Why Do I Hate My Husband, And How Do I Fix My Marriage To Avoid Divorce?

Why am I asking myself, “Why do I hate my husband?”

As time passes, some people find that they hate their husbands and don’t know how to work past those feelings. You may harbor negative emotions toward your husband for many reasons, but you can identify and potentially overcome the issues together with effort and honesty. Read on to explore why you may hate your husband, tips to help you reshape your feelings, and how therapy can offer support and knowledgeable experience through the process. 

Do you really hate your husband?

Couples can become so comfortable together that the emotional intimacy and romance in the marriage fade. If you feel your marriage isn't meeting your needs, you may resent or even hate your husband. Ask yourself if you actually hate him or if it seems that way because you feel misunderstood, ignored, or taken for granted.

Reasons you might hate your husband

• Your husband doesn’t act or react the way you expect him to or how you'd like. 
• He doesn’t pay attention to you, and you don’t feel like a priority in his life.
• You’ve fallen into a comfortable routine, and the spark between you has faded.
• The marriage doesn’t give you what you need emotionally. 
• He’s proven himself irresponsible or unreliable. 
• The lines of communication in your marriage don’t work anymore. 
• You stopped spending time together, and the emotional intimacy faded. 
• He only seems to care about himself. 
• You may have dysfunctional views of what marriage should be.
• You’re unhappy, and he’s unwilling to listen or change. 
• There’s no compromise anymore. It may feel like you’re always the one to sacrifice. 
• You’re not friends anymore. 
• There’s a lack of respect on one or both sides. 
• You've grown and changed, leaving you too different to blend well. 
• He isn’t meeting your sexual needs and doesn’t seem to care that you’re unsatisfied.
• He's stopped caring for himself and doesn't care about how he looks or if you find him attractive. 

What can you do to overcome hating your husband and fix your marriage before asking for a divorce

Working with a relationship therapist is likely the most effective way to initiate meaningful changes to your marriage, but you can try these tips on your own. 

Examine what you want from marriage

If you hate your husband, those feelings likely stem from your needs and wants going unmet in the marriage. Evaluate what you expect marriage to provide and where your relationship is lacking.

Ask yourself “Why do I hate my husband?” and identify why you hate him 

Working through your feelings of marital hatred can be easier once you know what they are. Examine your husband's behavior and determine what he's doing to make you feel negatively toward him. 

Forgive past hurts, heal, and let them go

Are you holding on to old anger about past mistakes and times he’s hurt you? Express what’s weighing on you, acknowledge the damage it’s done, heal from it, and forgive so you don’t have to carry the emotional weight of it anymore. 

Take responsibility for your role in the problems

There’s a good chance that you’re not perfect either, and your husband isn't the only one who contributed to the current strained state of your marriage. It can be easier to move forward when you acknowledge your part in the marriage and take responsibility for how it affects the relationship. 

Remember why you fell in love with him

When you devote your mental and emotional energy to negative feelings, they’re likely to be what you notice first and focus on, often to the exclusion of positive emotions. Try to remember the traits and habits that drew you to your husband in the first place. When you can see him in a favorable light again, find the things you love about him now. 

Work on the emotional intimacy in your marriage

If you hate your husband, the emotional intimacy in your marriage is likely not intact and functioning properly. Marriage often has many layers that work separately and together to create a complex relationship between partners. It’s easy to get caught up in everyday life and let the emotional connection between you drop in priority. Many couples don’t realize there’s been a decline in emotional intimacy until the problem is already causing significant issues. 

Commit to each other every day

Successful long-term relationships require both partners to choose each other consistently. If both of you commit daily to loving your partner and making the marriage work, you could reconnect and rebuild your bond.

Find practical, effective ways to communicate

Open, honest communication between spouses is often at the core of successful, happy marriages. Being able to express your emotions, thoughts, and needs to your husband so you feel heard and understood can be an essential part of practical, effective marital communication. 

Set realistic expectations

If you have unrealistically high expectations for your husband, you may often feel disappointed, leading to anger, resentment, and hatred. Evaluate what you want from marriage and your husband to determine if your expectations are realistic. 

Focus on meeting your needs

When it feels like your husband isn't meeting your needs and you hate him for it, focus on meeting them yourself. Prioritize your mental, emotional, and physical health and well-being. You are responsible for your own mental health, so if his behavior negatively affects you, consider working with a licensed therapist to find healthy ways to process your emotions. 

Practice a grateful lifestyle

If negative emotions like anger and hatred dominate your emotional landscape, you may benefit from practicing a grateful lifestyle. Studies show that gratitude can change your outlook on life and help boost your mood. Focus your attention on the positive aspects that you like about your husband. It may help to keep a journal to track what you like most about him over time and the positive ways he impacts your life. 

Prioritize time alone together

One of the most effective ways to maintain an emotional connection with your husband is to prioritize time alone together. Plan and stick to regular date nights—and put your phone away! Studies show that many partners feel ignored or have a lower priority than their partner’s phone, which leads to conflict. 

Recognize when the marriage is too damaged to save

If you've consistently tried to reconnect with your husband and made no progress, it may help to know some signs that the damage in your marriage is too extensive to save the relationship. 

• You don’t communicate with each other, and you feel like he doesn’t listen to you. 
• People have commented that you aren’t acting like yourself. 
• You both instinctually look for faults and reasons to attack instead of ways to compromise and work together. 
• You avoid making eye contact or physical contact with your husband when possible. 
• Most of his behavior irritates you. 
• Verbal abuse toward each other is common. 
• You find yourself thinking or acting like a single person. 

If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7.

Reach out for professional help

When you’re feeling strong negative feelings toward your husband, you may benefit from speaking with a qualified relationship therapist to help you navigate the process together with the support and guidance of a mental health professional. 

How couples therapy can help your marriage

Many people feel like they hate their husbands after years of marriage. If you’ve been experiencing negative emotions toward your husband for a while, consider working with a licensed therapist online through a virtual relationship therapy platform like Regain. Individual or couples therapy can help you identify and address the underlying issues causing you to hate your husband. Treatment can help you build communication skills to express your needs and feelings, coping skills to manage stress, and conflict resolution strategies to help you work through issues together. 

Recent American Psychological Association studies show no substantial difference between online and in-person therapy results. Virtual treatments are often much less expensive and involve shorter waiting times before speaking with a professional. Teletherapy platforms provide users with connection to a comprehensive selection of therapists. If you don’t find someone who makes you feel comfortable and blends well with your situation and personality on the first try, it's simple to connect with another therapist. Studies also show that couples therapy is equally effective online and face-to-face, increasing relationship satisfaction and decreasing depression, anxiety, and stress symptoms. 

Takeaway 

You aren’t alone if you’ve been feeling like you hate your husband. Many people experience similar emotions after years of marriage. The information presented in this article offers insight into why you may hate your husband, what you can do to overcome the feelings, and how couples therapy can help you rebuild a healthy marriage.