When Two Married People Cheat: What It Means For Both Marriages
Affairs can be messy, and having feelings for someone else while married creates a complicated situation that can be difficult to navigate. Hurt feelings, feelings of betrayal, and broken trust all come into play if the affair comes out in the open. While it remains a secret, feelings of guilt and shame may be part of the dynamic.
No matter what feelings an affair incites, being married but in love with someone else creates marriage issues to deal with that can take months or years. Sometimes the damage is too serious, and there is no way to repair the marriage.
Affairs when both parties are married can get even more complicated. Instead of affecting one marriage, the affair is now affecting two marriages. This just means the complexity and potential volatility of the situation increase.
Why cheat?
The decision to have an affair can be complex, yet there are some fundamental reasons people choose to cheat. Choosing to start an affair isn't usually an overnight decision. The person or persons entering into the affair must weigh out the pros and cons, realize what damage it could bring to their marriage, and decide if it is worth the effort, secrecy, and potential guilt that may come with the territory.
So, what are the underlying reasons people choose to start an affair?
Sex
Sex is perhaps the most obvious reason someone may start up an affair. This can be one of the causes of adultery in marriage. An individual may not be getting sexual satisfaction from the marriage, or they could be looking for more sexual experiences than marriage arrangements can provide. Being sexually unsatisfied might not always mean the person is unsatisfied with the marriage as a whole. When it comes to sex, though, the dissatisfaction can be too much for the person to handle. As a result, they might start looking for sexual fulfillment outside of their marriage.
Emotional validation
Another reason people may look for an extramarital relationship is the need for emotional validation. It could be that their partner in the marriage is emotionally distant or withholds emotions from them. Or, maybe there is emotional validation in the marriage, but they feel the need to seek more of it. Emotional closeness and validation are essential to the human psyche. You need them to live a fulfilling and healthy life. When someone doesn't receive emotional closeness and validation, they can begin to look for it elsewhere.
Love
Sometimes, people say they have fallen out of love with their marriage partner. They may have once been deeply in love, but that feeling might have grown colder over time. Falling out of love may cause someone to look elsewhere for companionship. Conversely, someone may say they have fallen in love with the person they are having an affair with either before the affair began or throughout the affair. In both of these situations, the feelings of love are driving the choice.
What about the marriage?
Whatever the reason for the affair, it is going to affect the marriage. When both people involved in the affair are married, two marriages will be impacted by the affair. Deceit and betrayal are bound to hurt the marriage relationships on both sides. If there is going to be a repair in the marriage, it will take much work.
While an affair doesn't necessarily mean the end of a marriage, it often means a change in the marriage. It’s not likely that things will suddenly go back to the way they were once the affair ends. The rebuilding of trust is required, and rekindling love may have to happen as well.
Ending the affair
Affairs rarely become long-term relationships. Typically, they are short-lived or come to an end sooner or later. The person who breaks off the affair may be feeling guilt and grief about their marriage. Or, someone may have discovered the affair. There may be any number of circumstances for the ending of the affair. However, typically, the affair ends in one of three ways.
One person breaks it off
It could be that the thrill of the affair is gone. Or that they feel shame and guilt about the affair and decide they want to work on their marriage. Whatever the reason, one person in the relationship may decide that it's time to end things.
Ending the affair can leave the other person in a precarious place. They may want to continue the affair, possibly even having fantasies of leaving their marriage to be with the other person. But now it has ended, and they are left to process their emotions by themselves. Being left alone can be a painful experience, especially coupled with the damage done to their marriage. They may not feel ready to give up the affair.
When one person ends the affair suddenly, it rarely ends up being a mutual parting of the ways. Hurt and betrayal can be left in the wake of the affair.
The affair is found out
Maybe one person's spouse finds some messages or pictures that lead them to the truth of the affair. When the affair is found out, it effectively puts an end to the illicit relationship.
When an affair is found out, it may also ruin the secrecy and thrill that often fuels the appeal of the affair. There may be something exciting about doing something clandestine and taboo. That excitement can push the affair to keep going. Once that excitement is removed, the appeal can wear off.
Once the affair is out in the open, the participants in the affair have a choice to make. Do they stay together and leave their respective spouses? Do they go back to their broken marriages and work to fix them? Or do they abandon both the affair and the marriage? Whatever decision is reached, the nature of the affair and the marriages are likely changed forever.
The affair ends
Sometimes, an affair comes to an end on its own. Both parties may realize their time together in this fashion is over, and they part ways. In this manner, the end of an affair is usually a mutual decision based upon the continued dynamic between the parties, the overall feeling about the affair, and the time spent in the affair.
Once the affair is over, both parties may need to decide how they will treat each other going forward. Since affairs typically grow out of a preexisting relationship, both people need to figure out how to move the relationship back to what it was, if that is even possible.
After the affair
Whatever the end of the affair looks like, dealing with the aftermath is inevitable. When both people in the affair are married, they may both need to deal with the consequences of the affair. This may mean ending the marriage, sweeping the affair under the rug and pretending like it never happened, or admitting to the affair and working to repair the marriage.
An affair often begins because people want to be wanted. It may be nice to have the extra attention, either because they are not getting the attention in their marriage or because getting extra attention feels extra lovely. Coming to terms with giving up that attention can be challenging. There may be some grief about the ending of the affair, in addition to the guilt about the marriage. Navigating these emotions can be challenging. It may be wise to seek professional help to deal with the emotions and fallout of the affair.
Repairing the marriage
If it's decided that the marriage is worth saving, it could be a long, steep road back to a healthy relationship between spouses. When dealing with broken trust from an affair, you may also need to deal with the underlying reasons. Otherwise, an affair could happen again in the future.
It can take work from both spouses to repair the marriage. This work can be difficult, frustrating, and may even feel impossible to do on your own. A licensed therapist can help you and your partner navigate the emotions resulting from the affair. They can also give you tools and tips to help you both do the work of fixing the broken marriage.
An affair can be a difficult thing to talk about, though, especially with a stranger. This is one of the common barriers to couples counseling. Online therapy can help you overcome this obstacle, though. Many people report feeling more at ease discussing sensitive topics like infidelity in an online environment. This type of counseling could also be easier to fit into your schedule since it’s accessible from your home or anywhere you have an internet connection.
Couples counseling via the internet is a practice that is backed by science. A recent study revealed that couples undergoing online therapy via videoconferencing experienced an increase in relationship functioning as well as positive mental health effects.
Counselor review
“Cris Roman saved my marriage. His approach to therapy taught my husband and I the skills we needed to change the way we communicated and the way we understood each other. He is very non-judgmental and helps each person make sense of the others' feelings and actions without taking sides or placing blame. His ability to make you feel heard while helping you to see and understand why your significant other is acting a certain way is phenomenal.”
“Sessions with Natalie are very insightful and give practical advice on implementing new habits and changes. Be prepared to engage and be challenged to think in a different way. I know that my partner and I can already see improvements in our relationship and feel more positive about working through our issues together.”
Takeaway
While there may be no foolproof way of saving your marriage from an affair, there are some things you and your partner can do to avoid one of you looking for validation, sex, and love elsewhere. The primary key is open and honest communication.
An open and honest dialogue can help your marriage in many ways. Are you feeling like sexual chemistry is lacking in the relationship? Talk about it. Be open about your needs and listen to your partner. If you feel like you need extra attention and emotional validation, be sure you say something. You cannot get your needs met if you never voice them. Knowing what the other person's expectations and needs are may go a long way towards preventing an affair. When you’re ready to begin the process of healing from an affair, reach out to a Regain counselor for support.
Frequently asked questions (FAQs)
Is cheating when married illegally?
Whether cheating when married is illegal or not depends on where you live. Although criminal penalties are rarely enforced for cheating these days, it is on the books as being illegal in several states.
Southern states that make adultery a crime include Alabama, Florida, Georgia, Mississippi, South Carolina, and Virginia. In the Midwestern states of Illinois, Kansas, Michigan, Minnesota, North Dakota, and Wisconsin, adultery is also illegal. In the Northeast, Massachusetts and New York count adultery as illegal. Western states like Arizona, Idaho, and Utah still have adultery as a criminal offense.
Even though these states rarely enforce infidelity laws, there are many reasons to avoid cheating or talk it over with your spouse after it happens. By understanding whether cheating is acceptable to both of you, you can avoid damaging a relationship you don’t want to lose. Or, if you’re ready to move on, you can leave the relationship on better terms, which is especially important if you have children together. Talking to a therapist, in either case, can be extremely beneficial.
How common is marital cheating?
One survey found that 13% of women and 20% of men said they had cheated on their spouse by having sex with someone else during their marriage. Overall, 16% of people cheat on their spouses, according to the same survey.
These numbers likely represent many painful experiences for the spouses whose mates cheated on. However, the numbers might not be as high as most people would expect. So, to excuse your cheating by saying, “everyone does it” is a faulty defense. Instead, it’s usually best to discuss the situation with your partner seriously and sincerely so that you can decide where to go from there.
How many extramarital affairs end in marriage?
Various sources have reported that the rate of extramarital affairs that end in marriage is only somewhere between 3% and 5%. Affairs tend to start in the excitement that fizzles out once the two people get to know each other better and face the difficulties of everyday life together. Even when these new marriages do happen, they often fail shortly after they start.
What percent of marriages stay together after infidelity?
Different sources cite different percentages of marriages that stay together after cheating happens. An MSN survey found that about 55% broke up as soon as the secret was out, and only 15.6% stayed in the marriage. However, another source says that 60-75% of marriages do survive infidelity.
But no matter what the statistics are for the general population, what matters to you is whether your relationship will survive. There’s no reason to let impersonal statistics tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. No matter what others might do, your marriage is yours and your partner’s. Only the two of you can decide if the marriage is worth saving and how much effort you will put into making it work. If you don’t know what you want to do, you can always talk to a marriage counselor. Then, you can explore the reasons you cheated and decide what you want to do next.
Is cheating a deal-breaker?
Cheating is definitely a deal-breaker for some people, but others can overcome it, and some don’t mind at all. That’s why good communication is important throughout your marriage. You need to know ahead of time how your spouse feels about cheating and what it might mean to your relationship.
But suppose you’ve already created. How do you know if it’s a deal-breaker then? All you can do is have an honest conversation with your spouse. Tell them what happened and how you feel about the situation. If you want to stay in the marriage or relationship, express your love for your partner and ask for their forgiveness if that’s what they need. Offer to see a marriage therapist with them if they think that would help.
The truth is that even if a person says they’re okay with cheating before it happens, they may realize that your actions have hurt them after you cheat on them. In that case, the best thing you can do is go into couples’ counseling to repair the damage and renegotiate your relationship.
Why do people cheat on the people they love?
There could be many reasons for cheating on someone you love. If you’ve been with your partner a long time, you may feel bored. If you haven’t been with anyone else or you have other friends who are cheating, you might feel like you’re missing out on something. Sometimes, people cheat because they find someone who seems to be different from their spouse in positive ways. Other times, they feel their spouse has changed over the years, and they look for someone who is like their spouse used to be.
In that case, a new partner might seem like a breath of fresh air. You don’t have to think about your responsibilities when you’re with them, and you feel free and easy.
Although there are many factors behind cheating, that doesn’t mean it’s always the right choice. Cheating may feel good at the moment, but it leads nowhere except to pain for your spouse and regret you in many cases.
Do cheaters feel guilty?
Some cheaters feel guilty, but others don’t. For one thing, people who grew up believing that cheating was wrong are more likely to feel guilty than those who were told it was just a fact of life. If you knew someone you loved as a child was a cheater, you might have concluded that even good people cheat, so you might not feel bad about yourself at all. And, if you were never happy or satisfied in your marriage, you might feel justified in stepping outside it for an affair.
The bottom line is that you can’t make your partner feel guilty if they don’t. However, if they don’t realize how you feel or how their actions affect you, addressing those issues might help them understand the damage they’ve caused. In any case, if you or your spouse has cheated, the first thing you both need to do is recognize, accept, and express your feelings. After that, you can do the hard work of putting your marriage back together if you choose or parting on civil terms.
Can affairs be true love?
How many marriages end in divorce because of infidelity?
Can a man cheat and still love his wife?
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