How To Have A Healthy Father-Daughter Relationship As An Adult

There are many articles out there about how fathers can create a better relationship with their daughters. But there is another side to the issue that may sometimes be ignored. For daughters, it can be difficult to build and maintain this relationship as an adult. Below, you will find some strategies and advice for navigating the father-daughter bond once you’re all grown up.

You may have grown up with your dad leading the charge on relationship building. At some point, though, you may start to wonder when this responsibility falls on you as a daughter. It can be an important thing to consider as there are advantages of being close with your dad. 

From infancy to young adulthood, a strong father-daughter relationship may come with benefits such as:

• better grades
• higher self-esteem
• assertiveness 
• more confident in relationships with men
• longer-lasting, more fulfilling relationships
• more likely to be admitted to graduate school and get a degree

As an adult, the benefits of a close relationship with your dad can be less obvious. And it might be harder to be close. Your interests and views might have changed. Still, there are things you may be able to do to keep the relationship healthy and strong:

Spend more time together

You may not be spending as much time as you think you are with your parents. Once you graduate high school and move out of the family home, your time with them may be limited. There are some techniques you can use to make the most of what time you have left together, though. 

If you live close to your dad, it could be as simple as having dinner with him every week or two. If you don’t live close enough, you may consider jumping on a phone call or video chat. This can be awkward, but it may get easier the more often you do it. You could also send a letter or text message if that’s more comfortable for you.

Another way to see more of your dad is with experience gifts. Think about what your dad likes to do. Chances are, he’s into one type of sport or activity. You might want to take him to a sporting event for his birthday, Father’s Day, or just for fun. You can also go out to a sports bar together to watch the game or simply watch it together from home.

It might be that you feel your relationship with your mom or stepmom is doing well. You may get to see plenty of her, but the relationship with your dad could be lacking. If this is the case, then consider planning things for just the two of you.

This could require getting out of your comfort zone to spend one-on-one time with him instead of hanging out with your parents together. This might encourage you to talk to him directly and not lean on more comfortable relationships instead.

Even if your interests have changed a lot compared to your dad, you may want to try to do things he likes to do every once and a while. This type of gesture may show him that you care about him. It could make him  feel loved, so he might be more inclined to try something new that you choose next time.

An article by Linda Nielsen mentions that daughters may feel close to their dads as a result of playing sports together growing up. This isn’t the only way to form a bond though. Nielsen points out that “some daughters also mentioned working with their dads or vacationing alone with him”.

Vacation together

Not everyone can afford to take their fathers on vacation every year, but you may want to keep in mind that it doesn’t have to be fancy. There could be plenty of fun, inexpensive places in your local area that you can explore with your dad. Here are some ideas:  

• go camping
• visit a national park
• take a weekend road trip
• ride roller coasters
• go hiking
• visit a museum
• go to a sporting event
• do an escape room
• play board games
• join a club sports team
• see a movie and get coffee after

You may want to keep your dad and his preferences in mind when choosing activities. If he doesn’t like crowds, for example, then an amusement park might not be the best option. And while some dads might be open to going to a yoga class with you, your dad may not find that idea appealing, or he might have physical limitations. When in doubt, you could always consult with him beforehand.

If you see your dad a lot, but it’s awkward when you hang out, then this next suggestion might be for you.

Create a foundation for communication

Perhaps  you’ve had relationship problems in the past. It could also be that your dad is an introvert. Maybe your conversations are awkward, but you don’t know why.

Consider an analogy: In construction, a foundation is the structural skeleton of a house. Without foundations, houses would fall apart. Communication may work similarly. Instead of cement, nails, and two-by-fours, communication can be built with vulnerability and respect.

You may changed a lot since you were a little girl. Your dad might know that, and he may have changed a lot since then too. You might have gone from seeing each other every day to a few times a month or less. At the same time, though, you could have years of memories with him. In this way, it can feel like a paradox. You might feel like you know each other well and also don’t know each other at all.

Still, you may both believe that you know each other so well that there’s nothing left to talk about. Chances are, though, that there’s a lot you haven’t expressed to each other. Studies show that women are more likely to talk to their mom about personal things than their dad.

You may want to use these unexplored areas to your advantage. By being vulnerable and open with your dad, you can set the example for the rest of the relationship.

That’s not to say it will be easy. Vulnerability can be scary, especially if you haven’t told your dad certain things because you’re afraid of how he might react. In this case, it can help to set boundaries first before starting a difficult conversation.

Set boundaries

If you’re struggling to be open with your dad, you might be dealing with some fears and insecurities. You may want to figure out what those are. For example, if you’re afraid of being judged, it may be a good time to set a boundary. Plus, it might give him a chance to get in a receptive frame of mind instead of being blindsided by the conversation.

You can say something like: “I’ve wanted to tell you this for a while, but I’ve been afraid of your reaction. Is it okay if I talk it out before you say anything?”

Setting a boundary in this way can be inviting. It also lets him know that this topic is hard for you to talk about. And you set the boundary by asking him if he agrees to listen before he responds instead of telling him what to do. It’s a sign of respect and may build trust.

If he doesn’t agree to accept the boundary you’ve set, then you don’t have to talk about the subject. If he does agree, consider holding him accountable to the boundary you set. If you start talking and he interrupts you, for example, you may have to gently remind him of the boundary that is in place.

It can be easier said than done, but being vulnerable can help you skip the small talk and connect on a deeper level.

Treat it like any other close relationship

Consider treating your relationship with your dad like any other close relationship. In other close relationships, for instance, you may make time for each other and go out of your way to communicate respectfully. These things might feel  harder to do with your dad, but it could be worth the effort.

Think about the steps you have taken to stay close with your mom, partner, or friends. Then, ask yourself whether you’ve put the same amount of effort into the relationship with your dad. 

You may also want to keep in mind times when you did feel close with your dad. Think about what was different then and if you might be able to recreate those situations. 

Remember that there’s only so much you can do

Relationships are built on a mutual effort to build trusting bonds. That means you might not be able to carry the relationship on your own. It may take work on his part as well. 

Still, consider doing  your best to accept your dad for who he is. He’s not perfect, nor is anyone else. We often grow up looking at our parents through rose-tinted goggles, only to find out that they’re human like everyone else.

How to approach fights

There are several reasons people fight in close relationships. Perhaps the most important skills you can have in approaching disagreements are listening skills and enough patience to remain calm.

If your dad is showing disapproval towards some of your choices, you may want to do your best to explain your perspective. He still may not understand, and that’s okay. You could also let him know how these conversations make you feel and how they could be improved.

If, on the other hand, you’re fighting with your dad in an effort to help him curb bad habits, consider reallocating that job to someone else. Or you could ask for help, so all the pressure isn’t on you. You may also want to consider his perspective. 

Support for challenging father-daughter relationships

You can also get advice and moral support from a trusted relationship therapist. Talking about what you’re going through can be beneficial. And a trained relationship counselor may be able to teach you exercises to deal with challenges and conflicts in your relationship.

You can also try these exercises:

• Listen to understand, instead of to respond.
• Take a time out and go for a walk to calm down.
• Skip the accusations. Instead, say, “The story I’m telling myself is…” (Example: The story I’m telling myself is you disapprove of my life choices because you change the subject whenever I talk about my job.)
• Repeat back what the other person says. They may appreciate being heard and understood.
• Apologize, even if you think you’re “right”.

Reaching out for help from a therapist could be difficult, though, especially in-person. Your dad may be opposed to the idea, for example. Online therapy could be ideal since it can be pursued individually or with your father in a setting that could put you at ease. Many people report feeling better about opening up to a counselor in a web-based environment. 

Research suggests that any concerns about the legitimacy of online therapy are largely unfounded. A recent study investigated the effectiveness of videoconferencing as a delivery method for counseling and found that it was effective not only for individuals, but for couples and families as well. 

Counselor reviews

Dads can have shells that are hard to crack. With a little time and love, you can have a rewarding and healthy relationship with your dad. If you find that you need additional support or guidance as you navigate this important bond, reach out to the skilled and compassionate counselors here at Regain.  

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