What Is Tiger Parenting And How Do I Cope With It?

‘Tiger parenting’ is a term for a strict, controlling style of parenting. It compares a parent who is demanding and prioritizes a child’s achievement over virtually everything else to a tiger—a stealthy and ruthless jungle-dwelling feline. The style of parenting tends to have more critics than advocates among the public and researchers. 

Where did tiger parenting originate?

The term ‘tiger mother’ was coined and made popular by Yale law professor and daughter of Chinese immigrants, Amy Chua, in her 2011 memoir Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. Chua depicts and advocates for the image of strict, authoritarian, controlling parents whose overwhelming priority is to ensure their children’s success and top achievement. The term ‘tiger parenting’ has since become widely used by the general public and academic literature.

In her book, Chua explores how her upbringing influenced her own parenting choices. Chua promotes the same style of parenting that her parents used while raising her—structured, highly involved, demanding, and focused on children reaching the parents’ definition of success and achievement. 

Since Chua’s book is primarily a memoir, her parenting theories and ideas are based on personal experience, not a scientific study. Additionally, public opinion largely condemns Chua’s controversial views as too authoritarian and high-pressure.

However, her book had its advocates, too. Chua justified her parenting style by pointing to her two daughters’ academic and musical excellence. Sophia, the oldest, was a piano prodigy who played in Carnegie Hall at age 14. Lulu, her younger daughter, is described as an accomplished and gifted violinist.

What does tiger parenting look like?

According to the American Psychological Association, tiger parenting may be a highly controlling and demanding parenting style, but it differs in ways from a strictly authoritarian style. A tiger parenting style may include what is often considered negative parenting, but it also includes what is considered some positive parenting attributes, such as encouragement and support. 

Tiger parents may also teach their children that they can learn and achieve with practice and hard work. They emphasize that they are strong and can succeed, which are widely considered traits of positive parenting. In some cases, tiger parents may be seen as selfless, dedicating themselves to their children’s success out of concern and love.

Based on Chua’s depictions in her book, in a family with a tiger parent, the following may apply:

• Children are generally expected to excel academically—high “A” grades are what is considered acceptable. Tiger parents may issue remedial, negative consequences if the children don’t meet their parents’ goals.

• Children are not often allowed playdates or sleepovers as free time is typically designated for practice or preparation for achievement (such as studying or rehearsals).

• Tiger parents likely choose their children’s extracurricular activities according to what they think is in the child’s best interest. Children are generally expected to practice extracurricular activities for a long period every day, even on vacations. (Chua claims to have arranged for her daughter to practice her musical instrument in hotel lobby bars and basement storage rooms while on the family’s international travels.)

• Tiger parents typically expect their children to perform at the highest level, from a young age, at the very top of their school, team, or group in everything they do. Anything less may be considered unacceptable.

• Tiger parents tend to enforce the highest standards of their children, even in their spontaneous pursuits. (Chua, for example, recounts how she gave back a handmade birthday card to her daughter because it did not meet the mother’s standards.)

• Tiger parents may openly use berating and shaming techniques. These are considered motivational methods to push children towards excellence. In one of many provocative passages from her memoir, Chua criticizes what she refers to as the “Western” way of tiptoeing around issues. She writes, “Chinese parents can do things that would seem unimaginable - even legally actionable - to Westerners. Chinese mothers can say to their daughters, ‘Hey fatty - lose some weight.’” 

Chua explains her opinion that Chinese parents assume strength in their children, not fragility. She also theorizes that Chinese parents are not concerned about their children’s psyches as “Western” parents are. According to Chua, the deliberate care not to hurt or offend a child is ineffective, as Western parents’ children “still end up in therapy for eating disorders and negative self-image.”

Criticism against Chua’s book

While Amy Chua is credited with coining a new term and sparking controversy regarding parenting styles, many of her books weren’t positively received. Elizabeth Colbert, Pulitzer winner and staff writer for the New Yorker, said in a 2011 article that Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother exhibits a lack of interest in critical thinking and probably only has value as an allegory. The book’s title is inspired by Chua’s Chinese zodiac sign, the Tiger. The author describes herself as “powerful, authoritative, and magnetic,” alleged qualities of those born under this sign.

Colbert went on to say, “(The book) is breezily written, at times entertaining, and devoid of anything approaching introspection. Imagine your most self-congratulatory friend holding court for two hours about her kids’ triumphs. You’ve more or less got the narrative.” 

According to Colbert, the only thing that keeps the book together is the author’s apparent optimism that “whatever happened to her or her daughters is interesting just because it happened to happen to them.”

According to the American Psychological Association research, tiger parenting isn’t common among Chinese-American parents, nor is it a formula for raising high-achieving child prodigies. Su Yeong Kim, Ph.D., conducted a study that tracked the effect of parenting styles on children of over 400 Asian American families over eight years. Based on her findings, she categorized parenting styles into four groups. She classified them using a system with four negative parenting traits and four positive parenting traits.

• Supportive parents (45%) scored high on all four positive traits, including warmth and more supportive disciplinary measures. These parents also scored low on negative parenting techniques, such as berating and humiliating their children to motivate them.

• Tiger parents (28%) scored high on all eight traits, both positive and negative.

• Easygoing parents (20%) scored low on all eight traits.

• Harsh (7%) Parents scored low on the positive traits and high on all negative traits.

According to Kim’s study, supportive parenting was associated with children’s best developmental outcomes and the highest academic performance at school. Children of supportive parents were also socially and emotionally more well-adjusted and had stronger ties to their families.

Easygoing parents’ children showed better developmental outcomes than the children of tiger parents, and children with harsh parenting styles showed the worst developmental outcomes.

The research showed that tiger parenting left many children feeling depressed, alienated from their parents, and feeling excessive pressure to perform academically. According to Kim, tiger parenting is not as effective as Chua would indicate.

What are the best supportive parenting strategies?

The American Psychology Association states that children of parents who have an authoritative (sometimes termed supportive) parenting style (not to be confused with an authoritarian style) may have the best outcomes in areas such as friendliness, self-reliance, self-control, being an achievement-oriented, curiosity, cooperation, and being energetic and cheerful. The following behaviors are characteristics of authoritative parenting, which is also considered supportive parenting:

• Being warm and caring with children

• Using explanation and reasoning when disciplining

• Setting firm, reasonable expectations for children

• Allowing children appropriate independence while still monitoring their whereabouts and activities

• Limiting shouting or yelling at children

• Not shaming children by comparing them with other children or through name-calling

• Listening to children’s viewpoints (but not necessarily accepting them)

What if your parents were or are tigers?

Research demonstrates that Chua’s tiger parenting style is on the decline among Chinese parents, not only in America. The result may be prevalence of a warmer, more supportive parenting style in general. However, what if your parents were “tiger parents” or very authoritarian?

 for children. Depression and low self-esteem maybe some of the effects of authoritarian parenting on children. Other effects can be anxiety, difficulty socializing, displaying aggressive behavior outside of the home, and difficulty accepting failure.

If you are experiencing these or any mental health concerns, counseling or therapy can be helpful. An online option for therapy may be a positive solution for you. Regain is a website specializing in relationship-related concerns. It provides a safe space for receiving help and support from licensed mental health professionals.

Through online therapy platforms like Regain, users can attend sessions with their therapist from any location with a secure internet connection. Additionally, they can book appointments at times that work for their schedules. 

Many people have experienced positive outcomes from seeking online therapy for parenting assistance or making peace with the ways in which they were raised by their parents. In one study, researchers sought to evaluate the effectiveness of an online therapeutic intervention in assisting parents with various skills. Results showed that the online treatment was effective in increasing parents’ psychological flexibility, emotional regulation, coping skills, and overall mood.

Takeaway

Regardless if you’re a new parent trying to figure out the best way to raise your child, or an experienced parent who realizes that there are better ways of parenting, online therapy can be a safe space to work through different challenges, role play exemplary responses, and come to terms with negative experiences from one’s own upbringing. When you’re ready, you can turn to a compassionate, experienced online therapist from Regain to help you be the best parent you can be.