What Should I Do If My Ex Wants Me Back?
Is it ever a good idea to get back together with your ex? The answer is typically different for everyone, partially because we all have unique perspectives and partly because our experiences with our exes differ. Some people have a rule against reuniting with an ex, and some people break up, get back together, and proceed to have a strong relationship.
If you’ve experienced a breakup and your ex wants you back, but you’re unsure of what to do, you may consider a few things when deciding. But first, if there’s even the slightest doubt, you should confirm that they do want you back.
Do they go out of their way to maintain frequent contact with you in person, through friends, over social media, etc.? Do they make a concerted effort to stay “in the loop” about your social and romantic life? Do they try to keep close contact with your family and non-mutual friends? Do they continue to do thoughtful little things for you, such as bring you coffee at work or leave small notes of encouragement for you to find?
If this is the case, you may want to have an honest, gentle conversation to determine if they want to rekindle the relationship. You may find the signs confirm your suspicions. But if you’re mistaken in thinking they want to get back together, asking outright may save everyone involved from a potentially awkward scenario.
What does a healthy relationship look like?
When considering returning to your ex, it may be helpful to take a step back and re-evaluate what a healthy relationship is to you and compare it to your past. The things that make a relationship healthy for two people can vary depending on the couple’s personalities and circumstances. But some basics provide the foundation of every healthy relationship:
Trust- Building trust often takes time, but in a healthy relationship, couples feel they can depend on each other and open themselves up to be vulnerable to one another.
Communication- Partners can tell their thoughts and feelings in a respectful, attentive, non-judgmental way. Even- or maybe especially- when they don’t agree.
Boundaries- A healthy relationship includes partners who meet each other’s needs and observe each other’s space, wishes, and safety in a comfortable, respectful way.
Support- A healthy relationship means the partners encourage each other’s dreams and individual development.
Affection- No matter what your definition of affection is, people in healthy relationships feel valued and appreciated because their partner takes steps to let them know they are.
They want you, but do you want them?
Things can get complicated if you’ve already come to terms with the breakup, but your ex wants to get back together with you. Before you consider reuniting, it is vital to assess honestly whether you’re ready to take a step backward in the process of healing from your split. You’ve already come so far, and reuniting just because they want you back, you’re lonely, or because it’s familiar may only hurt both of you more. If you get back together with someone, it’s best to do so because both of you want to, and you know that you’re both committed to reestablishing a healthy relationship for the right reasons.
How to turn an ex down
Communication can be uncomfortable when you realize your ex wants you back, but you don’t feel the same way. But as with turning anyone down, your ex requires and deserves clear, direct, and honest communication about your feelings.
If you can, take a little time to prepare what you would like to say before jumping into the conversation. Many people contemplating reconciling with an ex do so because they still have feelings, so tact and kindness should be your first strategy. Have the conversation in person, and be prepared to listen attentively.
If things get pushy, insist that they honor your feelings and boundaries. If you don’t want to get back together, say so in a direct way. Point out to them that no is a complete sentence, and you’re under no obligation to concede to their wishes.
What if they want to “be friends?”
Many feel guilty or obligated to be friends with their ex after a breakup. It’s essential to understand that you have nothing to feel guilty about if your ex wants to “be friends” after the breakup, but you’d rather cut ties completely.
Some will use the “we can still be friends” rule to stay connected to an ex they want to get back together with, while others feel like it’s the civil thing to do after a breakup. Regardless of the reason, honesty is always the best policy when this scenario arises. Let them know in a direct but empathetic way that you don’t think a friendship is healthy for either of you. If you aren’t sure, try telling them you need time to process your feelings before agreeing to a friendship post-breakup.
Is it possible to have a healthy relationship with an ex?
Having a healthy relationship with an ex is possible if you’re on the same page and agree that you want to give the relationship another shot. First, you must be willing to learn from the mistakes of your relationship before you split in the first place. It’s essential to remember that this requires open and honest communication on a level you may not have been capable of or willing to have before.
Wanting your relationship back isn’t likely to be all you need to make it work- you’ll need to make a concerted effort to not only repair the breaches that caused your breakup in the first place but also to work together to mend the bruised feelings you likely sustained when you split. The best way to ensure success when reuniting with your ex and mending your past relationship is to speak with a professional specializing in couples therapy.
Take it slow
Depending on how long you were apart, you might be getting to know this person all over again. Think of all the ways you’ve both changed- get to know your ex as the person they are now, and make sure that your ex gets to know you like your current self. If you want to be thorough, spend time together as friends firsthand. Be cognizant of the signs you’d look to in any partnership to see if it’s going well. Do you have fun doing mundane things like grocery shopping with this person? Are they someone you’d be able to enjoy being stuck at the airport with? A good relationship depends on communication, understanding, and the ability to have fun with each other.
How to make sure that old patterns don’t repeat
If your ex wants you back and you’re interested in giving it another shot, it’s important to make sure that old patterns don’t repeat, particularly if there was a specific pattern or issue that strained your relationship in the past. Again, one of the best ways to ensure that old patterns don’t repeat in a rekindled relationship is to go to couple’s therapy. Even happy couples go to premarital counseling and find value in it, so if you’re looking to get back together and are determined to make it work, therapy is a great way to help build a solid foundation.
Online therapy for weighing relationship dilemmas
Whether you are completely against the idea of getting back together with your ex or are ready to give it another try, trust, and transparency are key. Communicate clearly with your ex, taking care to ensure you understand each other’s position and feelings on the topic.
Resisting reuniting with an ex can be a big challenge for many, particularly for those without a strong foundation of self-confidence. It can be tempting to return to old relationships with unhealthy patterns if we don’t think we can do better or are afraid of being alone. While support from friends and family is helpful, professional help from a therapist is the most effective way to identify why you’re having difficulty moving on. Once you understand why- it’s easier to work on how to strengthen your self-esteem and have more autonomy over your relationships.
If you do want to get back together, you may be in a situation where it’s necessary to reestablish trust, communication, and understanding between you. It may seem like beginning all over again. But as with using individual counseling to move on from a relationship, studies show that couples counseling can increase satisfaction in relationships as well.
Despite the benefits, many people don’t seek counseling. The most common reasons for this are related to convenience, scheduling, and budgetary concerns. Some people feel uncomfortable talking to a therapist about the intimate details of their love life, and others feel aversion because of societal or familial stigma against mental health treatment.
The rise in online therapy has demonstrated that platforms like Regain provide a highly effective solution to these barriers to treatment and more. Online therapy allows clients to talk to a mental health professional discretely from home or anywhere with a reliable internet connection when it’s convenient for them. Online therapy is often more affordable than traditional counseling without insurance and as effective. For example, a review of three meta-analysis studies published by the National Center for Health Research indicates that the efficacy of online therapy is comparable to conventional therapy for treating a wide range of mental health issues- many of which contribute to relationship challenges.
The relationship experts at Regain have a diverse range of specializations and offer both individual and couples counseling. Speak to a counselor via text, phone, video chat, and online messaging and begin the journey to better well-being, both in a relationship and on your own.
Frequently asked questions (FAQs)
What does it mean when your ex wants you back?
When your ex wants you back, this means that they’re interested in rekindling your relationship and giving it another try. There are all kinds of reasons why your ex wants you back; they may have spent a lot of time thinking about the good times you both enjoyed together as a couple. Your ex could have also concluded that you two are better together than you are apart.
When your ex wants you back, this also means that you need to figure out what you want. Are you interested in giving your relationship another shot? Do you believe things will turn out better this time around? Your ex may want you back, but ultimately, you need to know what you want, even if figuring it out takes some time. In the end, this will be the best way to move forward.
What should I do if my ex wants me back?
If your ex wants you back, you first have to determine if the feeling is mutual. If you are not interested in rekindling your relationship with your ex, then you should politely let them know, so they aren’t holding out false hope for a reunion.
On the other hand, if you are figuring out how to get her back and are interested in getting back together with your ex, you should definitely have a conversation with them. Ideally, this conversation would discuss what went wrong during your previous relationship and the ways to prevent a repeat when you get back together. To win someone back, don’t be afraid to take as much time as you need to figure things out and decide what you want to do next.
What are the signs when your ex wants you back?
Does my ex want me back? There are some very telltale signs. Some of the most obvious indicators of an ex who wants to get back together are as follows: they maintain frequent contact with you, interact with your social media posts, and want to spend time with you. An ex who wants to get back together may also try to find out if you’ve met anyone new in a romantic sense.
Sometimes, you may not have to guess and wonder if your ex wants you back. There are certain cases where your ex will tell you that they’re interested in giving your relationship another shot. If you believe that your ex shows signs they want you back, directly asking them if they are interested in rekindling the relationship is a great way to find out for sure.
How do you respond when an ex reaches out?
There are many different ways that an ex may reach out. They could call, text, or even make contact via social media. How to respond when an ex reaches out largely depends on how they reach out and what they have to say.
If your ex calls or texts you, as opposed to contacting you through social media, then you can decide whether or not to answer. If you are not comfortable speaking to your ex, you don’t have to pick up the phone. Likewise, if your ex contacts you through social media -- whether by sending you a friend request, liking your social media posts, etc. -- you too have the choice of deciding how and whether or not to respond.
If you’re contacted through social media by your ex, you can accept their friend request, follow them back, or even send them a direct message...if you want to. When faced with an ex trying to restart contact with you, respond in a way that makes you most comfortable.
Why would an ex want to be friends?
There are a plethora of reasons why an ex might want to be friends. Your ex could genuinely admire you as a person and think of you as someone worth having in their life. Another real and common possibility is that your ex wants to be friends hoping that you two may reunite romantically later down the line. Likewise, if you and your ex have mutual friends in common, they may view staying friends as easier than having no contact altogether.
Different people respond to breakups in different ways. If you and your ex split amicably, then there’s a real possibility that they could want you in their life, even if not as a romantic partner. Relationships are complicated, as are breakups.
How do you tell if your ex misses you?
An ex who misses you will generally try to maintain contact with you. This can happen through phone calls, social media posts, text messaging, etc. Sometimes, this contact will happen consistently; in other cases, your ex may go for periods of time without any contact, only to later try to reach you out of the blue.
You should also know that if your ex misses you, they may ask what you’re doing, how you’ve been, etc. All of these actions are signs of your ex trying to maintain a place in your life. If your ex misses you, they may also confess that they miss you at one point or another.
How long before an ex reaches out?
After a breakup, it is more common than not for an ex to reach out within days to months. Of course, this is a very broad range; the specifics of whether an ex is likelier to reach out within a few days as opposed to a few months depends upon how the relationship ended, whether or not they’re interested in getting back together, why you two are no longer an item, etc.
Some people have found that their exes actually reached out to them when they least expected it. You can guess all day long about how much time will pass before an ex reaches out, but ultimately, there’s no way to know for sure.
Why does my ex still talk to me?
If your ex still talks to you, they may very well be interested in getting back together with you. At the very least, the fact that your ex is still speaking with you indicates that they’re interested in being in your life.
Whether or not your interactions with your ex are positive or negative can also provide some insight into why they’re talking to you. If your ex speaks to you positively, then there’s a strong chance that they have good intentions and wish to be in your life for good reasons. However, if the interactions that you have with your ex are frequently negative, this can be toxic to your mental health; for this reason, reconsidering whether or not you and your ex should speak to one another could be a good idea.
Why does my ex keep calling me?
There are several reasons why an ex could keep calling you. Chances are they’d like to speak to you, know how you’re doing, and not lose touch. An ex who regularly calls you may also have hope that you two will eventually get back together and reunite.
If you and your ex went through a rough breakup, they might also be hoping to amend things if they keep calling you. With that being said, you are under no obligation to speak with your ex if you do not want to. If your ex continues calling you even when you’re consistently not answering or after you’ve told them not to, then that’s a problem. Blocking their number may be a good idea if you are not comfortable with them repeatedly calling you.
Why does he want to stay friends after breaking up?
If children are involved, this could be another reason why an ex wants to stay friends.
Every situation is different, and wanting to know why an ex wants to stay friends post-relationship is understandable. Some people have also found that staying friends with an ex makes work relationships or even home relationships easier. If an ex in your life has expressed an interest in remaining friends with you despite the breakup, you can always ask them to give an honest answer as to why.
Why is being friends with an ex a bad idea?
Some people have argued that no one should remain friends with an ex. Generally, folks of this mindset believe that trying to stay friends with your ex can interfere with you processing the breakup and moving on.
Others have argued that being friends with an ex can cause problems in future relationships and even have adverse impacts on your mental health; people with this particular outlook often advocate for cutting off all contact with an ex, removing them from your social media accounts, etc.
Despite the mild stigma that is sometimes attached to being friends with an ex, you ultimately have to do what you believe is best. If both you and your ex are comfortable with staying friends, there is nothing wrong with giving that a shot and seeing where it goes.
Is it healthy to keep in touch with an ex?
Keeping in touch with an ex can be healthy, assuming that these interactions are positive rather than negative. Some people have an easier time with this than others; however, if you and your ex can treat each other with respect and not hurt one another, there’s nothing wrong with staying in touch.
"My ex texted me. Should I keep in touch?" Many people have found that staying in touch with their exes helped them maintain a good friendship or even get back together with their ex. There is no guarantee that these results will stem from keeping in touch with your ex; however, you ultimately won’t know if keeping up with your ex is healthy for you until you give it a try.
With that being said, if you and your ex broke up because of atrocious acts or other serious problems, keeping in touch is generally not healthy or recommended.
What does it mean when your ex wants you back?
What do I do when my ex wants me back?
What to say to an ex who wants me back?
How do you tell if your ex genuinely wants you back?
How long after a breakup do couples get back together?
How do you know your ex still has feelings for you?
Why do exes want you back when you've moved on?
How do you know if your ex misses you spiritually?
What does it mean when your ex still sleeps with you?
How do you know if your ex wants you back but won't admit it?
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