“My Boyfriend Ignores Me”: Addressing Emotional Neglect In A Relationship

It can be painful when someone we care about ignores us, especially if we don’t know why. There are many reasons why someone close to us would ignore us, ranging from the banal to the abusive. Regardless of the reasons, if your boyfriend ignores you, discussing it is usually the first step to addressing the problem. In this post, we’ll discuss the possible reasons your boyfriend may be ignoring you and outline things you can do to open the lines of communication and move forward healthily.

“My boyfriend ignores me”: Potential reasons for emotional neglect

Even if his behavior is for harmless reasons, you won’t know for sure until you address it with him. Understanding why your boyfriend is ignoring you is the first step in determining the best way to approach him.

He’s feeling hurt

Partners sometimes distance themselves verbally and emotionally when they are experiencing hurt. If your boyfriend ignores you, he may feel resentful and angry and doesn’t want to talk to you under those terms. Or he may be hurt and unsure how to put his thoughts and feelings into words. If you suspect this is the case, a gentle conversation about his emotional state may be helpful. Approaching him warmly and accepting his feelings is likely the best way to get the conversation going. 

He's preoccupied with something else 

During times of stress, some people “clam up” and choose not to communicate with others. If your boyfriend isn’t speaking to you, and you know you’ve done nothing to merit the silence, you may ask him if something is going on at work or with family, friends, etc., that may be weighing on his mind. As with other important conversations, listen actively as he confides in you and offer advice if asked. 

He isn’t comfortable discussing his feelings

For societal and familiar reasons, some people don’t feel it’s appropriate to discuss their feelings and emotions with others, even if they’re positive. Some may experience feelings of shame or difficulty when opening up to others. This might be true more often for men than women, but it can be a problem for anyone. If your boyfriend tends to be the “strong silent type,” there may be nothing wrong with you or your relationship; he may just think he can’t or shouldn’t talk to you about his feelings.

While it’s difficult to “deprogram” deeply ingrained habits such as these, you can voice your feelings about them. If he’s willing, work with him to make him feel more comfortable confiding in you, and lead by example by divulging your feelings to him. 

In cases like these, speaking to a couple’s counselor or individual therapist is usually beneficial if you can persuade him. The first step towards resolving harmful belief distortions is to get help from a professional. 

He needs time alone

Some people need more time alone than others, so if your guy tends to retreat or takes a while to text back, he may simply function better without constant back-and-forth communication. This tends to be the case for people with introverted personalities who feel overwhelmed by too much interaction and prefer to retreat from others occasionally. 

If this is the case, it’s essential to address it calmly and respectfully. It probably isn’t prudent to attack or accuse him of ignoring you, but you should express your need for closeness. Perhaps work together to establish a rhythm of days and times you both have to spend with one another. When you honor that time set aside to spend with each other, it may put you at ease about whether your boyfriend ignores you for harmful reasons.

He avoids conflict 

Most humans don’t enjoy conflict and, as a result, avoid addressing it. If you’re unsure why your boyfriend is ignoring you, exploring the circumstances surrounding his behavior may be helpful. Think about the timing and any unresolved arguments that might play a role, even if they happened a long time ago. Or perhaps your behavior has made him unhappy or angry in the past, and you haven’t discussed it or taken steps to change it. 

Regardless of the reasons, avoiding conflict will likely only drive a wedge between you and create deeper problems. It’s a natural way to feel, but if he isn’t willing to communicate with you about his feelings, you can do little to resolve the conflict and move forward. Again, this situation is where a relationship counselor or individual counseling can be a tremendous help. 

He wants to break up

If things haven’t been going well in the relationship, and he’s reluctant to speak to you, he may have already decided you should break up but doesn’t know how to tell you. In such cases, understand that you don’t deserve to be left guessing. It’s incredibly hurtful, not to mention disrespectful, and he should have the courage to be honest with you gently so you may both successfully move on. 

If you approach him and he insists this isn’t the case, you may try giving him the benefit of the doubt if you’re comfortable with that. If not, let him know you want more and suggest that you explore the situation together to uncover why you feel the way you do. If he isn’t willing to help put you at ease or isn’t willing to talk to a professional about the situation, it may be time to consider a conversation about splitting up. 

He has an insecure attachment style 

John Bowlby’s theory of attachment styles describes how our attachment styles in infancy and childhood later shape those of our adult relationships. When children have a robust and healthy attachment to their caregivers, the suggestion is that they’ll establish the same sorts of attachments later in life in intimate relationships. 

The research suggests the opposite is also true, and children with a history of dysfunction in their relationships with caregivers may manifest certain behaviors that are harmful in adult relationships. Specifically, those with anxious-avoidant attachment styles may fear commitment and trust issues, resulting in difficulties with communication. People with this type of attachment style may also believe that their partner can’t fulfill their needs in the relationship.

These beliefs can cause your boyfriend to ignore you. However, it’s important to remember that people experience their attachment styles differently, and if he had a difficult childhood, it doesn’t necessarily mean that’s why he isn’t engaging with you. It’s probably unhelpful to speculate or determine that his attachment style is why he’s ignoring you- but it may be a good idea to bring it up with him if you feel comfortable doing so. While self-diagnosis isn’t recommended, talking about it may motivate him to seek help from a mental health professional to explore the possibility further. 

He’s stonewalling 

The term “stonewalling” is used in various contexts but often resembles the silent treatment regarding relationships. Stonewalling is when someone withholds communication from you, particularly during arguments or important conversations. Stonewalling is very different from a situation where he needs alone time or doesn’t realize that he’s doing it- it’s a manipulation tactic. 

If your boyfriend ignores you and is actively stonewalling you, it can have serious mental health consequences, and it is something that you need to have a conversation about. If he is not receptive to that conversation, particularly if he gets exceptionally defensive or angry, it may be time to consult a professional or part ways for the sake of your mental health. 

What should you do if your boyfriend ignores you?

Once you know why your boyfriend could be ignoring you, taking action is the next step. Action begins with approaching the subject and bringing his behavior to his attention. After that, you can do a few things to get your point across and resolve the issue. 

Express your needs

If this is a new boyfriend, it’s essential to tell him what you need upfront to set yourself up for success. Let him know that communication and emotional availability are vital to you. Get specific if you can, and discuss the importance of communication and responsiveness to you. Let him know that you respect his needs and autonomy, too.

Having this conversation with someone you’ve been with for a long time is also necessary. The relationship doesn’t have to be new for you both to express your needs, and both partners should feel comfortable communicating their needs when necessary. 

Establish trust and honor his space

After he commits to respecting your feelings and taking action to make you feel more safe in the relationship, honoring his space and doing your part to establish trust in the relationship is next. If you’ve worked through your feelings, let him know you’re ready to meet him halfway and accommodate his needs, too. This might mean giving him more space and having faith that everything is okay, even if he doesn’t call or text you back immediately. 

Make regular date nights

Regular” date nights” are a great way to reestablish communication and connection in your relationship. Spending time together of any kind can go a long way towards ensuring that both of your needs are met; it doesn’t need to be elaborate, and it doesn’t even necessarily need to be a date. You could decide on specific times to play a game together, or if you’re in a long-distance relationship, you can set aside time to video chat or talk on the phone.

Address emotional neglect with help from an online therapist

If your boyfriend ignores you and his behavior isn’t changing, even after communication about it, reaching out for support is another productive way to take action. Confide in a trusted friend, families, or support group. The most effective way to resolve the issue and cultivate a healthy connection with your boyfriend is to get help from a professional specializing in relationships. 

Counseling provides a platform for couples to express their needs and emotions healthily and uncover the potential source of any relationship difficulties. Traditional counseling is effective, but many find it difficult to attend sessions during the busy work week, especially if you must coordinate schedules to attend together. Some may feel uncomfortable visiting a therapist in person or encountering others in a waiting room due to societal or familial stigmas. Some people are reluctant to see a relationship counselor because they don’t think they can afford therapy or they don’t have a traditional therapist nearby. 

Platforms like Regain provide an effective solution to many of the barriers to treatment that people may experience. Through Regain, online therapists meet with clients via phone, text, video chat, or online messaging on their schedule from the comfort of home. Online therapy is often less expensive than traditional therapy without insurance, and studies indicate that it’s equally as effective for using a variety of methods for treatment as in-person therapy. 

For example, a 2017 National Institutes for Mental Health publication reviewed 373 articles on the effectiveness of internet cognitive behavioral therapy (iCBT) for treating a wide range of mental health issues that often lead to relationship difficulties. The publication reported that “ICBT is effective in the treatment and management of various psychiatric disorders such as depression, GAD and social anxiety, panic disorders, phobias, addiction and substance use disorders, adjustment disorder, bipolar disorder, and OCD.” 

If you are struggling with substance use, contact the SAMHSA National Helpline at (800) 662-4357 to receive support and resources. Support is available 24/7.

It also suggested that iCBT is “cost-effective, both for patients regarding consultation fees and also for the health care system regarding controlling the cost burden.”

Takeaway

If you’re ready to address the issues in your relationship that may be responsible for why your boyfriend ignores you, talking to a Regain therapist can help you get on the right track to a safe, successful partnership.