Connecting With Your Step-Child: A Guide To Step-Parenting
Stepparenting can be an incredibly enriching, rewarding experience. Navigating your new role can also be a unique challenge. Moreover, you may be thrown into the parenting role of children of various ages because you haven't been a parent since birth. That means certain behaviors and expectations have already been established before you take a role in parenting the child.
What is your role as a stepparent? If you're like most new stepparents, you're probably not entirely sure where you fit into your stepchild's life. Maybe you have wondered if you're even supposed to be like a parent to them. There are many faces to step-parenting, and what works for one family may not work for another. This post will discuss the stepparent's role and some common challenges they may face.
The roles of stepparents
Knowing and defining your role as a stepparent is an essential step in becoming part of a family with your partner and your stepchildren. All family constituents must know and understand your role for the family to coexist peacefully. How you best establish your role depends largely on the input from your spouse, your personality and parenting style, and the ages of the children whose family you are joining.
Younger children are often more flexible about changes and more willing to accept a new adult in a parental role. You may want to include them in discussions with older children where you can communicate about your role according to their expectations and behavior. Be sure to listen to and acknowledge any fears or worries the children have about these changes.
Unless you and your spouse have decided otherwise, the children should acknowledge you as an authority figure. Many families choose for stepparents to have a less direct role in disciplining the step kids. Still, other families work well with the stepparent as an equal disciplinarian.
The level of emotional closeness between children and their stepparents can also vary. Some kids need time to bond emotionally with a stepparent. They may feel that forging a close relationship with the stepparent is a betrayal of the other biological parent. Some kids resent the stepparent for what they perceive as an imposition between the parent and child. Others can harbor resentment because they’re angry at the parent for remarrying.
The stepparents' role is not as a replacement for the other parent or as a barrier within the family but as an additional ally and supporter of the child.
The challenges of stepparenting
As a stepparent, you should expect challenges, but they may differ significantly from what you expect or what other types of parents face. There are many “moving parts” to a family, creating a wide variety of issues between family members about how a stepparent fits in and the unique relationships they’ll establish within.
Slow bonding
With many parent-and-child relationships, bonding occurs fairly quickly. When you enter a family as a stepparent, you are already strongly bonded with your spouse, the children's other parent. Since you are close to them, you may expect the children to accept you immediately, but this isn't always the case. You have likely spent more time developing a relationship with their parent(s), and you will also need to spend time developing individual relationships with them.
Cooperating with your spouse's ex
You most likely knew going in that you would need to cooperate with your spouse on parenting roles. You may not have anticipated that you'll also need to learn to cooperate with your spouse's ex, the children's other parent. If both parents have a say in decisions about their children's upbringing, you must communicate with them or accept their choices.
Being told you're not a real parent
It's not uncommon for a stepchild to try to take away your authority, or even hurt your feelings, by telling you that you're not their real mom or dad. When that happens, stay calm. Explain your role in their family and that you are a part of it.
Not seeing you as an authority figure
Some stepchildren, especially school-aged children, see their new parent as competition or an enemy rather than an authority figure or support person. You may be tempted to get even stricter to gain their respect, but this usually backfires and creates more conflict. Instead, develop a caring relationship before slowly stepping into an authority figure and disciplinarian role when needed.
Establishing discipline
Most stepparents find disciplining stepchildren the most challenging aspect of the relationship. As mentioned, stepchildren are not likely to see you as an authority figure initially. If you have children, remember how your relationship with them progressed.
Did you discipline them from birth? Most likely, you didn't. This is because the first year of life with your new child is about establishing a bond. It's the same with stepchildren. They are not infants, but you should prioritize establishing a bond before doling out discipline.
This does not mean you should let the children walk all over you. After all, if they can follow the rules at school and accept a teacher as both a support person and authority, they can do that for you. But remember that you’ll have to work on being both. You can't only dole out discipline, or you’ll unlikely establish trust with your stepchildren.
Acknowledging your spouse’s step-parenting challenges
Remember that this situation may be difficult for your spouse, as well. They want to keep close bonds with you and their children at a time when you and their children may be experiencing a lot of tension with each other. It may sometimes feel like your spouse is choosing sides, and it may be the children's side. There are many potential reasons for this, including they may feel guilty about imposing these changes on their children's lives.
Remember to have empathy for your spouse during this time. Talk to them about how you can best help with transforming family roles. The two of you may have different parenting ideas to work out and compromise on. In a disagreement, the stepparent should often defer the original parent's strategies to raise stepchildren.
Step-parenting every other weekend
Forming a bond with your stepchildren is even more difficult when you only see them occasionally. Experts say that becoming a fully bonded family can take up to ten years in many stepfamilies. If your spouse's children live with their other parent, you can expect the bonding process to take longer.
Stepparenting, when your time with the children is sparse, differs from living with them full-time. When you and your spouse get limited time with the children, the focus should be on spending time together and bonding. Children who live with you part-time should have certain chores, routines, and responsibilities that make them feel like a part of your household when they are with you, but discipline from you should be kept to a minimum at first when necessary.
It would help to consider how your partner feels about only seeing their children every other weekend. They may feel like they need to cram everything they can into that weekend, spending every moment with the kids. If this is your scenario, you should support your spouse in planning weekend activities for the kids and be there to share in the fun when appropriate.
Parenting multiple sets of kids
Forming a blended family can make the situation even more challenging. If you and your partner each have children from previous relationships, you may struggle with stepparenting in various ways. Sometimes split custody creates a split schedule, with each set of kids on their own parental schedule. This can make it extremely difficult to feel like everyone is getting a fair amount of attention, sometimes giving rise to feelings of guilt.
When there are multiple sets of children, it's not always the parent-and-child relationship that needs adjustment. It's also the relationships between the kids. Some families are lucky to have stepsiblings who get along well from the start. However, in other families, the children may never fully like or get comfortable with each other, and steps will need to be taken to mitigate their relationship.
An online therapist can help you resolve step-parenting challenges
Platforms like Regain connect families with licensed, accredited counselors with ample experience working with families on interpersonal issues and more. With online therapy, you can speak to a counselor from home at a time when you can assemble conveniently via text, online chat, video chat, and phone. Online therapy is often as affordable as traditional therapy without insurance coverage, and a growing body of research suggests it’s as effective, too.
For example, a 2021 study published in the National Library of Medicine measured multiple outcomes for telehealth-based family therapy and found that “the collective evidence suggests equivalent efficacy for relational and mental health outcomes from telehealth relative to face-to-face delivery.” Also noted was that “family counseling intervention delivered via TH (videoconferencing) with parent–teenager dyads led to significant reductions in the severity and frequency of family problems to post-intervention. Improvements were maintained at 6-month follow-up.”
If you’re ready to begin the journey to a harmonious relationship with your step kids and form solid and cohesive bonds in the family unit, speak to a Regain counselor for help.
Below are some reviews of Regain counselors for you to review from people experiencing similar issues.
Therapist reviews
Wayne is a great listener and a great decoder (he understands both of us with ease, which takes great skill, considering how different my husband and I are). Wayne also speaks humbly and leads therapy graciously, to name just a few. I highly recommend him."
Takeaway
Building a strong bond with any child can take time, and that’s often especially true for stepparent-stepchild relationships. Spending time with the child, getting to know them, letting them get to know you, and doing different activities to build positive memories and trust are fundamental to healthy bonding.
Additionally, try placing yourself in your stepchild’s shoes to understand their outlooks and behaviors better. Try to understand them. Ask them questions about themselves, but don’t pry too hard. They may not open up to you immediately, but when they do – be present, listen, and offer a shoulder or helping hand if needed. Truly, being there for and with them can make all the difference over time.
All of this sounds simple, but the relationships between stepparents and step kids are usually anything but. Many families choose to speak to a certified family counselor to help navigate the challenges of the changing household. If you’re not sure whether family therapy is for you, whether it’s because of a busy schedule, affordability, or other barriers, consider online therapy as an effective solution.
Why is step-parenting so hard?
Being a step-parent, particularly a new step-parent, is difficult because you haven’t built a relationship over time with your new stepchildren like your partner, biological parent, etc. You’re a new person in the dynamic, and the child may not regard you as a “real” parent. You don’t yet have a strong bond with them like their biological parents might, or the stepchildren may feel jealous of you and as though you’re taking away or replacing their mother or father in their lives.
For you, the step-parent, the entire dynamic is new to you, and you may sometimes feel overwhelmed. It takes time to figure out how to integrate yourself healthily into an existing familial structure and how to create a positive connection in your stepchildren’s lives. This can be particularly difficult if the child’s parents recently split up. You have unresolved issues to sort out in your new family.
Step-parenting can be emotionally challenging and sometimes can make you feel overwhelmed. Trying to find the balance between being a good partner and a good step-parent can be a difficult thing. So, don’t forget to incorporate self-care into your daily routine. If the emotional challenges of step-parenting are affecting your mental health, and you feel you need someone to talk to, seek support from your husband or wife, family, or friends. You can also join support groups and learn from people who have their own experience with step-parenting. Others’ journeys on how they balance marriage and step-parenting can offer insights into your own experience. In addition, you can also seek professional help through therapy where you can express your emotions without fear of judgment.
How do you navigate a marriage with step-children?
Navigating a new marriage can be challenging, especially when step-children are involved. However, finding the balance between marriage and step-parenting is not impossible. It’s important that you foster and maintain an open dialogue with your spouse/partner about your relationship with your stepchildren and if you’re feeling things aren’t going well. They can offer support, a listening ear, or might have some valuable insights into their biological children and your role as a step-parent. Additionally, you mustn’t put pressure on the stepchild(ren) or lash out at them if you’re feeling hurt, left out, or not liked. Give things time, give yourself grace, and give the child(ren) grace as well.
However, it’s also important to set clear boundaries for yourself and discuss these with your partner and stepchild or stepchildren. To be a good step-parent, do your best to let go of negative things, and treat each day as a new day with new opportunities, a blank slate for you, your partner/spouse, and your stepchild or stepchildren. Step-parents often struggle with feeling as though they are truly a parent, but your role as a step-parent can be just as valuable as your partner’s role in the children’s lives. Communicate a lot about your parenting styles, and try not to judge your husband/wife if you see things differently– rather, both of you try to act as an empathetic and active listener, a sort of sounding board for your partner and vice-versa. Learning each other’s parenting styles and how you both handle difficult and good times will be paramount in establishing a healthy relationship with each other and your stepchildren.
One study found that the parent-child and step-parent-stepchild relationship to be directly correlated. That is, if a child has a healthy and positive relationship with their mother, for example, they are more likely to have a similarly healthy and positive relationship with their step-father, as well. Therefore, it’s important for you both, as step-parent and parent, to help support one another in achieving and maintaining a healthy relationship between step-parents, parents, and kids. Having a positive relationship with stepchildren in your new family will help your spouse or partner have a positive relationship with them and vice-versa.
What do you do if you don't get along with your step-child?
First and foremost, even if you never wanted kids or didn’t like your stepchild, you should still treat them with care, compassion, and respect – even if you’re not necessarily getting that in return. Modeling those behaviors to your step-kids, even in tough times, is an exceptionally important stepparenting role in your blended family. You can also try finding at least one or two qualities of your stepchild that you do like, and focus on those. For example, perhaps your stepchild is creative, and you really admire their ability to see and create things in such a unique way. Remind yourself of this when you feel you’re having a hard time liking your stepchild, and be sure to tell them that’s something you really value and admire about them. Doing so may help turn the tides a bit and hopefully help create a positive relationship!
At some point, your stepchild may display unhealthy behaviors, such as lashing out, manipulating you, treating you poorly, and so on. You should calmly address these behaviors. Practice patience. Ask them why they think they act this way and what they’re feeling. As a step-dad or step-mom, try not to let hurt cloud you – instead, listen and sit with the information for a while. They may not be your own children, but just knowing that you’re there to listen may help improve your stepchild’s attitude toward you and vice-versa. If the timing feels alright, you can take this moment to calmly and openly set clear boundaries or rules. These aren’t just for your own boundaries – help your stepchild figure out if they have any boundaries, and if those are feasible to enforce, then try to do so. For example, perhaps your stepchild or the two boys in the blended family would like half an hour to themselves in the morning, and not getting that has resulted in some resentment. Helping them realize this need, setting the boundary, and adhering to it can help them feel more respected and heard by you and help them start their day off on a more positive note.
Should a step-parent discipline a step-child?
This depends on the familial dynamic, but you are still a parent as a stepparent, even a new step-parent. As step-parents, not enforcing any discipline long-term can result in the stepchild not respecting you or your boundaries. Your relationship with stepchildren in your blended family should be based on a healthy mixture of kindness, respect, and compassion and clear and healthy boundaries, and, when needed, discipline. Respect should go both ways. If you feel that your stepchild regularly disrespects you or your partner/spouse by, say, calling you crude names, then some form of discipline will likely be needed to clarify that this isn’t acceptable.
There should be a balance between support and discipline. However, regarding the aspect that involved discipline, it would help if you were not the primary discipliner, as this is likely to result in resentment and hard feelings not only with your stepchild but perhaps with your partner/spouse, as well. Patricia Papernow, a family psychologist, says that stepparents should focus more on “connection versus correction,” allowing the biological parent to focus more on disciplining their own children while you, as the step-parent, work on building a bond and relationship. Over time, healthy discipline, such as positive reinforcement, will be possible if needed. To be a good step-parent, concentrate more on reinforcing positive behaviors instead of punishing undesirable ones, as this will help build up positive reinforcement and trust and, over time, should help mitigate bad behaviors naturally.
How do step-parents build bonds with their step-children?
Building a strong bond with any child in your new family can take time, and that’s often especially true for stepparent-stepchild relationships. Whether they’re your own children, stepchildren, or even just a friend’s child, building a bond with them, particularly a strong one, will not happen immediately. For the most part, it requires patience. Spending time with the child, getting to know them, letting them get to know you, and doing different activities to build positive memories and trust are key in healthy bonding. Additionally, look past your own hurt and try to place yourself in your stepchild’s shoes to understand their outlooks and behaviors better. A good step-parent tries to understand them. Ask them questions about themselves, but don’t pry too hard. Truly, just being there for them and with them can make all of the difference over time. They may not open up to you immediately, but when they do – be present, listen, and offer a shoulder or helping hand if they need it.
At some point, the challenges of step-parenting can feel stressful. If you feel that you’re still struggling with building a healthy relationship and bond with your stepchild, you can seek support. You can talk to your husband/wife, family members, or friends. You can also contact a certified stepfamily coach, like those offered through ReGain. Additionally, the National Stepfamily Resource Center is available for help anytime.
Questions to ask your therapist about step-parenting
What are the qualities of a nurturing step-father?
How can I navigate being a step-father?
Navigating a relationship can be hard, especially if you’re a step-dad who wants to create a relationship with the children. As a husband, you want your marriage with your new wife or partner to work. As a father figure in the blended family, you don’t want to be a bad person to your stepchildren. Having patience and understanding can help you create a good scenario in your new family life.
Here are some of the few steps you can do to become a good step-parent in your new family life:
- Show empathy: Children may be feeling a range of emotions towards a new family dynamic, including fear of the unknown. Also, showing empathy for yourself and your partner in your marriage can make a difference.
- Create a connection: Besides having a strong relationship with your wife or partner, create a connection and happy memories with your stepchildren. Be fully present in your stepchildren’s lives. You may not be their biological father or dad, but being present can make them feel acceptance and a sense of belonging.
- Establish rules and boundaries with respect and clarity: You and your wife or partner must agree with your established house rules. Clear communication is important in creating a balance between authority and friendship. To avoid making the child feel confused, make sure that you communicate your rules with your stepchildren with respect. They can also be involved in conversations whenever appropriate.
- Practice patience and understanding: As a father figure in your blended family, it can be helpful if you let your stepchildren feel that you are patient with them and that you understand that they are also adjusting to the changes in their lives. Regardless if you have one, two children, or more, step-parenting is not about perfection; it’s about patience, being involved in the kid’s progress, and love.
- Do not forget to balance marriage and step-parenting. Maintaining the quality of marriage can have a positive impact on your blended family.
- Don’t hesitate to seek support, especially if your mental health is involved: As a husband and stepfather, you may feel overwhelmed or inadequate at some point. Talk to your partner/wife, family, or friends. Becoming an “instant dad” can sometimes feel challenging. No matter the situation, step-parents should not forget to take care of their mental health. Considering therapy can also be a good idea.
What are the five roles of a step-father?
How does having a step-parent affect a child?
Raising kids in a blended family can present several challenges to a step-mom or step-dad. Having step-parents can affect the lives of kids differently. The age and the developmental stage of the child can be a factor in how they react to the remarriage of their biological parents. According to Medicinenet.com, children under the age of ten tend to accept the step-dad or step-mom faster than those who are in the age range 10-14.
The relationship with step-parents can also lead kids to feel loyalty conflicts. Loyalty conflicts can happen if children are torn between loyalty to their biological parents and their new relationship with their step-parents. The stepchild’s struggle with loyalty conflicts may lead to stress within the house and the family dynamic. As step-parents, you cannot rush a relationship with the children, especially since your presence in the family is new to their lives. Among the practical steps that step-parents can take for loyalty conflicts are patience and understanding. You can also give children the idea that it is not your intention to replace their biological parent in their lives.
Step-parenting can also have an impact on the child’s mental health. Parents who raised kids in a blended family need information and resources to support and help children process the changes in their own home and their lives. Therapy may support the child to adapt to a new family dynamic and manage emotional and relational challenges in their lives. For parents and step-parents who want to create a relationship with the kids, you can also seek support through therapy.
How can step-parents bond with their step-children?
Step-parenting can be emotionally challenging, especially if the kids resist changes and you have no idea how to create a connection. As step-parents, you might feel frustrated when your new family does not function as you expect it to. Kids need to adjust to the new family dynamic. No matter how difficult the kids are at first, with understanding and patience, you can create a close relationship with the kids. Examples of practical steps to create a bond with your step-kids are:
- Create routines in your new family dynamic that will help develop closeness with the kids.
- Incorporate weekly habits in your step-family such as outings at the beach or weekend family nights to create bonds with step-kids.
- Make mealtime an opportunity to communicate with the kids.
Step-parents should not rush things no matter what age the kids are in your new family. No matter how much effort you exert to create a perfect new family, accept that the relationship with the kids will not happen overnight. Further, remove expectations. Allow the relationship with the kids to develop naturally.
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