How To Practice Radical Acceptance
Practicing radical acceptance is a skill that you develop by exposing yourself to important events in your life that you have had a hard time accepting. The temptation to avoid your source of conflict is understandable; everybody has different coping mechanisms. However, radical acceptance can potentially help you understand how you felt during that specific moment and what you can do going forward. In this article, we define radical acceptance and introduce methods that help you learn how to practice radical acceptance in the face of difficult life circumstances.
What is "practicing radical acceptance"
The term radical acceptance has its origins in dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), a form of therapy founded by Marsha Linehan, professor emeritus at University of Washington, to help patients managing borderline personality disorder. The core teaching of radical acceptance is to practice an unconditional acceptance of thoughts, circumstances, and emotions that are out of your control. It means choosing to accept the present and past exactly as it comes, no matter how difficult or unfair it may seem to you.
When you radically accept your current circumstances, you take the time to recognize the situation, no matter how painful it may be, and observe the experience without judgement. Despite the term “acceptance”, to practice this approach to life’s difficult moments does not mean to blindly accept what happens to you. Rather, you learn to identify that something bad is happening to you as opposed to denying it exists or fighting the pain.
What should you radically accept?
Refusing to accept reality can be likened to the defense mechanism denial, when unpleasant feelings, thoughts, or events are excluded or ignored from conscious awareness. Temporary denial (right after an incident) is a normal part of grieving and acceptance. Still, if you never make it past denial into acceptance, you may cause yourself a lot of pain.
As opposed to suppressing these negative experiences, radical acceptance gives you the space to accept what is happening (or has happened) and allows you to acknowledge and honor the pain it causes you. Once you reach this place, you may find you are better able to cope with negative life events as they arise and improve your perspective on the positive aspects of your life.
Here are some areas in which you can try to practice radical acceptance:
The past
To practice acceptance does not mean you approve of painful things that have happened to you. Instead, you are accepting with your entire being that you cannot change the past nor is it in your control to do so. Again, it means understanding that everything that has happened is gone from your control.
You may have heard it many times but take this saying to heart. The past is in the past. Acknowledge the pain in caused you and accept you and remind yourself you had no control.
Radical acceptance helps you to accept the things that have happened to you without having to forgive, forget, or agree with any of them.
The present
When you think about the practice of refusing to accept reality, you may think it refers to the past and future, but this mentality can be most stunting in the present. There are things in everyone’s life that cannot be changed or can only be changed at a great loss to yourself.
The present is an interesting area of radical acceptance because it is important to accept things as they are, whether it is the unfair reality of something that happened that may have impacted your life drastically or the store's minor inconvenience being out of milk.
While it is okay to try and change things that you can – like exercising to lose weight or drinking more water keep yourself hydrated– it can greatly improve your mental health to be able to accept the things in your life as they are to reduce trauma and disappointment if they cannot be changed.
If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.
The future
Acceptance is about accepting things that already affect your life, but also about accepting the things that will inevitably affect your life. So, to practice radical acceptance regarding the future, you must recognize and accept reality and its limitations.
Limitations vary from person to person and can be seen when viewed realistically. Coming to terms with your future's reality and accepting your limits can help motivate you to excel in all possible areas.
The basics of practicing radical acceptance
Practicing acceptance is a skill that comes with time and needs to be implemented slowly. However, the idea of radical acceptance is not complicated. Here are some of the basic skills and steps that may help you learn this resilience-building practice:
Accepting what is
Accepting things as they already are and making the conscious choice not to fight a situation's reality is the first step of learning radical acceptance. Practicing acceptance does not mean being okay with everything in your life but understanding that denying the reality of these things will not change it.
Identifying things beyond your control
Stop and think about what is happening in your life. Can you realistically change the situation or person that is causing you irritation, pain, or discomfort? If you cannot, you may conclude that there is no logical reason to exhausting your energy and emotions toward that situation anymore. Instead, put your energy into the things you can change and building relationships with those you love.
Appreciating the feeling of fear
Understanding the biology of fear is important for recognizing how fear benefits us. When you become aware and curious of fear, you may be able to recognize specifically from where the fear stems and find a way to make it stop.
For example, do you feel fearful while standing on the top floor of a tall building? Analyzing fear may help you to realize the source of your fear is the idea of falling. Then you can assess the situation – you are safe, there are windows in place, the area is peaceful and under control – and you may find that the fear dissipates.
Loving yourself
A healthy approach to your life is to give yourself love and compassion any chance you have. We will be with us for the rest of our lives, so we should treat ourselves like a loved one or close friend. Forgive yourself for mistakes and choose to learn from them. Allow yourself time for grieving and compassion to help move toward acceptance. It is often said that “nobody is harder on you than you.” People can indeed be hard on themselves, but the reality is that we should be kind to ourselves. If you find love and compassion for yourself, you can rest easy knowing that you will always be loved.
How to learn radical acceptance from a professional
Radical acceptance is taught as a part of dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) – a type of cognitive behavioral talk therapy that was originally designed to help people diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD). The central tenet of DBT is integrating both acceptance and change to improve one’s ability to function and attain mental health. For example, a therapist may approach their client in total acceptance of who they are while working closely with them to change in ways that help them reach treatment goals. So, not only will a therapist in DBT help you work through acceptance and change, but they are also themselves practicing radical acceptance as you work together.
Remember that radical acceptance is only one part of dialectical behavior therapy. Though learning to practice acceptance is a large step in this therapy, a few techniques involve self-love and self-awareness that can also be crucial to healing. Throughout your sessions with a DBT therapist, you will be guided in finding the balance between acceptance of self and a personal commitment to changes that benefit your mental health and general well-being.
Radically accepting the past, present, and future is a learned skill that can be achieved with patience, an openness to learn, and the help of a talented, educated counselor. Finding a therapist who can help you learn these DBT strategies is an important step in learning radical acceptance and overcoming your past pain and the limitations and difficulties of your present and future.
Finding a therapist specializing in this therapy field is a great way to learn radical acceptance and help you in life. If you prefer to learn about radical acceptance in your own home, you can try finding a talk therapist online. Research has shown that online delivery of dialectical behavioral therapy is just as effective as in-person therapy in reducing symptoms, with the added benefits of increased accessibility and extended platforms of communication (for example, secure messaging). Regain offers a large selection of therapists who can teach you about radical acceptance and how you can implement the techniques mentioned in this article into your own life. It might seem impossible in moments of duress to get to a place where you can accept life but learning to accept the pain of reality is possible.
Takeaway
Loving yourself unconditionally and using that compassion to fuel the learning of radical acceptance is not always easy. However, learning to practice acceptance is often referred to as one of the most life-changing skills someone can learn. Radical acceptance requires an open mind and patience as you take small steps towards accepting things as they come. One of the best ways to ensure your journey is fruitful is by using the advice and wisdom of a licensed, educated therapist. With the help of a professional, you can learn not only to practice radical acceptance but how to enjoy the journey of life, despite its obstacles and challenges.
Frequently asked questions (FAQs)
Does research support radical acceptance?
Most research into radical acceptance, no matter which angle they take, tends to come back with impressive results on the practice's positive effects on the studies' patients. For example, a recent research study on found that people living with PTSD experienced significant improvements following the implementation of radical acceptance during therapy. In fact, as the patients improved their acceptance skills, their complicated feelings these individuals held of shame, guilt, disgust, distress, and fear decreased in direct correlation. It seems that accepting what happened to them and learning that they can accept without necessarily forgiving was heavily therapeutic.
Other research looked at radical acceptance and how learning this technique helped other aspects of life. It found that those who practice radical acceptance were able to more easily grasp other conceptual strategies such as “validation, reciprocal communication style, and environmental intervention, which are used in balance with the change strategies of problem-solving, irreverent communication style, and consultation.”
What are other DBT strategies besides radical acceptance?
Two examples of DBT strategies that help those learning radical acceptance and transformative change are “Willing Hands” and “Half Smile.” These skills are learned to help build a person’s tolerance against stress and are part of a DBT module known as “Distress Tolerance”. Both techniques can help you increase your self-awareness of what happens in your body when you experience stress while teaching you to be more effective in your response.
The practice of Willing Hands teaches you to relax while sitting so that all your muscles in your arms are at ease. The idea is to open up your body posture. You then turn up your palms while on your lap and focus on your body's micromovements to recognize where you are harboring stress. This posture and state of relaxation sends a message to your brain that you are safe and is the opposite of a defensive stance.
Half-Smile is the practice of smiling similar to Mona Lisa’s smile painted by Leonardo Da Vinci. With Half-smile, you relax the muscles in your face completely, then slightly upturn the corners of your lips. Like the Willing Hand movement, you can pinpoint areas of stress and accumulated tension.
Learning to read your body and stress levels in such a way is a key part of learning self-care and appreciation, which is the basis of radical acceptance and self-love.
Who coined the term radical acceptance?
Marsha Linehan, professor emeritus from the University of Washington, coined the term radical acceptance from her experience at a Buddhist monastery. Radical acceptance requires you to let go of wanting a particular job or desire and focus on the present moment.
Dr. Linehan says that practicing radical acceptance involves living in the present moment and accepting your situation. Practicing radical acceptance is a skill that can be learned through hard work. The result of this practice means that you can accept your present moment for what it is instead of what it could have been.
Lastly, radical acceptance means radically accepting that you want what you don’t have, and it’s not a catastrophe. By understanding your desires, you can work on making the most out of your present moment. Radical acceptance rests on letting go of what you want. You do not have to change things immediately. Work to not think of the past or future. Rather, understand where you are right now and what you can do to help you achieve the goals you do not have accomplished yet.
What is reality acceptance?
Reality acceptance is embracing your life at this moment. The opposite of reality acceptance would be to reject reality and avoid the events and emotions that have negatively affected your life. You may feel stuck in a cycle of negative emotions because of rejecting reality. However, you can escape from this cycle by learning that acceptance means recognizing when things are out of your control. Your following radical acceptance rests on working at your own pace to move on.
Once you have identified parts that you cannot change, acceptance means recognizing what is in your control. Reality acceptance is a skill that helps you learn that you can turn around any situation by changing your response to any event. You cannot control how other people’s responses, but you can dictate how you feel about a certain event.
Lastly, radical acceptance does not mean that you are giving up. Radical acceptance requires that you accept the facts of reality to find ways to improve your situation. People who practice acceptance know that the success of radical acceptance rests on letting go of the things that they wished happened in a past event. By acknowledging that it is okay not to have what they want, people can practice radical acceptance and improve their lives.
What is turning the mind in dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT)?
Turning the mind in dialectical behavioral therapy is a thought experiment that can help people practice radical acceptance. Here is how it works.
Imagine that you are facing a fork in the middle of the road. You now must turn your mind to either the acceptance or rejecting road. To practice this thought experiment, try the following steps:
1. Observe
Look inwards and see if you are not accepting your present. Emotions such as anger, annoyance, and avoiding feelings may determine that a part of you wants to reject reality.
2. Decide
After understanding your emotions, choose to accept your reality, no matter how badly you want to reject it.
3. Commit
Stick to your choice by reaffirming to yourself over and over that reality is set in stone. Mind radical acceptance is a skill that is cultivated through repeatedly assuring yourself that you are making the right choice.
4. Plan
Keep in mind when you face this fork in the road again. By learning how you feel right now, you can help yourself in the future by making a resolve right now that you will accept reality for what it is.
What are some distress tolerance skills?
Distress tolerance skills help people practice acceptance by providing healthy coping mechanisms when they do not know how to feel about their present situation. These skills are also referred to as “crisis survival skills” since they help a person navigate an emotional and intense crisis successfully. The skills include the following:
- Self-soothing techniques
- STOP skill
- To stop yourself from making choices you may otherwise regret
- Radical/Reality acceptance
How do you teach radical acceptance?
You can practice acceptance by accepting reality for what it is and moving on from any emotions causing you mental anguish. Many people would like to change the past; however, time is always marching forward. Hence, you can learn to move on by accepting reality, recognize your emotions, and make a plan that can help you improve your mental health for future situations that may make you want to reject reality.
How do you practice radical self-acceptance?
Practicing radical acceptance is a skill that you develop by exposing yourself to important events in your life that you have had a hard time accepting. The temptation to avoid your source of conflict is understandable; everybody has different coping mechanisms. However, radical acceptance can potentially help you understand how you felt during that specific moment and what you can do going forward. Here are a few steps that you can follow when practicing radical acceptance:
Think back to a significant event
There may have been an emotional part of your life that you have not accepted or moved one from. These moments could be school bullying, personal issues, or anything else that troubled you deeply. Choose any moment that you want to think about from a new perspective and take your time. If you feel any moments are too personal for your liking, you do not have to put yourself in an uncomfortable situation in thinking about them. Radical acceptance involves taking your time.
Think about how the event came to pass
Now that you have chosen a particular event, think about what happened that led to the question. Only state the facts and not your personal judgments. By only focusing on the facts, you can understand how it happened and, most importantly, what you feel about it.
Accept your feelings
When you are thinking about how the event happened, what are you feeling right now? Radical acceptance requires accepting your present moment. So, in the present, do you feel shame, guilt, or anger? No matter what kind of feeling it is, understand that you are in the right for experiencing that emotion. Accept your feelings. You can’t change the past, but you can most certainly change how you behave moving forward.
Plan your next steps
Now that you have thought about the past event and come to terms with your feelings, you could now think about how you want to move forward. If the situation is still ongoing, then you can try to practice acceptance by understanding how you feel now and what you can do in the future to improve your mental health.
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