Can Age-Gap Relationships Work—And Why Are They So Tough?

Even without a significant age difference, being in a marriage or relationship of any kind can present various challenges. When there is a significant age difference, however, there may be some added difficulties (as well as advantages) to take into account. An age gap relationship is when two people of very different ages get together, such as older men with younger women or younger men.

Age gaps can present some internal difficulties for a couple. But these types of relationships can potentially be impacted by outside factors as well. For example, there may be perceptions and judgement from friends, family, and acquaintances about individuals who choose to engage in relationships where the age gap is sizable.

So, what's the acceptable age difference in a relationship? Some people subscribe to the “half your age plus seven” rule, a popular frame of reference for what is considered a socially appropriate age gap in relationships. You may wonder, though, why age matters in a relationship and where these societal views come from.

Why is society concerned with age gaps?

If you are getting involved in an age gap relationship, what can you expect? There are plenty of healthy, long-lasting marriages that feature large age gaps. So, why is there a stigma?

Relationships with a large age gap may face questions about the partners’ motivations or intentions. However, the people in the relationship may not have factored age into their decision to start a partnership, or they may not care what others think. They may choose to spend more of their time and energy improving their relationship, making it the best that they can. For them, the difference in age may be inconsequential.

Still, the relationships that face the most stigma from society seem to be the ones with the largest age gap. A relationship between someone of young adult age and someone of an older age may garner the most attention. When the age gap is considerable, some people outside of the relationship may have strong opinions. They may believe that the two have nothing in common, for instance, that one person is taking advantage of the other, or that they are in phases of their life that are too different. It may take extra effort for the people in the relationship to deal with the age difference, ignore what people think, and still work through any other issues they may have. 

Societal standards for a typical relationship and what the appropriate ages and age gaps should be can make it more challenging for a couple, especially if their loved ones are among those voicing opinions about the relationship. This can potentially put more strain on the union.

Making age differences work

This may prompt the question of whether these couples can have a normal, functioning relationship. Here are some things to keep in mind:

Compromise

In a marriage where one person is significantly older than the other, it can be difficult to feel like an average couple. But compromise is something that the average marriage has to deal with regardless of age. Though the ages may differ, the average marriage has many of the same problems. 

Instead of focusing on the age difference in your marriage, look at them for what they are: differences that any couple might deal with. For instance, just because your younger spouse likes different things doesn’t mean that it is a byproduct of their age. It may simply have to do with being an individual. 

In any marriage, each spouse will be different in their own unique ways. No matter the age gap, it may be important to accept your differences. 

Find time for yourself

In any marriage, being together all the time can wear thin on both parties. That is why it may be important to find time for yourself. This may mean giving the marriage a bit of breathing room so that you can maintain a sense of self and remove some of the tension and stress that an average marriage can have.

Taking time to read, write, play video games, listen to music, or whatever else you enjoy can be helpful.

A little space can strengthen a marriage. It may allow time to decompress, reflect, and develop a longing for your spouse that wouldn’t be there if you spent all of your time together.

Be there for your partner

Like it or not, age gaps in a marriage can make it feel anything but average. It can be quite difficult for the older person in the relationship to deal with some of the negative opinions on the gap in ages and the marriage itself.

It may be helpful to acknowledge that nothing can be done to change other people’s feelings or opinions. What you can do, though, is be there for your partner. Help them through any feelings of negativity that they may be experiencing and let them know that they are not alone. You can’t change what other people think, but you can positively impact your partner and help mitigate those feelings. 

Try to keep things exciting

No matter what the age difference may be in a relationship, there is always a need to keep things fresh and interesting. After all, when two people are together for long enough, it can begin to feel monotonous or mundane.

That age gap can make it feel exciting initially, but there will be a need to find new ways in the future. Try meeting up in fun places, travelling, or experiencing new activities. These changes of scenery, as it were, can help to make things feel fresh and exciting.

These experiences can also help to eliminate some issues regarding the age gap. Keeping the relationship healthy, exciting, and fresh is advisable regardless of the age difference between you and your partner.

Focus on similarities

For those who oppose age differences in relationships, the biggest complaint is often the differences in interests, experiences, and maturity. But for the people in the relationship, the focus should be on the similarities and common interests they share.

Remember what originally drew the two of you together—that made you care about one another and want to enter into the relationship. It can be beneficial to focus on those similarities and look to build on them. Focusing on the positives and the similarities can bring you closer together, give you more things to do, and help you find more ways to enjoy one another’s company.

Therapy for age-gap relationships

Despite your best efforts, you may find that you’re still struggling with various issues in your age-gap relationship. In this case, it may be time to reach out to a professional for support and guidance. Relationship counselors can help you learn to effectively communicate with your partner and identify some areas where improvements can be made. 

There are some barriers to counseling for couples in age-gap relationships, though. The unique issues they experience could cause considerable embarrassment, for example. Moreover, either partner may be hesitant to talk openly about troubles in the relationship. In these cases, online therapy could be the preferable mode of treatment. Many couples report feeling more at ease discussing their problems in a web-based environment. As an added benefit, this form of counseling tends to be more flexible and convenient as well. 

Online therapy has evolved in recent years, and research now supports its use for couples. One recent study found that counseling delivered via videoconferencing technology enhances relationship functioning and has a positive effect on mental health. 

Takeaway

“Age is just a number,” according to the old saying. When it comes to relationships with age gaps, that can be the case, even if it isn’t for everyone. If you’re in a relationship with an age gap and you’re facing difficulties, either in your relationship or due to social stigma, it may be helpful to reach out for support. Regain is an online therapy platform specializing in relationships. The skilled, compassionate counselors here can offer you and your partner tools and guidance to overcome any challenges you may have in your partnership. Reach out today to begin your journey to an improved relationship.