My Ex Keeps Texting Me: Should I Talk To My Ex?
You and your ex broke up a few months ago or more, but now they are texting you. Part of you wants to respond, but the other part of you remembers all the reasons you broke up. Does this sound familiar? If you are asking yourself, “Should I talk to my ex?” here are some suggestions on how to manage the situation.
Should I text my ex back?
"My ex texted me. Should I text him back?" While it is not seen as polite to ignore a text in many situations, you need to consider why your ex might be texting you and the reasons why you broke up in the first place. You should also remember your own wellbeing and boundaries; if texting them would somehow compromise either of these, then your answer is simple – don’t text them back.
If you have had a friendly relationship with your ex and continue to talk to your ex regularly, it is acceptable to text them back. Sometimes, people break up because they know they are not meant to be in a dating relationship and that they were better off as friends. In this situation, the texts probably aren’t much of a concern, as you may have a genuine platonic friendship.
However, the conversation should remain a conversation between friends if those are the boundaries you agreed on. If you end up in a position where your mutual friendly or platonic texting becomes more romantic or has sexual undertones, it could be time to reinstate a boundary or discontinue the friendship.
Another possible scenario might be that an ex you don’t talk to and aren’t friends with texts you out of the blue. Depending on how the relationship ended and what they say, you can choose how you respond. If they have a genuine question that doesn’t cross a boundary (for example, “Hey, do you happen to have my birth certificate?”), that’s one thing. If they want to get back together with you or reach out in anger, that’s something you would likely want to handle differently. It may constitute not responding to them or clearly communicating your boundaries, then no longer engaging with them if they keep it up.
What if my ex was abusive and started texting me?
When someone was physically, mentally, or sexually abusive, it is essential to get away and stay away. Should an ex who engaged in abusive behavior start texting you, it is recommended that you do not respond. When you’re in a situation like this and your ex starts texting you, it could be for a number of reasons. They might want to get back together with you, and this can be a dangerous or even manipulative situation, especially if you still have feelings. No matter how much they say they have changed and are sorry, the history is there, and you deserve peace and wholeness.
What if I have to stay in contact with an ex but they reach out too often?
While it is often preferred to block your ex and eradicate them from your life, there are some instances where blocking is not an option.
For instance, if you have a child together and your ex has visitation or scheduled time with your child, you will need to maintain some connection with them. You may wonder how to talk to your ex in this kind of situation. Keep in mind that connection is solely for the sake of your child. If any conversation requires more than one or two amicable texts back and forth to complete the discussion, there is a good chance your ex is trying to get back into your life. You can set a boundary, and they should respect it. That said, if they don’t, you have options.
Sometimes, in these situations, it is best to have a mediator set up a “child exchange” in a public place. This will help you to minimize contact with your ex and avoid having to engage in communications. The mediator can tell you or your ex if there are any issues the other needs to know about before your departure. Things like:
If your child is sick.
If there was a behavior issue.
If there is homework that needs to be done.
If a future meeting date or time needs to be adjusted.
What if my ex texts and I want to get back together?
If you never got over your ex and they start texting you that they miss you, you may want to take into consideration why you broke up in the first place.
Was someone unfaithful in the relationship?
Was there a dispute that neither of you could get past?
Did you not want children, but they did?
Did you want to get married, but they did not?
Was there outside tension that interfered with your relationship and made it hard to stay together?
There can be dozens of reasons as to why you separated in the first place. The big question that needs to be asked is can you come to a common-grounds decision where you will both be happy. Some couples break up and get back together. Counseling may help you work through any relevant matters to facilitate this in a way that makes you feel confident about the bond. However, your wellbeing matters, and it takes both people in the relationship to make it a healthy one. They have to be equally as dedicated.
Resuming communications via text may be your ex’s way of testing the waters. Perhaps, they miss the friendship you had that brought you together in the first place. Maybe, your ex wants you to miss them as much as they miss you. Your ex may want to see if you have already moved on and are in another relationship. Perhaps, the breakup was sudden or abrupt, and they’re looking for closure.
Whatever the reason, you need to decide where you want the relationship to go before engaging in any conversations. Then, you need to be straightforward with them and ask what their intentions are, set a boundary, or make another appropriate action given the unique circumstances of your relationship.
How do I not give mixed signals?
If your ex is texting and you have moved on, it’s best to be clear with them. It is okay to respond to a text from an ex occasionally, but you need to clarify that you are in a relationship with someone new and are happy (if you are, in fact, in a relationship and content). Alternatively, you could tell them that you are enjoying this time to discover yourself and don’t wish for that to change.
The last thing you want to do is lead your ex on and give them false hope. If they are trying to make amends and still have feelings for you but you have no desire to reunite, it might be best not to maintain communication, even over text.
Your ex is your ex for a reason, and you need to state how you feel and what you expect in the future. Here are some examples of how you could respond to a message from your ex, depending on the situation:
Example one
If your ex texts, “It was great seeing you yesterday. I forgot how much I missed your smile,” an appropriate response may be something like, “It was nice seeing you, too. I hope you’re doing well.” If they attempt to continue the conversation past that, you don’t have to reply. If you choose to reply, you can establish a boundary by letting them know that you do not want to text post-breakup, want to remain friends and nothing more, or anything else that applies best to your situation while clearly stating your needs.
Example two
Your ex texts you, “I heard our song on the radio and it made me think of all the great times we had together. I miss you.” If you’re not interested, this is a conversation that you likely want to shut down. If you have no desire to get back together, leading them on will not help anyone.
Perhaps respond with something like this: “Yes, that was a great song. However, we broke up for (x,y,z) reasons and I am not comfortable continuing this conversation.” While you are responding politely, you are also getting straight to the point.
Example Three: Your ex texts you, “I cannot stand being apart. Breaking up was the biggest mistake I ever made. I do not think I can live another day without you.” This type of text shows that your ex regrets breaking up with you. If you have moved on or don’t want to get back together, you cannot leave the door open for future interactions. It may be time for a firm statement like this: “I do not think it’s healthy for us to continue a friendship.”
Should I see a counselor after I break up with my ex?
Counseling can be extremely beneficial for those encountering concerns related to current or past relationships, navigating boundaries and communication with ex partners, and so on. A counselor or therapist can help you find solutions that apply to your unique circumstances and move forward in a way that feels healthy and empowering. In fact, a recent study of young adult women determined that cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) following a breakup help participants increase their self-esteem and helped them forgive their former partners.
The same study found that online therapy, such as through Regain, worked as well as in-person therapy for individuals following a breakup. The independent counselors on the Regain platform have the necessary skills to support you. If you think you could benefit from counseling or therapy, you can sign up for Regain today or search for a specialist in your area who can help.
Takeaway
Receiving texts from your ex can be confusing. If you aren’t interested in getting back together, it’s important to establish boundaries and let them know your feelings on the matter. If you are interested in trying to work things out, remember why you broke up and move forward cautiously. A relationship counselor through Regain can help you work through your feelings, improve your communication, and work through your relationship concerns should you choose to give it a second chance.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQS)
What to say to an ex who keeps texting you?
If you’re receiving a text from an ex repeatedly and you’d like it to stop, you must create boundaries with them. Say something like, “Please do not text me again.” If applicable, tell them you need time to heal and that you’d like them to stop contacting you, or simply state that you don’t feel that it’s healthy for you to continue the conversation and ask them to please respect your boundaries.
What to do when an ex keeps contacting you?
If you’ve broken up with someone and they continue to contact you, and you don’t want them to, you can ask them to please stop. If they continue to contact you after you’ve asked them nicely not to, you can choose to block them on your phone and social media.
- Should I respond if my ex texts me?
When you’re wondering if you should respond to an ex who texts you, it’s really dependent on how they make you feel, your past, how they treated you, and if it’s healthy for you to communicate or not. Some relationships are toxic, and they ended for good reason. Ask yourself whether any good can come out of responding to your ex. Sometimes, we need to put our own mental health first, and this could be one of those scenarios. If texting your ex back will upset you or your day, lead them on, or re-start something that you know deep down isn’t right for you, you may think twice before responding. You get to make this choice, and any boundaries you set should be respected.
- Is texting your ex harassment?
Harassment can be defined as any physical or verbal behavior of an offensive nature that is unwanted and repetitive. Texting your ex becomes harassment if they’ve asked you to stop texting them, and you continue to repeatedly, especially if it can be considered offensive, abusive, or intimidating.
- What to do when your ex stops texting you?
If you were receiving a text from your ex regularly after breaking up and it suddenly stops, it could be hurtful. Possibly, your ex is dating someone new, and they don’t want to make their new partner uncomfortable by talking to their ex. If you are on good terms with your ex and they are no longer texting you, it is okay to reach out and ask how they are doing. Yet, it’s important to remember that you broke up for a reason. Some exes stay friendly and continue to talk, but it’s also completely normal to drift apart and not talk anymore after some time.
- What do you say when your ex says they miss you?
If you’re receiving a text from your ex that says they miss you, they may be feeling sentimental. Deciding what to say really depends on how the relationship ended and how you feel. They may miss spending time with you. You most likely spent a lot of time together as a couple so, it is completely normal to miss each other. Ask yourself if you also miss them. If you feel the same and the relationship didn’t end on bad terms, you could tell them you miss them too, if that’s true. But be aware of the consequences. Do you want to get back together, or do you want to stay broken up? Even more relevant, would that be healthy? If the relationship ended badly or was toxic, your ex could be playing a game to get your attention. It might be best not to answer or respond with a very neutral text if it was a toxic relationship.
- Should I block my ex or ignore it?
Sometimes, it may be necessary to block or ignore an ex. If your ex is harassing you in any way or adding emotional stress to your life, it may be time to block them or take another appropriate action given the situation and what they’re saying to you. Continuing to talk to your ex can keep you from moving on, finding peace within yourself, and meeting someone who is right for you (if that’s what you want). If you’re having difficulties moving on from a past relationship or aren’t sure how to process feelings related to an ex who is reaching out, a licensed therapist can help. They can offer support and guidance for you to work through your feelings, find solutions, or move on.
- Why does he keep texting after a breakup?
If an ex keeps texting you after a breakup, they most likely are having difficulties accepting the relationship is over. When an individual experiences a loss of a relationship, they may go through stages of grief, similar to the those one may face following the loss of a loved one. Your ex may be in the denial phase, not wanting to accept that the relationship is over. If your ex is texting you trying to fix things so you can get back together, they may be in the bargaining phase trying to negotiate themselves back into a relationship with you.
- What to do when an ex doesn’t stop contacting you?
Break-ups are often hard enough as it is. If you have an ex who won’t stop contacting you, it makes it that much harder. If you’re continuously receiving a text from your ex after not responding or even telling them you’d rather not have contact, you can consider blocking them. If someone is repeatedly messaging you and you’ve asked them not to, it can be considered harassment. They may try to contact you through social media, even block. It may be best to block them on all social platforms.
- Why did my ex text me then ignore me?
We can never be certain why people do things or what they are thinking, but there are a few reasons why your ex may have started texting you and then ignored you. It’s possible your ex-partner had a moment where they felt sentimentalor missed you. So, they sent you a message. They may have later regretted initiating contact, whether due to embarrassment, nervousness, mixed feelings, or something else, so they chose to ignore you after. Another reason an ex may have texted you and then ignored you when you responded is that they simply wanted to get a reaction out of you. They wanted to see if you would respond and get on your mind. Be aware of the game that they may play to get attention from you.
- Does ignoring your ex make them miss you?
An ex might miss you if you ignore them. However, unless there is a marked reason to text them, it is fully reasonable to cease contact. Just as you may have feelings to process, they also have feelings to process. If you’ve already set a boundary or stopped communication, it’s something that they should respect. If you ignore your ex purely for the sake of trying to make them miss you, be aware that this is considered a form of manipulation and is not fair to your ex or yourself. Make sure that your intentions are healthy.
- What can the police do about harassing texts?
In case of escalation, save all of the texts. If you’re receiving texts from someone that could be considered harassment, it could be time to seek legal help. Every state has different laws regarding cybercrimes, but you may be able to get a restraining order or press charges. If you feel you’re in danger or experiencing any domestic violence, seek help right away.
- What to do if someone keeps messaging you?
If someone keeps messaging you and you’d like them to stop, you can first politely tell them you’re not interested in talking to them. If their messages continue after you’ve asked them to stop, you can block their number in the setting on your phone. If they find other means to message you, from different numbers or on different social platforms, you can report them for harassment.
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