Couples Therapy Exercises You Can Try At Home
Whether a couple seems to be drifting apart or the desire to broaden and strengthen an already strong relationship, consulting a qualified couples counselor is rarely a waste of money and effort. Outside of this relatively formal environment, though, building a relationship is still a continuous process that requires the couple to take what they have learned inside of the counselor's office and apply it to their daily lives. Part of it means showing affection and consideration daily. Still, a few couple's therapy exercises, such as communication exercises for couples, as well as intimacy exercises for couples, can also help to improve communication and understanding between them or help them get more out of their relationship. Fortunately, because everyone who has taken couple's counseling realizes that the real work takes place outside of the therapy sessions, there is an abundance of tried and true couple's therapy techniques that can be done at home. Here are a few great exercises to get you started that will help you at any point in your journey.
Couples therapy exercises for bedtime
There are a number of couples therapy exercises you can practice before bed time that can help improve your relationship with your partner.
Foster closeness through physical intimacy
Physical intimacy makes up a major part of most romantic relationships, and actual sex is just one component. Touching or just being near another person provides us with feelings of safety and validation. It helps us relax, thereby lowering our guard and allowing a couple to be more open with one another. (Keep in mind that this will only work if you desire to be closer to your significant other or if there is no issue with one partner being physically intimate with another. Attempting to be intimate when both partners are not ready or not willing can do more harm than good.)
Communicate about your conflicts before going to bed
Although it is good to get into the habit of not going to bed angry, every argument can't be resolved before 11 p.m. Still, it's important to show at least that you can appreciate your partner's viewpoint and you are willing to take it seriously. Allowing each of you to stew in resentment and anger until you're able to discuss the issue further will only make finding a compromise that much more difficult. With this in mind, try setting aside a time each day that will allow you to vent, listen, and resolve conflicts before you go to bed. If conflicts are typically small, this may not be necessary, and you can solve conflicts as they come your way throughout the morning and afternoon.
Engage in eye contact
Another great habit to cultivate is to stare into each other's eyes for several minutes before bed. Most people find prolonged eye contact with strangers highly uncomfortable, but this certainly shouldn't be the case in a romantic relationship and is often a great way to connect with your partner after a long, hectic day. Sit or lie comfortably close together and look at each other for several minutes. A good way to measure this time is to do it for the duration of a song you both like, and of course, you are allowed to blink. Doing this can lead quite naturally to some cuddling, which in itself is a good way to deepen your bond. If you want, you can also turn this time into one of discussion to tell your partner all that you love about them.
Scheduling special times together
Communication can break down in a relationship by just getting into the habit of biting their tongue or postponing hard talks to a time that never seems to come. Obviously, we don't want to launch into contentious discussions when our partners are tired or already upset, but if we don't make time to clear the air, this chore will end up never being done. It is, therefore, a good idea to set aside 30 minutes or an hour each week during which you promise to be entirely open with each other. The best way to do this is to choose a time when you and your partner are relaxed, such as on a Sunday morning. Listen instead of just talking, and remember to focus on behaviors instead of personalities.
Have fun together without distractions
Similarly, whether you've just gotten together recently or already have children, it's important to have some fun together without any distractions. This doesn’t have to be anything that requires an enormous effort. Things like packing a picnic basket and heading to the parks or going to dance classes together when you have time might be just the key. However, it is generally a good idea to make sure that you schedule date nights every week and make sure that there are no excuses that can get in the way. You should commit to your set time, as falling out of this habit can bring negative feelings back to the relationship. It is also important that you leave any other concerns or problems behind during this time. This is a time for you and your partner to reconnect, not a time for you to focus on external issues.
Provide affection and appreciation
Regardless of how healthy a relationship is, things can often grow stale over time for most couples, making it easier for the most important aspects of relationship upkeep to fall to the wayside as life continues. Whether you have quite a bit of your time is taken up by children, your schedule is packed with work, or you just have fallen out of touch, it can be hard to pay as much attention to your partner as you used to when there doesn't seem to be enough time in the day.
Whatever the reason may be, this lack of attention can greatly impact your relationship, and your partner may feel as they are not as appreciated or that you don't care about them as much as you used to. If these feelings are not expressed or resolved, they can lead to resentment as the relationship continues and can tie into other arguments or problems that a couple is having. As an action, you and your partner can commit to couple workout goals so that both of you can keep in touch while keeping both physically fit.
Before this is allowed to happen, and once a couple of notices, it is important to get back into the habit of making your affection and appreciation known regularly. The biggest issue with this habit is that many couples believe that they have to put a ton of effort into their gestures, which can be quite time-consuming and take a lot of energy. While grand gestures once in a while can be amazing, you don't have to put in that much effort each time to show your partner that you love them.
Open communication is key
It can be a great idea for you and your partner to talk about what you would like to see more of from each other, what you guys have done for each other recently that the other enjoyed, and some of the highlights of your relationship that made the difference. Once you have a solid list of more things that you can do consistently, you can then make an appreciation list that helps you and your partner track all of the amazing things that you have done and all of the effort that you have put out for each other.
Once each partner feels loved and appreciated in the relationship, it becomes easier to work on other issues and move forward. It also helps to eliminate some of the other stressors in the relationship.
Start from the beginning and rediscover your significant other
After a long time spent in a relationship, especially in a relationship that has lost its initial spark, you can feel as though your partner is a person you are merely tolerating rather than someone you still love. Unfortunately, the longer you hold someone in that light, the more difficult it is to find your way back to them.
Start with a clean slate
Although not everyone can, one way to solve your issues is to wipe the slate clean. Find forgiveness for anything they may have done, throw your resentment to the wind, and pretend you are just meeting them for the first time rather than having the history that you do.
Once you have decided to restart, treat your significant other as though they were a prospective date. What do you love about them? What attracts you to them? Could you picture a future with this person? Sometimes, we forget about the things that we love about a person when we are with them for a long time, and looking at them as if we were meeting them can help remind us of why we ended up with them in the first place!
With a renewed sense of love and a fresh slate, you can then move forward and treat your relationship the way it should've been treated in the first place. Without the previous regrets and resentments that used to make it impossible to work out of your current state, you and your partner can now act more loving, more patient, and kinder towards each other as you adhere to new rules and tactics that help you both manage the relationship more effectively.
Is it time for couples therapy?
There are many steps you can take to bolster your relationship before attending couples therapy, but you might want to consider reaching out to a therapist sooner rather than later. Many couples believe that couples therapy is a last-ditch effort; something partners do when all else has failed. That is a common misconception, and evidence suggests that couples who attend counseling early, before problems become overwhelming, are significantly more likely to see a happier outcome.
Participate in couples therapy exercises online
You might consider trying online therapy with your partner. Online couples therapists use the same evidence-based techniques as their in-person counterparts, and the therapy process is generally the same. However, you and your partner can participate in therapy from home, either together or separately. That removes the hassle of traveling to an office and comes with the added bonus of being able to choose from more practitioners than are available locally.
Many people have also found that their online therapy experience is significantly cheaper than in-person therapy. While the cost savings may make it seem as though the quality of care is lower for online therapy, evidence suggests the opposite. Research indicates that online couples therapy is, in most cases, just as effective as in-person alternatives. If you are considering couples counseling, online therapy may be a viable way to access a therapist while reducing the burdens of traditional therapy.
Takeaway
Sometimes, the best way to heal a bond is to move forward and to remember what made a relationship special in the first place. However, this is a piece of advice that you shouldn't force. If serious underlying issues hinder the relationship, these can't be ignored and must be properly dealt with before a couple can move forward.
Marriage and Family Therapists act as someone within the relationship dynamic who can look at things, analyze them, and identify the issues and the possible solutions to improve the relationship. However, the power of counseling can only go so far, and it lies on you and your partner to be the ones who take action and who have the motivation to see those relationship problems and work through them. If you are looking for marriage exercises outside the office that can help you achieve this, some of the tips provided above will give you ways to properly implement your knowledge so that you can foster and maintain a relationship that is loving once again.
Frequently asked questions (FAQ)
What questions are asked in couples therapy?
A couple’s therapy will look different for every couple. However, there are certain couple’s counseling exercises that most couples will experience when they work with a couple’s counselor or a family therapy counselor.
The first couple’s therapy session will typically have the counselor ask the couple a series of questions to understand better what’s going on and what the couple is struggling with. Additionally, most couple’s counselors will ask the couple to prepare their own questions for each other. Some of these questions may include:
- What are the biggest problems in your relationship?
- When did the problems start?
- Do you trust each other?
- What do you love about each other?
- Do you still love each other?
- Do you want counseling to work, and do you want to stay together?
- What can each of you do to make your relationship better?
- Are you satisfied with the level of intimacy in the relationship?
A couple’s counseling exercises are an intense and sometimes painful experience. Still, it is important to be completely honest with both your therapist and your partner to make it work. Make sure to make yourself heard, express your thoughts, emotions, and feelings, and make sure that you listen to the things your partner is saying.
What is the success rate of couples therapy?
On average, the success rate of couple’s therapy is 70-80%. This assumes that the couple’s counseling sessions include focused therapy, that both partners are willing to work for it and want things to work, and that they complete all the required exercises.
In addition to couple’s counseling, some therapists may recommend individual cognitive therapy sessions or talk therapy sessions if deeper issues need to be worked on. In these cases, the couple’s therapist should recommend other therapists to work with individually.
It is important to note that even the best couple’s therapy sessions won’t help a couple that isn’t interested in putting in the work to stay together. However, when led by a well-trained couple’s therapist and a couple who wants to stay together, most couples state that the couple’s counseling made their relationship significantly better.
Do marriage counselors ever suggest divorce?
A reputable couple’s counseling therapist will never suggest divorce or that a couple stays together. The role of a therapist is to help a couple determine for themselves where they want to go with the relationship. They are there to make sure that each party’s feelings are heard, that their viewpoints are respected and that they each understand what needs to be done and improved upon in the relationship.
It is considered completely unethical for a therapist to suggest divorce in any situation or suggest an obviously unhappy couple that they must stay together. The only exception is in an abusive relationship. In that case, the therapist may discreetly offer information to the abused party if they appear to want out of the relationship.
Will counseling save my relationship?
There is no guarantee that couples therapy or marriage therapy will save your relationship. However, in most couple’s counseling situations, the couple has a significantly improved relationship after attending counseling sessions.
If both parties want the relationship to work and are willing to put in the effort required to save the relationship, typically, counseling will be effective with a trained and expert therapist. It is important to go specifically to a therapist or counselor familiar with the issues you are dealing with and a neutral party.
This means that the therapist has never met or interacted with either of you and is not already either party’s primary therapist. This allows the therapist to be completely unbiased and provide the couple with honest evaluations and assessments of what each person needs to work on and what the couple needs to work on together. This also helps the couple to feel more comfortable, as neither person will feel like the therapist is already “against them.”
When should you see a couples counselor?
Ideally, it would help if you decided to see a couple’s therapist as soon as possible. When you first realize that the problems in your relationship are beyond your ability to solve on your own, but you still want the relationship to work, then it’s time to see a counselor. The sooner that a counselor can be involved, the better.
This is because it allows the healing to begin sooner and for the couple to get back on the right track before animosity, frustration, or anger can begin to set in. The longer a couple goes ignoring their problems, not discussing them, and letting them get worse, the harder it can be to reverse the process.
Additionally, you do not need to be married to take advantage of a couple’s counselor. You can take advantage of the knowledge and training of a counselor at any time in your relationship. As soon as you feel a breakdown in communication in the relationship, it is time to see a counselor. Things don’t have to be awful before you decide to take action.
What are some trust-building exercises for couples?
Here are some simple and easy trust-building exercises from the Love is Respect project:
- Practice giving your partner space when they request it. Sometimes, trust is best built through absence.
- Take turns exchanging secrets and facts about each other.
- Stare into each other's eyes. Starting at 30 seconds. Over time, try to work your way up to three minutes.
- Play two truths and a lie. Each partner says three things about themselves, two being true and one false. The other partner then guesses which of the three things is the lie.
- Set at least 30 minutes aside each week for a meeting to appreciate each other, plan fun activities, solve problems, or take care of shared responsibilities together.
What is the most common problem addressed in couples therapy?
Almost any problem that couples face can be addressed in couples therapy, except for abusive behavior. If one partner disparages the other, controls them, uses coercion, or is aggressive or violent, the other partner should strongly consider seeing a therapist individually before pursing couples therapy.
Relationship concerns that may be addressed in couples therapy
- Poor or absent communication
- Lack of trust
- Difficulty balancing responsibilities like chores, childrearing, and work
- Problems with emotional or physical intimacy
- A feeling of “growing apart” or “losing the spark”
What is the Gottman Method?
The Gottman Method is a type of couples therapy based on the research of John Gottman, an American psychologist and relationship expert. Gottman researched thousands of couples and collected data about what makes a relationship likely to fail. He found that many couples struggle with similar things, and he developed his method to address the most common barriers to happiness in a relationship. Gottman’s work is based heavily on preventing the appearance of his “four horsemen:” criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Early in his research, Gottman noted that once one or more of the horsemen appeared, the relationship was much more likely to fail. Despite the increased likelihood of the relationship ending, Gottman was able to identify specific strategies that could bring the relationship back from the brink of failure. His “antidotes” form the basis of the Gottman Method.
What should you avoid saying in couples counseling?
You can say anything you like in couples counseling. It is generally best to be forthright and straightforward. Sharing your concerns honestly and openly will likely help your partner understand you better and give your therapist the clearest picture of your concerns within the relationship. However, it is important that you remain civil and polite during the process. Don’t use couples therapy as an opportunity to disparage your partner or put them down. The therapist can likely help facilitate healthy communication.
What type of therapy is best for couples?
There are many approaches in couples counseling therapy, and a therapist will work with the couple to determine the course of treatment that will work best for them. Couples therapy usually begins with the therapist getting a detailed perspective of the relationship from both partners. From there, the therapist will work with them to establish goals to improve their relationship. Based on the couple's concerns and goals, the therapist will then typically recommend a type of therapy to try.
Can couples therapy fix a broken relationship?
Many couples report a significant improvement in their relationship after attending couples counseling. Evidence suggests that over 70% of couples indicated at least some increase in relationship satisfaction after therapy. While the odds are in therapy’s favor, its not a cure-all, and some relationships do still fail.
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