Can An Online Quiz Tell Me If My Husband Is A Narcissist?

Everyone can be selfish. At one point or another, you may have acted inconsiderately, been arrogant, pushed others around, or behaved as if you were the center of the universe. Still, for most people, this behavior is the exception rather than the rule. When this behavior becomes the norm, we may label it as self-absorbed, arrogant, or even narcissistic.

Dealing with a narcissist can be difficult to say the least. Being married to a narcissist can be extraordinarily challenging. Many of the behaviors and beliefs required to develop deep and trusting affection and stable relationships may be absent in a narcissist. There are so many ways for your interactions to go bad, and your home may be full of criticism, judgment, and even fear.

Determining whether your husband is a narcissist may not be easy, and it could require the help of a counselor. While the word is sometimes used as a synonym for “arrogant,” narcissism goes much further. In fact, it can be a diagnosable disorder. When you are grappling with this question, it can be tempting to turn to resources like online quizzes that proclaim to help you determine if your spouse is a narcissist. However, psychological issues may not be easy to diagnose. In particular, narcissism can be complicated in its expressions, so professional help is vital to identifying it and addressing it.

If you believe you are married to a narcissist and were considering using a quiz to verify that belief, this article is for you. Read on to learn about where narcissism comes from, what it looks like, and why a quiz is insufficient for a diagnosis.

What causes narcissistic behavior?

When it comes to understanding the source of personality issues like a fear of vulnerability or a tendency toward dishonesty, there is usually some underlying trauma to unearth. When diagnosing a psychological disorder such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, or other disorder, there are sometimes distinct brain functions that are lacking. In these cases, the condition may be addressed through medication and treatment.

The exact causes of a complicated disorder like narcissism, however, can be unclear. Because it occurs on a spectrum, narcissistic behavior can be strongly affected by various personal and environmental factors. While there may be a genetic component to it, we have not identified a ‘narcissism gene’. Similarly, external factors can increase the likelihood of developing a narcissistic personality disorder, but it is unlikely to manifest unless there are predispositions towards narcissism.

Nevertheless, the following indicators do seem to be consistent factors that increase the likelihood of developing narcissism. If you know that these experiences were part of your husband’s development up to now, it may be worth exploring further.

Dysfunctional parenting: This type of parenting can take a few different forms. Does your partner pressure your kids? Maybe his parents were excessive in their praise to the point of pampering him with constant compliments. Or maybe they were excessively critical, and an inflated sense of self-developed as a defense mechanism. 

Criticism and abuse to the point of trauma: This can come from outside the home too.

Extremely high expectations: These can come from anywhere (e.g., parents, friends, school, work), and they can take surprising forms. Receiving constant compliments, for example, creates an expectation of also being compliment worthy. Wherever these high expectations come from and however they arrive, the effect is the same. Narcissist learns to believe that everything is expected of them, so they must be capable of everything.

Determining if your husband is showing signs of narcissism

True narcissism goes beyond mere selfishness or rude behavior. It is a psychologically diagnosable disorder that occurs on a spectrum. It can be important to distinguish someone inconsiderate from someone who is completely self-absorbed.

The list below is not exhaustive and determining whether your spouse is truly a narcissist is something that only a professional can do. However, these factors may indicate the likelihood that you are dealing with a narcissist and can help you figure out what to do next. At the very least, if you observe several of these behaviors happening to a high degree, it’s an indication something troubling may be going on.

This list is also a good example of why an online quiz, while thought-provoking, may come up short on this topic. While some of these behaviors may occur from time to time, that doesn’t necessarily mean that narcissism is the cause. An online quiz can miss this important nuance. Moreover, some of these behaviors may be easy to understand, but others can be harder to identify. Even if a licensed psychologist wrote the quiz, remember that no one can identify narcissism without meeting the individual in person and learning more about them.

Lack of accountability

In the narcissist’s mind, success is the natural result of their extraordinary ability and general greatness. Thus, any mistakes and failures must be the fault of other people. Sure, we are all susceptible to focusing on the mistakes of others over our own in difficult situations. But if that’s the way your husband responds to every issue, it could be because he is incapable of taking any responsibility for bad things happening.

Willingness to blame others

This typically coincides with the previous issue. Blaming others can be easy to do, and in some situations, it’s completely appropriate. However, most of us understand how unpleasant it is to be blamed and understand when it is counterproductive to solving the problem. 

Obsessed with having control and power

Narcissists believe they are more capable than everyone else. This naturally leads them to believe that they should be the decision-maker on just about everything and that their greatness should always be recognized. Your husband may be keenly interested in having the last say and taking control over decision-making.

True self-absorption

It’s one thing to be ignorant of or resistant to other people and their issues. This can happen with anyone depending on the circumstances and may be a passing phase of bad behavior. But if everything you or your children do is interpreted as a reflection of him, then he may truly only be concerned with himself.

Emotional immaturity

What inspires your partner to do nice things for you? Is it because he really loves you or because other people are around? Does your husband tend to exaggerate insults and hold grudges unnecessarily? Does he care about how bad news will affect the family, or just himself? In general, does your husband seem to understand that your relationship is a partnership, not a one-person show? 

Manipulative dishonesty

This can take many forms. The most obvious would be lying to you to control your perception of reality. More subtle versions can include seemingly harmless falsehoods like telling a story in a way that makes them look better than reality. 

Ability to listen or even interest in doing so

Open and honest communication is fundamental to any healthy relationship. It’s how we connect with our loved ones and reinforce our bonds of affection. However, for a narcissist, a conversation is just another opportunity to self-promote and deal with personal problems. When you talk to your husband, does he listen or seem to care? Or does he quickly turn the conversation to himself? A general inability to engage meaningfully in conversation can be a sign of narcissism.

Children are merely a means to an end

Narcissists have a hard time valuing anyone else’s actions besides their own. This includes their children. How they interact with them can be very telling. If he never comes to events unless he is directly interested in the activity or pushes the children to do things that make him happy even if they don’t like it, take note.

Bossing you around

A relationship is a partnership, and both people’s autonomy and capability need to be respected. If your partner believes that their opinion is inherently more valuable than yours in a particularly grandiose sense, narcissism could be the cause. Narcissists like to tell other people what to do and see no problem doing so. They may even be surprised that it bothers you. If your husband tends to be pushy about their way of doing things, this can be problematic.

How to respond to a narcissistic husband

First, take some solace in learning that you aren’t crazy. If you are living with a narcissist husband, your life has likely been extremely challenging up to now. Narcissists create hostile environments for other people. They are manipulative and controlling, neglect your emotional needs, and place enormous pressure on their spouses to constantly praise them. This can be exhausting, and it is important to take some time to appreciate that you didn’t imagine it.

Recognize that they are unlikely to ever change. Dealing with a narcissist and convincing them to change their ways can be extremely difficult, if not impossible. Even getting them to admit that they are narcissists is a challenge. 

Next, process that you have likely been a victim of abuse. Even if your partner never struck you, they may have been damaging your self-esteem, your belief in your own judgment, and your general ability to live a happy life. This is why it may be necessary to end the relationship.

Finally, consider seeking professional counseling. If you suspect that your husband is a narcissist, you owe it to yourself to get professional validation. Once this is done, you can start working with them to figure out an action plan for moving beyond this issue. Whatever happens next, you want an objective professional to help you navigate your new awareness.

If your husband is a narcissist, a quiz ultimately won’t tell you

The Internet is full of quizzes in several popular categories that try to help us understand complicated issues and identify the types of people in our lives. A quick quiz about narcissism can help you begin to understand the different ways it can show up. However, it will not ultimately help you confirm that your husband is a narcissist. At best, you should consider it a starting point to your exploration of this topic.

Dealing with narcissism (whether overt narcissism, seductive narcissism, covert narcissism, or vindictive narcissism) can be tricky and often requires professional help. Even understanding what your relationship issues are and whether narcissism should be considered takes some experience.

If you’re married to a narcissist, getting to an in-person appointment with a therapist or counselor can be challenging. Narcissists are often opposed to seeking professional help in relationships, so your husband might try to prevent you from getting the help you both need.

Online therapy is effective, too. Studies have consistently shown that people undergoing online counseling experience positive results similar to those in in-person treatment. 

Counselor reviews

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Takeaway

Narcissists are not necessarily hopeless, but helping one improve takes a lot of work. It can take a toll on your own mental health, and it may not be worth it for you in the end. If you have been struggling with a narcissistic partner for some time, it is perfectly acceptable to decide not to do it anymore. The counselors at Regain are well-versed in handling relationship issues of all kinds and can help you navigate the results of whatever you decide.