When Is A Marriage Over? Infidelity And Other Signs Of Impending Divorce
In an ideal world, we would fall in love, get married, and live the rest of our lives free of pain and conflict. As much as this would be great for everyone, the truth is that marriages take a lot of sacrifices, commitment, and work. Because two people are involved, issues are bound to arise that will damper the life you have created.
That is not to say that all marriages fall into these conflicts or that these issues will even present a huge problem for all couples. But some couples indeed have problems that they simply cannot or do not want to move past, and there are cases of couples who fall out of love and need to move onto someone they are more compatible with to lead a happier life. The harsh reality is that not all marriages succeed.
When is a marriage over? Recognizing potential signs of divorce
Have you and your partner been having difficulties in your relationship? Perhaps you are in a situation where you haven't been talking to each other, or you just disagree and end up arguing more often than you have heart-to-heart conversations. You may be struggling to get on the same page lately, and you're not sure if you should just give up or keep trying.
When partners reach the point of asking themselves if they should keep a marriage alive, this indicates enough conflict to cause one or both individuals to question the strength and validity of their marriage. When this happens, you have two options. The first option is seeking the proper help to ensure the relationship is mended if that is what both partners want and are willing to work for. The second option is to realize that the marriage is over, divorce, and go your separate ways. Keep in mind, however, that both options require careful thought and planning, and choosing any option recklessly comes with its own set of consequences.
If you feel your marriage might be over, but you want to learn how to properly identify a marriage that cannot go on any longer, here are some hints that point to a marriage that is no longer repairable.
When you're not talking
If you and your partner haven't talked about your problems and you haven't had any desire to, then chances are your marriage is not doing so well. Every relationship has issues, but you improve and continue building your relationship by discussing and working through those problems. Partners who are unwilling or unable to listen and speak with the intent to resolve some of these issues contribute to a toxic relationship where nothing is solved, and the conflict and anger continue to grow.
Perhaps you don't talk because you and your partner have been spending less and less time together. If this is the case, it could indicate that the two of you need to separate from figuring things out. Communication and resolution are the only way out of conflict; if you don't do those things, your relationship has little hope for success.
When infidelity occurs or there is a loss of interest
If you and your partner are no longer in love, or if one of you is no longer in love with the other, your relationship may not last. It can be challenging to bring back that level of love and caring, and it won't come back if other things are going on in the relationship that you aren't willing to work on.
Dealing with infidelity and related challenges
Additional problems within the relationship, such as infidelity, can further build upon this challenging issue and make it even harder for one partner to fall back in love with another partner or even spark that initial physical attraction that helped to build the relationship in the first place. Rebuilding love is extremely difficult and intensive, and both of you must be willing to put in the work. If one partner no longer sees the need to work on the relationship and decides it is over, it is no longer a partnership, and the marriage will likely come to an end.
When abuse occurs
We often hear stories about people trapped in abusive relationships and wonder why they don’t leave. Because of the power dynamics and tactics utilized by abusers, those who are abused will often believe that they have no choice but to continue carrying on the relationship or may think that the treatment they are receiving is the relationship that they deserve. To be quite clear, this is not true, and any type of abuse should not be tolerated. When you see signs of abuse in your marriage, that marriage is over, and you should leave your partner immediately and seek help to escape the situation. There are plenty of resources available to help abused husbands and wives, and the time to change the situation is now.
If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7.
When there is an unstable foundation
Not all couples are enamored with each other, and many people have decided to marry simply because they felt the need to settle. They may have thought they could never do any better or that time was running out. In situations like these, those who feel like they have settled often grow resentful of their significant other and their marriage.
If you fall into this category, it is another red flag that signifies the end of the marriage and should most certainly be discussed. No couple should be in a relationship where one party would much rather follow a different course but see their marriage as preventing them from doing so. While it is not ideal, it is best to move on to another person who wants to be with you for the rest of their life and sees you as a goal rather than a safety net.
When the marriage is toxic
Toxic and unhealthy relationships are bad for us, but some individuals will stick it out for various reasons. In these relationships, couples constantly fight, and their physical and mental health are affected by unhealthy relationships as the partners suffer from stress, anxiety, depression, and other problems caused by general unhappiness and other life circumstances. When two people are dealing with the repercussions of their marriage on a 24/7 basis, this is another clear sign that ending the marriage might be best for both people.
What should I do if I recognize signs of an unhealthy relationship?
If your relationship is over, the best thing that you can do is sit down and talk to your partner about the situation. Tell them how you feel and that you believe the relationship is done. Before having this conversation, make sure you have decided that you don't want to try working things out. If you wish to take this course of action, it is crucial to start working on an amicable divorce as soon as possible to ensure both parties are happy and can move on with their lives apart.
You must get out of the relationship right away by finding another place to stay and cutting ties with your ex. This doesn't mean that you can't talk to them at all. It means you need to create a separate place for them in your life that doesn't relate to them being your partner or spouse. You and your partner may be able to be friends. In fact, some people find that they and their former spouses make much better friends than partners. But when the relationship ending is still fresh, that's generally not a good thing to try.
How online therapy can help
Therapy can be a good option when you’re trying to figure out what to do or if you need help adjusting during or after your divorce. A professional therapist can help you to understand any of the deep-seated problems you might have or even any concerns that you might have about entering into an entirely new life without your former spouse. You can prepare yourself for whatever will happen next in your life, and you can do it with a therapist you trust.
Online therapy is a great option that’s affordable, accessible, and effective. With online treatment, you can attend therapy sessions from the comfort of your home or anywhere you have an internet connection. When you sign up, you’re matched with someone who can start helping you right away, and you can communicate with your therapist via phone, video chat, direct message, email, or text.
One review of 14 studies found that online treatment is just as effective as face-to-face treatment and provides “strong support for the adoption of online psychological interventions as a legitimate therapeutic activity.” To learn more, reach out to the qualified licensed therapists at Regain.
Takeaway
Admitting that your marriage is over can be difficult, but if you are experiencing the signs mentioned above in your relationship, it might be time to consider making some changes. If you need more support at any point in the process, online therapy can give you the guidance you need to find happiness after your marriage ends.
How do you know when it's time to leave a marriage?
Leaving a marriage is never an easy decision. This decision varies from person to person. Some signs can tell when staying would be more harmful than walking away. When you’re thinking about leaving, take the time to evaluate the overall health of the relationship and whether both you and your spouse are willing to make the necessary changes for a healthy relationship.
Here are some factors to consider:
Violence and Abuse
One clear sign that a marriage is no longer sustainable is if there is domestic violence involved, whether that is physical, emotional, or verbal abuse. Learn to make your safety a top priority. Even if it is emotional abuse, it can be just as damaging. Belittling, comparing, manipulating, or controlling behavior– all of these could take a toll on your mental health and overall perception of yourself.
Lack of Intimacy
In healthy marriages, intimacy is a non-negotiable between spouses. If there is a lack of physical intimacy, such as sex, and one partner refuses to compromise, this could potentially create resentment. That being said, emotional connection is just as important. Feeling disconnected, as if the two of you aren’t even romantically involved, would create distance. If your spouse refuses to engage in quality time with you constantly, then it could be a sign that the marriage is no longer working.
Poor Communication
Poor communication is a red flag in a marriage. Before taking your marriage vows, it is assumed that the two of you have already spent some significant time together and that positive communication has always been utilized in the relationship. Constantly fighting and having misunderstandings and arguments, especially if they are left unaddressed, could create a toxic environment.
Refusing Treatment
In relation to conflicts within the relationship, if your spouse continues to refuse treatment, whether that is through therapy or counseling, it could lead to more challenges in the future. These challenges can lead to communication issues, mental health struggles, and even destructive behaviors. A marriage counselor is a professional who can help bridge these gaps and guide the couple.
Impact on Children
If children are involved, it’s even more important to consider how your conflict as a couple could impact their emotional and psychological well-being. As parents, you should be setting an example for your children. Witnessing violence, abuse, or any toxic interactions coming from the important figures in their life could negatively impact them long-term.
Infidelity
Trust is the foundation of a strong relationship. Having an affair can break trust in any relationship, not just marriage. It is a clear indication that the other person lacks respect for their partner. They may not be concerned with how their action could have affected others. Some couples can and have rebuilt trust, but only if both partners are willing to put in the effort and compromise.
At what point do most marriages end?
It depends on many factors and the gravity of the situation, but most marriages end when mutual respect is lost. Minor issues are no longer resolved as easily, and deeper issues are left unresolved. Perhaps what started as small disagreements over finances, responsibilities, or emotional needs could eventually build into resentment when one spouse feels they are unheard or dismissed.
Couples could reach a breaking point when intimacy and affection fade to the point that asking for them feels forced. Although many couples try to work through their challenges, perhaps through couples therapy, the accumulation of lack of respect, intimacy, and commitment can make staying together more painful than leaving.
When to call it quits in a marriage?
It is never an easy decision to call it quits in a marriage, and the only person who gets to decide is you. When considering this route, assess certain situations where staying might cause more trouble for you than leaving. While it’s normal to have disagreements and challenges in any sort of relationship, a marriage becomes difficult to sustain when one spouse refuses to communicate, make an effort, or seek counseling when issues have become dire and professional help is needed. It’s important to compromise when attempting to reconcile and rebuild a dwindling relationship.
For those with kids, calling it quits becomes even more complex. While some do stay together for the sake of their children, an unhealthy home environment can do more harm than good. A marriage that lacks affection could reflect on the upbringing of their child. When that happens, consider consulting with a professional in family law to explore options for separation.
Ultimately, calling it quits is a personal matter, but when it no longer gives you that sense of partnership, walking away may be the best path forward.
Questions to ask your therapist about marriage and divorce
What are the signs of a marriage ending?
What is the final stage of marriage before divorce?
What years of marriage are the hardest?
When is a marriage over?
Why do married couples fall out of love?
What factors contribute to enduring marriages?
Are any marriages truly happy?
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