I Have An Overbearing Mother. What Do I Do?
If you have a controlling or overbearing mother, you may find your relationship challenging at times. Perhaps your mother intrudes on your life, tries to control your decisions or path in life, or you feel constant criticism. For some individuals, an overbearing mother may exhibit toxic traits that can have adverse implications on their life and well-being. These can, but certainly don’t have to, include behaviors such as manipulation, gaslighting, heavy criticism, controlling behaviors, emotional outbursts when you try to input boundaries, and so forth.
So, how do you deal with an overbearing parent? Other cases of having an overbearing mother or parent can be much milder; every situation is unique, but nonetheless, this article can serve as a useful guide to helping you learn how to healthily navigate and cope with your relationship with a helicopter parent.
What is an overbearing mother
The word “overbearing” may mean different things to different individuals. However, for many, an overbearing mother or parent is one who controls, or tries to control, many or most aspect of their child's life, continuously criticizes them, and may seem dissatisfied with anything their child or children do, particularly if it doesn’t adhere to what they (the parent) wants. This type of parenting is often referred to as "helicopter parenting.”
This may cause the child to feel angry, overwhelmed, or frustrated by the overbearing parent, causing them to rebel or push their domineering parent away. The effects from an overbearing mother or parent can last well into adulthood and affect an individual’s future relationships. They may have difficulties expressing their feelings, asserting themselves, recognizing and adhering to their own healthy boundaries, or making decisions on their own. Parents who tend to control everything their child does, including decision making, may make it more difficult for their children to make independent decisions as they get older.
Individuals with an overbearing parent may be more likely to experience anxiety and develop co-dependent relationships as adults than those children who were given more freedom by their parents. In more extreme cases, parent-child enmeshment can occur. While young children often rely on their parents for many things, including guidance, it’s important that as they grow, they learn to develop the ability to take on challenges by themselves.
Helicopter parenting, or overbearing parenting, can ultimately stunt an individual’s emotional growth and maturity.
What you can do if you have an overbearing mother or parent
While having an overbearing mother can be challenging, there are ways to manage this parenting style and potentially improve your relationship.
Set boundaries
If you have an overbearing mother or parent, it may be beneficial to set healthy boundaries with them and stick to them. This may make your relationship more agreeable in the future. It may be helpful to be clear about what you need from them, as well as what you don’t. You may want to try to be assertive while setting these boundaries. By setting healthy boundaries you practice self-care and self-respect and make it clear what your limits are.
Open communication
Having open communication with an overbearing parent can be a very effective way to manage your relationship with them and improve it. You may want to discuss how you feel and identify the behaviors that cross your boundaries. Hopefully, that will make your toxic mother or father correct their actions. However, it’s important to not use accusatory language as this may potentially worsen things and instead, focus on how you feel.
For example, if your mother has a habit of offering alternatives when you try to discuss your goals and plans with her, you could try saying, “I care a great deal about these goals, and I could really use your support in reaching them. My mind will not change; this is what I want. I would like your support in getting there; if that’s not something you feel you can do, I understand and will no longer discuss them with you.” This could feel a bit harsh to some; certainly, alter the discussion based on your circumstances, relationship, and what you feel is most appropriate based on both.
If you can communicate openly, honestly, and with mutual respect, you may be able to overcome your concerns together. It's also important to practice active listening when communicating so you can try to understand them as well.
Some overbearing parents may not be receptive to communication that doesn’t go as they wish. In these cases, be sure to clearly identify and communicate your boundaries, and stick with them. This can be quite difficult depending on the parent-child relationship and the circumstances, but not identifying or sticking with these boundaries will only serve to enable the continuation of an unhealthy, overbearing relationship. In extreme situations, estrangement can occur. This isn’t necessarily bad and could be necessary for the adult child to foster their own independence and recognition of healthy boundaries. This is most often a last resort after attempting to repair the relationship in other ways.
Develop healthy coping mechanisms
Having healthy ways to cope from an overbearing parent may be extremely helpful at finding peace and emotional comfort when things get difficult. Every individual is different and may find certain coping mechanisms suit them better than others. Some healthy coping mechanisms to try to include:
- Journaling - Journaling can be a great way to express your feelings, identify your emotions, and improve your mental health.
- Exercising - Running, yoga, or simply going for a walk are effective ways to get the blood flowing and boost endorphins which improve your mood.
- Talking to a friend - Having a healthy support system of people you trust that you can turn to or even relate is important. Sometimes an outside perspective may be helpful.
Seek support
If you’re having a difficult time with an overbearing mother or parent, seeking outside support from a professional therapist may be very beneficial. You can choose to seek support individually or even attend sessions together. It may be challenging to convince them to visit a therapist with you, but the rewards can outweigh the risks. Encouraging them to go to counseling with you may be incredibly helpful, even if she only agrees to go to “help you out.” She may not initially want to talk about her parenting issues, but they may likely come up with the guidance of a trained therapist. Be prepared for the process to be potentially difficult for both of you.
However, with an online platform like Regain, counseling for you and an overbearing parent has never been easier or more convenient. Regain is an online therapy platform specializing in relationship and family issues that can offer professional therapy all from the comfort of your own home. A licensed therapist can provide you with tools and guidance to overcome any challenges you may be facing with an overbearing parent. They may be able to help you develop strategies to improve your communication and set healthy boundaries. Reach out today to begin your journey to a better relationship with your parent.
Online therapy
Having an overbearing parent can affect your mental health. Online therapy has been found to be overall just as effective for treating concerns such as anxiety, relationship issues, trauma, depression, PTSD, and many others. Another study conducted by the University of Zurich found that those dealing with anxiety and depression experience greater benefit from online therapy over the medium and long term than those utilizing in-person therapy.
If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.
Working with a therapist can help you to determine whether or not your relationship with your parent is one that is unhealthy or overbearing, and how to proceed either way. Continue reading below for reviews of some of Regain’s therapists from people seeking help with similar issues with either improving their relationship with their parent(s), or being better parents themselves.
Regain therapist reviews
“Tim is incredible. My mother and I completed several sessions with him. We communicated more productively with his assistance and were able to continue our relationship from a better place after being estranged for several months. I cannot thank you enough, Tim. You are a special person and anyone would be lucky to have you as a guide.”
https://www.regain.us/timothy-klopfenstein/
“Hannah has helped my fiancé and I in many ways. she show us how to understand each other’s needs/wants and how to achieve these things so that we are both happy. We continue to work with Hannah to help each other in all aspects of our life, including being better parents.”
https://www.regain.us/hannah-bradley/
Takeaway
Sometimes, it can be difficult to navigate parent-child relationships, particularly when both parties are adults and the “child” is working on finding their own independence and way in life. It can be tempting for parents to become overbearing, sometimes as a means of trying to their children but sometimes for less healthy or altruistic reasons. However, with proper communication, support, and, if needed, therapy, it is possible to achieve a healthy and balanced parent-child relationship.
Frequently asked questions (FAQs)
How do you stop an overbearing mother?
As an adult, the best thing to do with an overbearing mother or overbearing parent is to set boundaries for yourself and stick to them. Children of overbearing mothers or parents may not be able to control what their parents do, but they can control how they react to the behaviors and set firm boundaries. Healthy communication may also be helpful to express your concerns to an overbearing mother.
What is a toxic mom?
Parents are only human and have flaws just as all humans do, and many child/parent relationships may seem complicated. A toxic mom can take various forms depending on the relationship and the individual. Toxic parenting can have many negative effects on a child or individual. However, there are various traits that may occur in a toxic parent.
- Exhibits self-centered behavior putting themselves first before their children
- Use physical, emotional, or verbal abuse as a means to control their child. It’s important to note that abuse is never okay. If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, it’s important to seek help right away. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is completely and available for support 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. They can be reached toll free by calling 800.799.SAFE (7233).
How do you deal with an overbearing mother as an adult?
The best way to handle an overbearing mother as an adult is to set firm boundaries and be assertive and clear. When managing a relationship with an overbearing mother, this can often mean sticking to boundaries even when the overbearing mother doesn’t respect them. If this happens, reinstate your boundary calmly and firmly, and don’t budge or give in. At times it may be helpful to take some distance and space if you need to, and don’t be afraid to turn to your support system if applicable. This could be a friend, a partner, a therapist, or someone else. Even as an adult, those who have faced overbearing parenting or have an overbearing parent can find it difficult to set boundaries without feeling guilty. Therapy can help you heal from overbearing parenting, set boundaries firmly, and give you the tools to work through any feelings of guilt you may have.
How does an overbearing mother affect herSon
Many children of overbearing mothers or overbearing parents experience difficulties with independence and individuality. Children of overbearing mothers may also face:
- Trouble with decision-making
- Difficulty in interpersonal relationships
- Difficulty at work or school
- Difficulty adapting to adulthood
- Difficulty trusting oneself
- Low self-esteem or feeling as though they aren’t good enough
Why is my mom so controlling?
There are several reasons why a person might exhibit controlling behavior. Here are some of them:
- They have low self-esteem.
- They feel out of control themselves.
- They fear abandonment.
- They feel that they know best.
- They’re anxious.
- They are projecting their own unresolved issues onto their child(ren).
The reasoning behind controlling behavior doesn’t mean that it isn’t harmful, or that it’s ok. Trying to control someone else is never alright. If you are experiencing controlling behavior, therapy or counseling may be able to help.
What are the signs of a controlling mother?
Controlling behavior and overbearing parenting often go together. Here are some possible signs of a controlling mother:
- Getting overly involved in decision making, relationships, and other life aspects.
- Consistent invasion of your.
- Shaming or guilting you when you do not do what she wants you to do.
- Being critical of any choices you make on your own.
- Dissatisfaction with anything that displays your individuality or autonomy.
Overbearing parenting can contribute to several different possible concerns in adulthood. Those who had controlling parents engaged in overbearing parenting may feel as though they can’t make their own decisions, can’t trust themselves, as though their individuality is “wrong” or "bad,” and so on. Therapy can be incredibly helpful for adults who underwent overbearing parenting as children.
How do you deal with an overly controlling mother?
Is a controlling mother a narcissist?
What does an overbearing parent look like?
How do you set boundaries with overbearing mother?
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