When To Meet The Parents: Taking Your Relationship To The Next Level

No matter what age you and your partner are, meeting their parents for the first time is a huge step in your relationship. You might see it as awkward and stressful, but it's a positive experience when you approach it in the right way.

Meeting the parents

Meeting your partner's parents is a great way to learn more about them, what they were like before you met them, and how they became the person you now care so deeply about.

Your partner's parents can also be an essential social resource later in your relationship.

When you're going to meet your partner's parents, it can be all too easy to feel like the four of you are the only ones in the room. That's not bad when you meet them, but don't forget that this is a universal experience.

If you're unsure how to move forward, consider reaching out to other people who have undergone the experience before, like friends and family - maybe even your own parents.

When is the right time?

So, when is the right time to meet each other's parents? That depends on several factors.

How close are you to your parents?

If your parents are a significant part of your life, it makes sense that your partner should meet them sooner than later.

However, not all of us are close to our parents. If your parents aren't a major part of your life, rushing your partner into meeting them doesn't make sense. You don't need to put it off either; just let it happen when it happens.

If your relationship with your parents is complicated, you should wait until your relationship with your partner is strong enough to support each other through the experience.

How important is it to you and your partner?

Another element that can help you decide when it's time to meet the parents is how much it matters to you and your partner.

Some couples, especially those older, may not feel like their parents are important to their relationship, and that's okay. However, you may want to reconsider this position, but we'll talk about that more in a moment.

However, some couples - or one partner in the relationship - may think that meetings with the parents are essential. Part of this may be how they were raised, how they see families and relationships, and how far ahead they're thinking.

If one of you thinks meeting the parents is essential, you should talk about it. Sometimes there's a reason that one partner doesn't want parents involved, and that's something that you should take into consideration. Like most decisions you'll make in your relationship when meeting the parents, you should both be comfortable with and agree upon.

How involved will your parents be?

As mentioned above, parents can be an essential part of a relationship, particularly if you and your partner are younger and rely on your parents for many things.

However, even fully-grown people can use their parents as an important resource, especially as the relationship develops. You and your partner may rely on your parents for advice, watching children, or potentially even financial aid. If this isn't the case for you and your partner because your parents aren't close or you don't have a close relationship, this aspect may not apply as much to you. However, if you think you might rely on your parents for support, it's good to get them involved in the relationship sooner for many reasons.

For one thing, your parents won't appreciate it if you don't bring them into the relationship until you need something.

More importantly, it will be easier for your parents to help you understand how your relationship works. If you want them to help you with things like watching the kids, it's likely to go better if they know how you and your partner approach child-raising. If you want to ask them for advice, their input will be more valuable if they understand your relationships' strengths and weaknesses. If you want them to be there if you and your partner need financial support, they will be more able to help you if they understand your financial needs and situation. You get the idea.

Obstacles and solutions

Of course, meeting the parents wouldn't be so awkward if it was just getting support. So, what makes meeting the parents so stressful, and what can you do about it?

Reliance

One thing that makes meeting the parents stressful is admitting that you may need support in the first place. This is harder for some people than it is for others, but it is also more necessary for some couples than it is for others.

Once again, even if you and your partner are younger, you may still be very reliant on your parents, if in very different ways. Even if you're older, your parents can be an excellent resource for things like letting you borrow a car when yours is in the shop, watching the kids, cosigning loans, etc.

If admitting that you need help or might need help one day is hard for you and your partner, it's probably more due to your own insecurity. Life is hard, and it's okay to ask for help occasionally. Your parents probably understand this, and you should, too.

If you and your partner are older and financially self-sufficient, this should not be a problem.

Boundaries

Determining boundaries is one of the most awkward parts of bringing the parents into the relationship. You and your partner probably have already done this in many aspects of your lives, and the prospect of doing it again can be exhausting. There's also a different power dynamic in establishing boundaries between you and your partner and your parents.

Once again, this power dynamic can be very different based on your age. If you and your partner are younger, your parents may decide how involved they will be - not you. This can also be the case for older couples but on the opposite end of the spectrum - when the parents decide they don't want to be involved.

On the other hand, some parents want to be more involved in the relationship than you would like.

Establishing boundaries isn't something you need to do in the first conversation. It may be a process that takes shape over many years, and that's okay. Things that take time are likely to be more stable. The most important thing is that you respect each other’s position as you determine where you want the boundaries to be.

Life situations

There can be other obstacles to bringing the parents into the relationship, like distance. If one or more of your parents live far away, bringing them into the relationship may be difficult, at least in person. You may need to wait until you and your partner can afford to travel or bring them out to meet you. Of course, telecommunications technology makes it easy to maintain meaningful relationships over long distances.

Further, as mentioned above, some people really value bringing parents into the relationship. However, not all of us have two parents or a good relationship with our parents. If this is the case for you or your partner, you can still fulfill this aspect of your relationship by bringing in a "proxy parent" like a godparent, grandparent, or another formative figure. This can mean a great deal to the relationship and the individual or individuals you choose to serve this purpose.

Fear

Perhaps the most significant obstacle to bringing parents into your relationship is the fear that they won't approve of your partner or your relationship. For most of us, this is unlikely. However, some of us have real reasons to think parents might disapprove of our relationships for many reasons.

Sometimes, we want to pursue relationships with obvious: hazards. Just because a relationship doesn't seem perfect doesn't mean it might not work out. However, if you think your parents won't approve of your relationship because of a potential problem, you should examine your relationship more closely before involving them. You might even want to wait until your relationship is stronger.

Sometimes we choose lifestyles that we know our parents won't approve of, which is challenging to deal with because it can go poorly very quickly. It might be best to wait until you no longer rely on your parents. It can be difficult to accept, but if your parents disapprove of your relationship because of their biases, it might be best not to include them.

Finding help

If you think the time to meet the parents is approaching and you don't know how to handle it, this can strain your relationship. It might help to talk to someone, even a professional.

Relationship counselors can meet with either partner or both to help resolve their issues or help both partners through this complex and confusing time. You can even meet with relationship counselors online more conveniently and affordably than meeting with relationship counselors in person.

With online counseling, you don’t have to worry about commuting to an office or being on a waiting list. When you sign up, you will be matched with a qualified, vetted professional who can start helping you right away. You and your partner can attend sessions from anywhere you have an internet connection, and you can communicate with your therapist via text, email, phone call, or video chat. Research shows that couples in online therapy feel they are able to connect with their therapist and that most found the experience positive and beneficial. If you’re ready to take the next step, sign up with Regain to get started.

Takeaway

When it comes time to meet the parents, one of the essential things is not to let either partner make too little of it. Our life experiences are complex, and knowing what others have been through can be challenging. If you and your partner go through it together and get the support you need, you will be fine.