Connecting With Your Step-Child: A Guide To Step-Parenting

Stepparenting can be an incredibly enriching, rewarding experience. Navigating your new role can also be a unique challenge. Moreover, you may be thrown into the parenting role of children of various ages because you haven't been a parent since birth. That means certain behaviors and expectations have already been established before you take a role in parenting the child.

What is your role as a stepparent? If you're like most new stepparents, you're probably not entirely sure where you fit into your stepchild's life. Maybe you have wondered if you're even supposed to be like a parent to them. There are many faces to step-parenting, and what works for one family may not work for another. This post will discuss the stepparent's role and some common challenges they may face. 

The roles of step-parents 

Knowing and defining your role as a stepparent is an essential step in becoming part of a family with your partner and your stepchildren. All family constituents must know and understand your role for the family to coexist peacefully. How you best establish your role depends largely on the input from your spouse, your personality and parenting style, and the ages of the children whose family you are joining.

Younger children are often more flexible about changes and more willing to accept a new adult in a parental role. You may want to include them in discussions with older children where you can communicate about your role according to their expectations and behavior. Be sure to listen to and acknowledge any fears or worries the children have about these changes.

Unless you and your spouse have decided otherwise, the children should acknowledge you as an authority figure. Many families choose for stepparents to have a less direct role in disciplining the stepkids. Still, other families work well with the stepparent as an equal disciplinarian. 

The level of emotional closeness between children and their stepparents can also vary. Some kids need time to bond emotionally with a stepparent. They may feel that forging a close relationship with the stepparent is a betrayal of the other biological parent. Some kids resent the stepparent for what they perceive as an imposition between the parent and child. Others can harbor resentment because they’re angry at the parent for remarrying. 

The stepparents' role is not as a replacement for the other parent or as a barrier within the family but as an additional ally and supporter of the child.

The challenges of step-parenting

As a stepparent, you should expect challenges, but they may differ significantly from what you expect or what other types of parents face. There are many “moving parts” to a family, creating a wide variety of issues between family members about how a stepparent fits in and the unique relationships they’ll establish within. 

Slow bonding

With many parent-and-child relationships, bonding occurs fairly quickly. When you enter a family as a stepparent, you are already strongly bonded with your spouse, the children's other parent.  Since you are close to them, you may expect the children to accept you immediately, but this isn't always the case. You have likely spent more time developing a relationship with their parent(s), and you will also need to spend time developing individual relationships with them.

Cooperating with your spouse's ex

You most likely knew going in that you would need to cooperate with your spouse on parenting roles. You may not have anticipated that you'll also need to learn to cooperate with your spouse's ex, the children's other parent. If both parents have a say in decisions about their children's upbringing, you must communicate with them or accept their choices.

Being told you're not a real parent

It's not uncommon for a stepchild to try to take away your authority, or even hurt your feelings, by telling you that you're not their real mom or dad. When that happens, stay calm. Explain your role in their family and that you are a part of it.

Not seeing you as an authority figure

Some stepchildren, especially school-aged children, see their new parent as competition or an enemy rather than an authority figure or support person. You may be tempted to get even stricter to gain their respect, but this usually backfires and creates more conflict. Instead, develop a caring relationship before slowly stepping into an authority figure and disciplinarian role when needed.

Establishing discipline 

Most stepparents find disciplining stepchildren the most challenging aspect of the relationship. As mentioned, stepchildren are not likely to see you as an authority figure initially. If you have children, remember how your relationship with them progressed.

Did you discipline them from birth? Most likely, you didn't. This is because the first year of life with your new child is about establishing a bond. It's the same with stepchildren. They are not infants, but you should prioritize establishing a bond before doling out discipline.

This does not mean you should let the children walk all over you. After all, if they can follow the rules at school and accept a teacher as both a support person and authority, they can do that for you. But remember that you’ll have to work on being both. You can't only dole out discipline, or you’ll unlikely establish trust with your stepchildren.

Acknowledging your spouse’s step-parenting challenges 

Remember that this situation may be difficult for your spouse, as well. They want to keep close bonds with you and their children at a time when you and their children may be experiencing a lot of tension with each other. It may sometimes feel like your spouse is choosing sides, and it may be the children's side. There are many potential reasons for this, including they may feel guilty about imposing these changes on their children's lives.

Remember to have empathy for your spouse during this time. Talk to them about how you can best help with transforming family roles. The two of you may have different parenting ideas to work out and compromise on. In a disagreement, the stepparent should often defer the original parent's strategies to raise stepchildren.

Step-parenting every other weekend

Forming a bond with your stepchildren is even more difficult when you only see them occasionally. Experts say that becoming a fully bonded family can take up to ten years in many stepfamilies. If your spouse's children live with their other parent, you can expect the bonding process to take longer.

Stepparenting, when your time with the children is sparse, differs from living with them full-time. When you and your spouse get limited time with the children, the focus should be on spending time together and bonding. Children who live with you part-time should have certain chores, routines, and responsibilities that make them feel like a part of your household when they are with you, but discipline from you should be kept to a minimum at first when necessary. 

It would help to consider how your partner feels about only seeing their children every other weekend. They may feel like they need to cram everything they can into that weekend, spending every moment with the kids. If this is your scenario, you should support your spouse in planning weekend activities for the kids and be there to share in the fun when appropriate. 

Parenting multiple sets of kids

Forming a blended family can make the situation even more challenging. If you and your partner each have children from previous relationships, you may struggle with stepparenting in various ways. Sometimes split custody creates a split schedule, with each set of kids on their own parental schedule. This can make it extremely difficult to feel like everyone is getting a fair amount of attention, sometimes giving rise to feelings of guilt. 

When there are multiple sets of children, it's not always the parent-and-child relationship that needs adjustment. It's also the relationships between the kids. Some families are lucky to have stepsiblings who get along well from the start. However, in other families, the children may never fully like or get comfortable with each other, and steps will need to be taken to mitigate their relationship.

An online therapist can help you resolve step-parenting challenges

Platforms like  Regain connect families with licensed, accredited counselors with ample experience working with families on interpersonal issues and more. With online therapy, you can speak to a counselor from home at a time when you can assemble conveniently via text, online chat, video chat, and phone. Online therapy is often as affordable as traditional therapy without insurance coverage, and a growing body of research suggests it’s as effective, too. 

For example, a 2021 study published in the National Library of Medicine measured multiple outcomes for telehealth-based family therapy and found that “the collective evidence suggests equivalent efficacy for relational and mental health outcomes from telehealth relative to face-to-face delivery.” Also noted was that “family counseling intervention delivered via TH (videoconferencing) with parent–teenager dyads led to significant reductions in the severity and frequency of family problems to post-intervention. Improvements were maintained at 6-month follow-up.”

If you’re ready to begin the journey to a harmonious relationship with your stepkids and form solid and cohesive bonds in the family unit, speak to a Regain counselor for help. 

Below are some reviews of Regain counselors for you to review from people experiencing similar issues.

Therapist reviews

Wayne is a great listener and a great decoder (he understands both of us with ease, which takes great skill, considering how different my husband and I are). Wayne also speaks humbly and leads therapy graciously, to name just a few. I highly recommend him."

Takeaway

Building a strong bond with any child can take time, and that’s often especially true for stepparent-stepchild relationships. Spending time with the child, getting to know them, letting them get to know you, and doing different activities to build positive memories and trust are fundamental to healthy bonding. 

Additionally, try placing yourself in your stepchild’s shoes to understand their outlooks and behaviors better. Try to understand them. Ask them questions about themselves, but don’t pry too hard. They may not open up to you immediately, but when they do – be present, listen, and offer a shoulder or helping hand if needed. Truly, being there for and with them can make all the difference over time.

All of this sounds simple, but the relationships between stepparents and stepkids are usually anything but. Many families choose to speak to a certified family counselor to help navigate the challenges of the changing household. If you’re not sure whether family therapy is for you, whether it’s because of a busy schedule, affordability, or other barriers, consider online therapy as an effective solution.