered around relationship issues like Regain. Therapy can help you identify why you want to get engaged, how you envision life with a future partner, and any unhealthy patterns or unrealistic expectations you may have. A therapist can also help you develop practical coping strategies to manage stress and communication skills to express your emotions and needs to your partner. 

Studies show that patient outcomes are the same for in-person and online therapy. However, virtual treatments are often more cost-effective and require shorter wait times before you can speak to a therapist. Teletherapy platforms offer a much more comprehensive selection of licensed therapists, making it a simple process to find someone who blends well with your situation and personality if things don’t work out the first time. Many patients also said they found it easier to share personal details when physically separated from the therapist. 

Counselor reviews

“Austa has been wonderful thus far. She has helped my partner and I during an unimaginably difficult time... She has also guided us in communicating effectively and setting appropriate boundaries in our relationship. I was hesitant to pursue counseling at the beginning, but I truly believe that it is making a difference for our relationship. Austa is easy to talk to and she is a great listener. I would wholeheartedly recommend her as a counselor.”

“Dr. Burklow literally saved our relationship. I was honestly ready to call it quits. We joined Regain approximately two months before our wedding: that was six months ago. Needless to say we are now husband and wife. Since then, we learned tolerance and acceptance, not only of each other, but of ourselves. We began feeling and behaving like teammates as opposed to opponents. Though we looked forward to our weekly Tuesday night video sessions we knew couples therapy was not meant to be long term. In the short amount of time, Dr. Burklow provided us with the necessary tools to deal with conflict and ensuring a successful and healthy union. Thank you again Dr. Burklow!”

Takeaway 

When you're in the midst of being in love, and your brain dumps oxytocin into your system, it can be hard to know if you’ve taken the appropriate time to explore your feelings and where you're ready to get married. This article offers insight into the questions you should answer before "popping the question" to ensure you're ready for marriage and how therapy can help you prepare to take the next step in your relationship.