Why Married Men Flirt And What To Do About It
Sometimes, married men flirt with other women. For some, it may be because they don't view it as cheating or perhaps to influence their wife's behavior. For others, it could be because they seek an illicit connection and disregard the hurt it could cause you and their wives. Read on to learn more about why married men flirt, some tips for what you can do about it, and how therapy can help couples reconnect or move past relationship issues.
Is a married man flirting with you or being nice?
If you know a man is married but aren't sure whether he is flirting with you or being nice, take the time to examine his behavior before reacting. Otherwise, you may find yourself stuck in an awkward conversation. It’s entirely possible he’s just being nice, and you are misinterpreting his demeanor as flirtatious. The following are some common signs that a married man may be flirting with you.
According to a study about flirting motivations, there are six primary reasons people flirt.
- Sex
- Fun
- Exploration
- Relational (social)
- Esteem
- Instrumental (to serve a purpose)
Body language
Paying attention to his body language can give you insight into his motivations. Does he turn his body toward you when you stand or sit next to one another? Does he make frequent eye contact and smile as he speaks to you or lean toward you while you’re close to each other? If so, he may be flirting with you.
Touch
While someone being friendly may touch another person, there is often a weightier feeling to touches made while flirting, often because they are unnecessary or lingering. Does he find excuses to be close to you or touch you? If so, he may be trying to flirt.
Tone
A married man’s tone of voice and facial expressions may give you some clues as to whether he’s flirting with you. It isn’t necessarily a solid indicator, but it should give you an idea.
Teasing
If he regularly teases you or keeps a running joke going that he repeats, he may be flirting. Teasing has been a time-honored part of flirting since grade school, and it is often a solid indicator.
Remembering what you say
A man who’s flirting may remember the tidbits you offered in previous conversations and repeat them the next time you speak. If this happens, it could mean you've been on his mind, and he wants to show he was listening.
Frequently texting you
He may be flirting with you if he frequently texts you throughout the day, especially if the messages are intimate or related to his personal life.
Focusing on you
If he attends an event with his wife and spends time and energy focusing on you, he is probably flirting and may use you to manipulate his wife into a desired reaction.
How to handle a married flirt
What can you do if a married man flirts with you?
- Tell him that you know he is married and you aren’t interested.
- Remove yourself from the situation.
- If inappropriate behavior occurs in the workplace after you’ve asked him not to flirt, speak with human resources.
- Mention his wife.
Why do married men flirt with other women?
Married men may flirt with other women for a wide variety of reasons. He may be naturally flirtatious, simply being nice, in an open or polyamorous marriage, or seeking an affair. The reasons why he flirts with someone other than his wife are unique to each man, but researchers have noticed some common trends through years of study.
“In a new study, psychologists determined men tend to look at their partners in a more negative light after meeting a single, attractive woman. On the other hand, women are likelier to work to strengthen their current relationships after meeting an available, attractive man.” — American Psychological Association
He craves attention and wants to be wanted
A married man may flirt with other women because he’s feeding a desire to be wanted and thinks he can get the attention he wants from you. He may seek confirmation that he is attractive to someone other than his wife or want to boost his self-confidence because he doesn’t feel wanted by his wife. He also may have been rejected in the past and seeks excessive affirmation of his attractiveness.
His marriage lacks intimacy
If his marriage lacks physical or emotional intimacy, he may flirt to seek that connection elsewhere. While there could be many reasons he feels a decline in intimacy in his marriage, flirting with someone else isn’t likely to provide the solution he wants.
He likes the thrill of the chase
Many men enjoy the thrill of the chase, flirting because they like the pursuit of the unattainable. He may have no intention to follow through with more than flirting. When a couple has been together for a long time, there is little sense of pursuit left, and he may simply want to know he can interest another woman.
Flirting is risky
Flirting with someone other than his wife is risky behavior, and if he’s caught, it could lead to negative consequences in his marriage—but that’s why it’s exciting, too. The fact that he doesn’t want his wife to know indicates he knows it’s wrong, but he may see it as harmless fun. Certain mental health conditions, such as bipolar depression, may make resisting risky behaviors and temptation more challenging.
He wants to manipulate his wife into jealousy
Some married men attend public events with their wives and use the time to flirt with other women. This behavior may indicate that he’s trying to manipulate his wife into reacting in a certain way, such as jealousy, by allowing her to see him flirting with another woman.
He’s looking for sex
Sometimes, married men flirt because they are looking to cheat on their wives and have sex with other people. He is willing to disregard the harm his actions could cause to his wife, the other woman, and himself for the sake of temporary pleasure. He may also have a sexual addiction disorder.
When does flirting cross the line?
Flirting can be a natural reaction and done with innocent intentions. Discussing where the boundaries lie between excusable and inappropriate flirting can be healthy. The behavior only becomes a problem when it makes someone uncomfortable, so defining what is and isn't okay can help you avoid issues. A 2019 study shows that women are more likely to be upset about an emotional affair, while physical affairs bother men more. Flirting may cross the line if it involves:
- Coming on to someone by expressing overt sexual interest.
- It requires attention you should be giving your spouse.
- You feel the need to hide it.
- You’re trying to make your partner jealous.
- You react defensively when confronted about it.
- It becomes physical, with you deliberately touching someone else.
- There is an attraction beyond flirting.
What to do if your husband flirts
If your husband flirts with other women, you may feel helpless and wonder what you can do to change his behavior. While much of that depends on why he feels the need to flirt, try some of these strategies to bring up the subject.
- Identify why your husband is flirting with other women. Is your marriage lacking something he needs? Does he flirt with most women or one particular woman?
- Redirect his attention to you by flirting with him.
- Calmly discuss how his behavior makes you feel.
- Foster emotional and physical intimacy in your relationship.
- Define rules for inappropriate flirting.
Reach out for help
It’s easy to feel discouraged if you learn your husband has been flirting with another woman. If you are having trouble moving past it on your own, you may benefit from speaking to an individual or couples therapist to overcome issues with the support and guidance of a mental health professional.
How therapy can help couples improve communication skills
Couples therapy can be a valuable resource when your relationship is going through difficulties. If your husband's flirting hurts you, consider working with a licensed couples therapist on an online therapy platform focused on relationship issues, such as Regain. Couples therapy can help you identify the underlying issues that may lead to your husband’s flirting.
According to data published in the Frontiers In Psychology journal, researchers found no substantial difference in the outcomes of online and in-person couples therapy. During the study, both groups demonstrated significant improvement in relationship satisfaction and a noticeable reduction in symptoms related to stress, depression, and anxiety.
Takeaway
While married men may flirt for many reasons, it can help to understand some of what they could be thinking or seeking with such behavior. The information presented in this article may explain why married men flirt with other women and what you can do to respond.
Frequently asked questions (FAQs)
What does it mean when a married man flirts?
If a married man is flirting with you, it may mean a plethora of things. For example, some men have expressed a lack of physicality in their marriage, which prompts them to go outside of their marriage specifically for sex. Thus, this flirtation may be a step towards sexual relations. Other men have experienced problems with their marriage because they are not the top priority in their spouse’s life anymore. This priority “problem” can be due to several factors such as children taking precedence and much of the wife’s love. Additionally, the romantic “spark” and level of interest could have dimmed after being married for a period of time. Some men have also expressed a lack of communication and emotional distancing in their marriage. Whatever the case may be, there is a level of attraction that can diminish when these types of problems arise in a marriage, making flirtation an outlet to show the man is attracted to you since he is not getting that attraction at home.
How do you tell if a married man likes you quiz?
Clues that a married man likes you can vary depending on the man. Like any other human being, this man is unique and probably has his own indications of attraction. That being said, adjust these next indicators as deemed necessary. An attraction for men tends to rely on physicality. If he maintains a closer distance to you or touches you in any way, this married man probably has or is developing romantic feelings for you. Physicality aside, a married man may express his attraction for you through emotional conversations that are deeper than friendship warrants. Another key component of analyzing a married man’s feelings for you is acknowledging when you are alone together. If he actively tries to meet you or get you alone, then you should be wary of his relationship expectations.
How do you tell if a married man wants to sleep with you?
Signs a married man wants to sleep with you and signs a single man wants to sleep with you are probably going to be similar. Some signs a man wants to sleep with you can include the location where you are meeting. For example, if you are meeting a man at his home alone for whatever reason (dinner, after-hours work, drinks), you can safely assume he will be hoping for sex or physical contact during your evening visit. Similarly, if you meet at a restaurant or anywhere that is “neutral ground” – not on either of your personal properties – and he asks if you want to go to his house or somewhere more intimate, similar hopes for physical contact may be imminent.
Why would a married man flirt with a married woman?
If a married man is flirting with a married woman, his gaze may be fixed on someone his wife is not or someone he wants his wife to become. His motivations can involve the “other woman” being a better resemblance of his wife (or a completely opposite version that he prefers over his wife). It is possible the two women have some similarities in common which the married man is attracted to; however, the married woman he flirts with is bound to have qualities that he deems important which his wife does not possess/express. This variety-seeking can be another form of manipulation towards his wife, encouraging her to be someone she is not in order to gain his attention and affection back from the woman with whom he is flirting. His actions may also be self-serving, using someone else’s wife to compensate for what he wants in a wife.
How do you make a married man miss you?
Making a married man miss you is a tricky situation. First and foremost (like any other relationship), you need to ensure that the individual’s well being and wishes are at the forefront of your thoughts. If the man breaks off a relationship with you to return to his marriage, you need to be respectful of his decision. However, if this married man is attracted to you and continues to go back and forth between his wife and you, you have every right to end the relationship for your own physical and emotional benefit. You should also consider ending the relationship as soon as you find out about his marital status considering the motivations he may have behind dating/courting/using you as well as his actions towards his wife. The moral and ethical decision of ending a relationship with a married man may seem difficult if you are single and genuinely in love with this man. However, you must keep in mind the heartbreak his wife will experience (if she doesn’t already know about her husband’s affairs) and save her (and yourself) from the pain this twisted love triangle will bring. The motivations of the man can also be manipulative. In these cases, a married man flirting with you, trying to sleep with you, etc. can be using you for physical/emotional contact that he isn’t receiving at home. The key component of this statement is that he is returning home. No matter what this man says to win your heart and affections, the reality is that he is using you as compensation and will continue to return home to his wife and married life, not you.
Is he being nice or is he interested?
Signs a married man is being nice versus signs a man is interested vary to the degree of his actions. For example,
- Is the attention he is giving you over-the-top or common?
- Is his eye contact never-wavering or good but occasionally lingering?
- Are his comments personal and deep or just small talk?
- Does he do favors for you without hesitation or does he just give advice?
- Does he make physical contact with you or maintain a good social distancing?
These minute details (and more) can help identify if a married man is just being friendly or being friendly with an intimate intention. Be on the lookout and when in doubt, communicate your questions/concerns to him for clarification.
Do guys give subtle hints?
If you are with a married man and are trying to decipher if he is flirting with you, hints can include (but are not limited to):
- physical contact,
- eye contact,
- topics of conversation,
- locations where you meet him,
- types and times of meetings (i.e. Social or work? Professional or casual? During the work hours of after hours? With other people or alone?
- Does he mention his spouse while with you?
While there are surely other hints to his feelings and intentions for you, these are some starter basics to be looking for. Please read “Is he being nice or is he interested?” for more information.
How do you know if a married man likes you through text?
The types of messages a married man sends should be kept casual and/or professional. When details start to get incredibly personal, you should be wary of his intentions. What makes texting difficult can be a lack of emotional comprehension. While this may sound childish, emoji’s are an excellent way to determine the intentions of someone’s texts. If a married man sends you heart-related emoji’s in a context that is not joking but genuine, this could be a sign that he likes you as more than a friend. If these texts start appearing from him, be sure to clarify with him and express your feelings and concerns regarding the situation and your relationship.
How do affairs start?
Affairs tend to be triggered by foundational problems which manifest into larger and more destructive reactions. Looking at the marriage itself, affairs may occur if certain relational needs or desires are not being met to the degree one of the spouses wants. If these needs are not met, then a partner may go looking for satisfaction elsewhere. Additionally, affairs can form from past love interests that have not been resolved or that still possess sexual and/or emotional tension. Affairs can also begin through different communication platforms: face-to-face, texting, social media, and via phone, email, postal mail, etc.
What is crossing the line in flirting?
You may be asking, “Is flirting cheating?” When it comes to flirting with a married man or woman, any flirting could be seen as crossing the line. Because flirting can progress to more emotional and personal feelings, any and all flirting should be kept to significant others/spouses. If flirting is used in a joking manner (and is acknowledged and accepted by the other spouse), then crossing the line of flirting starts when the flirting initiates romantic feelings and urges or concerns the spouse. At this point, a conversation needs to occur so that the jokes can cease or that a consensus can be made to ensure marital fidelity.
Why is a married man texting me?
Think about your relationship with said married man. Is this person a stranger? If so, you should be concerned and block the number if you did not give permission for this person to contact you. Is this person someone you know well? If so, what is his reasoning to text you? If they are simply asking a question or extending greetings as a friend or spouse of one of your friends, then you probably do not need to be concerned about their intentions. When the texts become more personal questions that are usually discussed with a significant other instead of a friend, bring those conversations to light and ask for clarification regarding the man’s reasoning. Better yet, tell him he should be discussing these topics with his wife instead of you.
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