“Now That He’s Not A Child, My Grown Son Hates Me”: On Resentment In Adult Children
Defined as "feeling intense or passionate dislike for someone," hate is not a term we typically want to associate with how our loved ones feel about us, particularly from our children. But as with any deeply bonded relationship, strong feelings, including hate, sometimes arise between parents and children.
While it isn’t totally uncommon, hatred directed towards a parent from a grown son or an adult child can develop into something more serious when left unaddressed. If your grown son or adult child hates you, and you don’t know what to do about it, it’s helpful to visualize your desired outcome: a harmonious, balanced, healthy relationship. In this post, we’ll discuss some of the reasons that grown children grow to hate their parents and what you can do to repair the hurt feelings and move toward that healthy outcome.
“What are the reasons my grown son hates me?” Exploring sources of negativity
Sometimes we aren’t as in tune with the feelings of our loved ones as we’d like to be, which can lead to complications when it’s time to try and resolve them. Before you decide how to repair your relationship with your son or your adult child, it’s important to consider if you’re unwittingly exhibiting behavior undermining your efforts.
Here are a few things that may contribute to your son’s strong negative feelings.
You’re inflexible
We all have different stories and opinions, including a myriad of experiences that we’ve had with our children. Parents sometimes feel the need to be right no matter the cost. But if you insist your version of events is the only one accurate, your children may feel they don't have a right to theirs. Accept their stories as being valid for them. It doesn't mean you're wrong; it just means you're listening. If you are wrong, it’s vital to acknowledge that.
You aren’t mindful of his boundaries
Parents who find their adult children seem angry or avoid them may have confused good intentions with crossing boundaries. Not respecting your grown son or adult child’s boundaries can create animosity and cause toxic dynamics. While it’s tempting to want to “fix” problems for our children like we did when they were little kids - it’s not always appropriate or welcome as they grow to adulthood.
Sometimes our emotional attachments towards our kids can cloud our judgment towards how they live as adults. While a healthy emotional attachment is a positive and nurturing thing, when emotional attachment becomes an obsession and preoccupation towards our kids, it can be destructive and harmful.
You don't know him as an individual
We all change as we mature, developing unique views, opinions, and outlooks on life. As such, your son or your adult child isn’t likely to be the same person mentally or emotionally that he was as a child. It probably isn’t helpful and sometimes “wrong” to assume you still know what he thinks and feels in adulthood- now is an excellent time to “reacquaint” yourself with him as an adult person.
You don't let him make his own choices
Your adult son or your adult child has a right to his decisions in life on lifestyle, religion, partners, choices, etc., as much as any other adult person. You may give advice when requested or provide gentle encouragement. Still, unless he’s engaging in dangerous behavior, it’s important not to overstep and push your opinions and values onto your son if they don’t align with his life as an adult.
You struggle to help him feel heard
Active listening does matter - it is the bedrock of any relationship, especially for those undergoing challenges.
For many parents, it’s perhaps ingrained in us to take over conversations with our children or split our attention between our kids and other things. This is a relatively common thing, especially when our kids are young, but as they get older, it’s necessary to change our listening style to suit their needs. For example, if your son or adult child attempts to communicate something important with you, speaking over him will probably only yield frustration. Meaningful conversations work best when they’re a two-way endeavor, so try to listen attentively when your kids are talking and allow them to speak their minds entirely without interrupting.
How to respond when you think your adult child hates you
If you can identify with one or more of the above behaviors, it may be easier to see why your adult child, who is your son, hates you right now. It may also be the reason he does not show respect and work on the behaviors necessary to resolve your conflicts. Below are some suggestions for what you can actively do to repair the relationship with your grown son or your kids and ease their feelings of hate toward you.
Minimize guilt trips on adult children
There are several reasons that parents use the recognized “guilt trip” (either unwittingly or purposefully) to sway their adult children’s behaviors. For example, generations ago, adult kids wouldn’t typically consider spending the holidays with anyone but their parents. But with time, the behaviors of the kids have changed, and that isn’t the most common scenario for many families.
Like your adult child has matured and changed as a person, so have the recent generations. When you feel your son, or your kids for that matter, should adhere to the norms of your generation by coming home for every holiday, you may use guilt as a tactic to make them feel that what they’re doing is wrong. Guilt isn’t an effective means of getting what you want out of any relationship. Trying to use it on your adult son or daughter creates strong feelings of aversion or even hate. It may also mean you won’t see him at holidays or family gatherings.
Don't compete with their partner
Choosing a mate, or a person as their partner does matter, and it is a developmentally important process that must be respected. Criticizing your adult son’s choice of partners can cause tension, but if they’re committed and in love, complaining to your son about his partner is a sure way to drive a wedge between you. Unless he initiates the conversation and asks for advice, you should respect that it’s probably best to stay out of his relationships (unless you see that they’re abusive psychologically and physically).
If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7.
Don't feed the anger
Because humans often exhibit “fight or flight” behavior when faced with a perceived threat, we, as parents, sometimes react to strong emotions like fear with anger. When you’re fearful about your son’s future and your relationship, you may rely on friends, family, etc., for a listening ear. In an attempt to be supportive, even your friends and other people may inadvertently fuel your feelings of betrayal, inadvertently increasing your anger.
Anger isn’t wrong, but it isn't typically helpful when repairing relationships, even if it’s from a well-meaning place of respect. Try to diffuse your anger towards your son for the sake of reconciliation- even if you and others feel that they’re warranted.
Focus on yourself, not your child
Letting go of resentment regarding your son’s feelings and your relationship may begin with focusing on yourself, not him. By focusing on yourself, you are bettering yourself as a person and parent and giving him the time and space to nurture and grow into the man he chooses to be.
Try to nurture yourself by engaging in pleasant activities that you enjoy. If you like cooking, taking a cooking class may be helpful, or if you enjoy nature, spend time camping or hiking. Becoming an “empty nester” is a life-changing event. Focusing on things outside of this emotional time may give you the fulfillment you need and, in turn, position you for healthy reconciliation.
Apologize
If you’re wrong about something, it’s essential to express your apologies to minimize feelings of animosity from your son. If you aren’t wrong, take the high road by refraining from insisting that he apologize to you. Remember that apologizing when you’re wrong is a strength, not a weakness, and will help keep the door open for communication between you.
Here are some suggestions for delivering a heartfelt apology:
- Take responsibility for your feelings even if you are not in the wrong - it will matter.
- Connect the feeling to the action (explain in your apology when you did wrong and why you felt the way you did).
- Apologize for the wrong action.
- Recognize your child's feelings.
- Discuss how you’ll avoid this situation in the future together.
- Ask for forgiveness and respect each other even if you feel hurt.
- Focus on the matter of amends and solutions.
Finding mental health support for a healthy parent-child relationship
Hearing the words "I hate you" from a person, especially from your adult son can exceedingly feel hurtful and wrong. And being cut off by your son with no ability to communicate and resolve things is equally difficult. But it’s essential to remember you’re not alone when coping with how you feel. Support is available through family, friends, colleagues, and your community.
Ask an online therapist, “Why do I feel like my grown son hates me?”
The most effective way to handle difficult situations such as these is to speak to a counselor who can provide you with strategies for recognizing the behaviors that you exhibit that don’t serve you or your relationship with your son. A counselor can help you uncover the roots of the thoughts that influence your behavior and teach you how to manage your feelings best and reduce harmful reactivity in communication.
Therapy is effective, but despite its benefits, only some choose to speak to a professional. The reasons for these are varied, from scheduling conflicts to feelings of insecurity around confiding in a stranger about sensitive topics.
Effectiveness of mental health care through online therapy
Online therapy is an excellent solution to these and other barriers for people who could benefit from treatment. Online platforms like Regain pair individuals with licensed, accredited, experienced counselors with a wide array of specialties. These include using techniques like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to help individuals and families navigate the difficulties associated with relationships and family dynamics.
You can speak to a therapist via Regain on your schedule from the comfort of home via text, phone, video chat, and online messaging. Online therapy is as effective as traditional therapy for using methods like CBT to help individuals cultivate healthy, balanced mental and interpersonal health.
Therapist reviews
Below are some reviews of Regain therapists from clients coping with personal and familial relationship challenges:
“Dr Bown has made significant impact in our lives and She is always giving honest advice and we feel she genuinely cares about our family. She is a valued treasure that we are grateful for in our lives :)”
“Yumi is amazing and a perfect fit for us. Just having one video session help our family so much in so many ways. He responses are on point and we value it greatly. I can’t thank her enough for all she has continued to do to strengthen our family. I would recommend her to the world that’s how amazing she is.”
Frequently asked questions (FAQ’s)
How do you deal with a grown son who disrespects you?
Dealing with a disrespectful grown son or adult child is challenging from a parents’ perspective. It can take a physical and mental toll on your life as a parent, a wife, or a husband. Young adults do not always grow up to their parents’ expectations of their adult children’s lives, and it can hurt their relationship a great deal; it can also cause broken relationships and even mental illness within your family.
If your grown son or adult child has no respect for you or your relationship, and you feel that they give you so much hate, have hurt you, and treat you horribly despite you being a good parent, you have every right to cut ties with your own children - even if you have an only child. Yes, as parents, no one likes to hurt and give up on their kids, but sometimes when you feel that respect is no longer there, you have to use tough love with kids and other family members. In life, your feelings and all the emotions as parents, as a wife, and as a husband deserve respect and are just as important as a child’s feelings.
One thing that you should take into consideration and in your perspective as parents are if there are mental health issues or abusive alcoholic tendencies in the past within your family that could cause emotional abuse and make your children turn against you and your relationship. Your adult son, adult daughter, adult child, even your husband, or any of your family members may very well have a mental health condition or have been using substances in the past or at present that caused them to hurt you and be disrespectful to the point of engaging in emotional abuse.
While you cannot tell a grown child or adult child what to do with his or her own life and change their perspective, you can set rules for how you should be treated with respect by any of your family members - be it your own mother, own son, your younger daughter, your youngest son, husband, or ex-husband, or even your daughter-in-law.
How do you let go of a child who is resentful toward you?
If you feel that your child hates you, wants to hurt you, is adamant about ruining your life and your relationship, and does not respect your relationship with your husband or wife, you could be in an emotionally abusive situation. A family who oppresses each other in life and does not feel the need to respect each other is just as bad as strangers and adults who do mean things and hurt other people; however, it hurts more when emotional abuse takes place in your family life, especially for the parents.
Suppose your growing child creates turbulence within your family life or maybe verbally abused you, shows no respect to other family members, and hurt you in the past. In that case, you need to consider letting go of their toxic energy and emotional abuse. You should also check if your adult child, regardless if they are the oldest child, middle, or youngest child, or a younger daughter or son, has an undiagnosed mental illness. While it can be hard to think that you are a bad mother or a bad parent, as well as think of your child’s feelings and emotions, sometimes it is best for everyone involved. You cannot do anything anymore as parents but leave a door open for when they realize their mistakes and pray that God bless them and protect them always.
Why do children abandon their parents?
Children hurt and abandon their parents for a variety of reasons, not just the child’s feelings and all the emotions involved in the past and at present. Kids and young people often want to feel and https://www.hbogoasia.ph/test the waters and see the perspective of what life is like outside of the control of family and parents’ rules and older adults. As young adults, your child wants to express their independence by taking responsibility for their life, especially if it’s the oldest child among your kids. While this is perfectly normal, completely abandoning their parents is a lack of respect and it is something entirely different.
As a parent, you need to determine if there are mental health issues involved with your child - even for adults. If you feel or discover that medical conditions are causing the family separation, it can be very challenging to get your child back under your roof or into your life and just forget the past.
If you have lost contact with your child entirely, it can be hard to track them down or reconnect until they are ready to reunite. Sometimes, the best thing to do is to just leave the door open for when they come back and let go of all the hurt they’ve been through.
What are potential sources of disrespect in children?
Young people are not always respectful individuals. They are still learning how to maneuver through all the emotions in the world and how they connect to a child’s feelings, and sometimes they hurt their family and friends. As adults, however, there is no excuse for disrespect. An adult child must know how to handle their own behavior despite going past all the emotions they feel in life and respect for parents should not be lost.
Sometimes you have to accept that mental illness and health issues in life are to blame, even for adults; maybe your middle child, or maybe your oldest child has a mood disorder that has gone undiagnosed from the past until they grow up to be adults.
Other times, people and adults can be mean. They can hurt and do not feel the need to show respect to others. Perhaps their family and friends have not been the best influences in the past, hurt, and verbally abused them too, and they chose a negative path in adulthood. The abuse and hurt they experienced in the past matter to who they become as adults and as parents.
Why is lying a sign of disrespect?
Lying, especially to adults, to your husband, to your wife, and even to your friends is one sign of disrespect. People who start to lie at a young age in life often struggle to move past with truth-telling, the same way as they get older as adults, especially if they have a mood disorder. While every child lies to their friends and family as they are growing up, pathological lying or lying out of disrespect is not the same situation as this. When respect is lost between a mother and a child, it can feel easier to lie and abuse the relationship.
How do I fix my broken relationship with my son?
If you want to fix your broken relationship with your son and go back to the good life, you need to stay strong and keep your door open for a new perspective; reuniting is often a bumpy road to deal with, but a worthy effort if you commit to it and accept it.
If your broken relationship substantially hurt your family life, counseling for adults may be an excellent option to repair the relationship and go back to the same situation in the past before your relationship had problems.
Personal experiences with adults by family counselors in the past show that if people are willing to attend counseling, there is a good chance that a healthy family relationship can resume at some point in the future and forget the hurt. On the other hand, if one of the family members refuses to deal with the issue and thinks it’s wrong to go to counseling, the family life may always have some level of strain.
How long does parent/child estrangement last?
There is no simple answer to this question. Parent/child estrangement can last for weeks or years even if they are coming from a close relationship or a great relationship. It all depends on what caused the situation in the first place and what efforts either side of the equation is willing to make and accept. While it is challenging to deal with and be in the same situation, there is no rule book for family tension, emotional abuse, hurt, and estrangement of parents and child especially for adults; it may go on indefinitely regardless if you are a good mother, a good parent, or generally a good person. This does not necessarily mean that one is a bad mother, daughter, or person for that matter - and just that something bad happened between you that you had to deal with.
If you, as parents and adults, are willing to reach out and try to repair the relationship, do not be surprised if your child is still hurt and not in the same place to accept it or in the same situation at the moment. Hopefully, in time, you can both come to a better agreement or deal than not speaking altogether.
How often should a son call his mother?
You have to accept and deal with the fact that every family is different, even with the same situation in life. While mothers often want their kids to call them, not everyone enjoys the same way of communicating over the phone or phone calls, in general, especially kids who have grown up in a life with texting capabilities. It is far easier and faster to text someone “Hi, how are you?” than to call; however, you may disagree and enjoy a verbal conversation.
If you have not heard from or seen your son since earlier this year, it may be worth calling them just to check in for a moment about their life and see how they are doing. Perhaps work life is hectic, or they are dealing with another responsibility at the moment, or maybe issues within their family unit.
While pressuring your son to call you more often might seem natural and not a big deal, perhaps trying to come up with a “guide” for when he will call you may be more receptive to him. Perhaps one Sunday a month he can call or at least on holidays or special occasions if your son lives too far away to travel often.
How do I repair a relationship with my adult son?
Why do sons pull away from their mothers?
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