Is Couple's Therapy Right For Your Relationship?

In a romantic relationship, two or more people are making an active choice to be together. Oftentimes, this requires sacrifice, commitment, trust, and compromise. Because building and maintaining a healthy relationship generally requires active work and communication, it’s expected (and even healthy) for there to be disputes from time-to-time. But when are disputes “normal,” and when are they a sign of a bigger problem?

Deciding when couple’s therapy would be helpful, or necessary, can be very difficult, especially for couple’s who are worried about the stigma sometimes associated with couple’s counseling or are concerned about paying for therapy.  

Though almost any couple could benefit from couple’s therapy, this article will explore signs that may indicate it’s time to seriously look for a relationship therapist, and options outside of in-person couple’s therapy that may make mental health services more convenient for you and your partner. 

When is couple’s therapy unnecessary? 

While most couples can benefit from couple’s therapy, it can be expensive and time-consuming commitment. For this reason, you might find yourself wondering, “Is couple’s therapy the best option for us right now?” 

According to Ian Kener, a licensed couple’s therapist, you might not need to reach out to a professional if both partners feel happy, connected, and seen in their relationship. Ian recommends looking out for small signs that may indicate problems, like a sense of disconnection, boredom, resentment, repeated arguments, or any other indicators that may necessitate outside help. 

As licensed mental health counselor (LMHC), Kristie Overstreet, says, “Most issues within a couple start small and then grow when they don’t get resolved. This is where therapy can help, by giving tools and techniques to improve conflict resolution […] The majority of couples that I work with say that they should have started therapy years earlier.”

Many couples find themselves worried about reaching out to a couple’s therapist because of stigma. They might believe that couples only get professional help when they’re on the brink of breaking up, or that couple’s therapy is only for married couples or those experiencing infidelity. But if you or your partner are experiencing minor disputes or miscommunication, it’s likely that therapy can help you address your concerns before they escalate and grow stronger by addressing them proactively.  

Signs that you need to attend relationship therapy

There are some clear signs—like infidelity, name calling, stonewalling, or abuse—that indicate when couple’s therapy is probably necessary. But there are some other signs to look out for that can be a little more subtle, too. Here are some of the signs that couple’s therapists often recommend looking out for: 

1. Perpetual negativity

Disagreements and hurt feelings happen occasionally in most relationships. But, when fights become routine or partners begin to view their relationship negatively overall, it could be a sign of larger problems that need to be addressed. A couple’s therapist can help you uncover the root of your feelings and learn to communicate your needs more effectively to one another, with the goal of increasing your overall relationship satisfaction and quality of life. 

2.  Lingering hurt

All relationships experience hurt feelings on occasion, but many people can only move on once the problem is addressed, and changes are made. If hurt feelings are buried, it’s common for resentment or frustration to build. 

For example, imagine that one partner’s feelings are hurt when their partner doesn’t put equal effort into cooking or caring for them. To avoid a dispute, they may decide not to bring up their concerns, and the problem will likely persist. Alternatively, they may choose to bring up the problem, and their partner, despite promising to do better, might not make lasting changes to contribute more. In both cases, lingering hurt may leave the first partner feeling unappreciated, alone, and increasingly hurt by repeat offenses. 

Couple’s therapy can create an opportunity to foster an open dialogue between the partners, create a plan for improvement, and help both parties learn to voice their concerns and listen to each other more effectively. 

3. Avoidance

Avoidance, or stonewalling, is a common defense mechanism that many people use to avoid trouble, negativity, and conflict. If one partner is avoiding the other, it may be that they do not wish to fight or be harshly judged by their partner. Avoidance may be a last-ditch effort to save a relationship that is undergoing difficulties without addressing the problems head-on. 

It can be difficult to maintain a relationship when partners skirt around issues or are not physically present for one another. In couple’s therapy, the therapist can help to diffuse the situation and create a calm and safe environment to develop a dialogue and healthier strategy to address challenges without dissolving into what some psychologists call a pursuer-distancer dynamic. 

4. You see your partner as an enemy (or in a different light)

When a relationship first starts, many people find themselves focusing on the best parts of one another. The early attachment stage, characterized by high levels of dopamine (the “feel good” hormone), can encourage partners to view one another in the best possible light. 

Over time, relationships may grow more deeply emotionally intimate and committed, and partners may start to view each other differently. For some people, their view of their partner may become sour, and despite loving them and being committed to the relationship, they may find that they feel distanced, annoyed, or completely at odds with their partner.  

If you're feeling as though you're drifting away from your partner, it can be helpful to go to therapy to regain that sense of togetherness and resolve your issues so that you can rediscover why you fell in love with them in the first place.

5. A lack of compromise

Your significant other is known as your partner for a reason, and that is because you are working on the relationship together. If one or both partners are unwilling to compromise and insist that the other needs to change, it will likely lead to ongoing conflict that could escalate over time. In couple’s therapy, partners can learn to actively listen to each other’s needs and discover how to communicate their needs in a non-judgmental, effective way. 

6. There’s a lack of appreciation, consideration, and excitement

At the beginning of a relationship, many partners will do their best to be kind and considerate. However, as partners relax into their relationship and grow more comfortable around each other, it’s common to develop a sense of complacency or take one another for granted. 

Through couple’s therapy, partners can learn to show love through their partner’s love language and rediscover how good it can feel to make your partner feel loved, appreciated, and cherished. 

When therapy might not be enough to “fix” the relationship

Though many relationships can heal from unhealthy dynamics, abusive behaviors are often difficult or impossible for a couple to work through. Abuse describes any repetitive pattern of behavior that one partner uses to gain control or power over their partner. In addition to physical violence, common types of domestic violence to look out for include the following: 

1. Identity or cultural abuse

In a relationship where one individual has a certain cultural identity that differentiates the way they live from the common culture around them, abusers may threaten their partner by saying that they will use their culture against them (i.e., threatening to tell an LGBT community member's family and friends that they are secretly gay) or will force them to not partake in their culture (which may come in the form restricting them from observing religious rights).

2. Financial abuse

Financial abuse includes actions taken to control a partner’s finances and independence. A partner engaging in financial abuse may restrict the use of credit cards or cash, intentionally harm their partner’s credit score, limit job opportunities, and otherwise take action to hamper their partners financial independence. 

3. Emotional and verbal abuse

Emotional and verbal abuse is a type of abuse that affects an individual's mental health and self-esteem. This type of abuse can be subtle, but may include things like scapegoating, name calling, manipulation, excessive jealousy, threats, dismissing concerns, or yelling. This abuse can undermine the victim’s confidence, trust in themselves, and power.   

4. Sexual abuse

Sexual abuse can include many things, such as coercion, withholding sex, unwanted sexual contact, demeaning behavior, threats of violence, or any other sexual contact or behavior that occurs without consent, according to the United States Department of Justice. Like other forms of abuse, sexual abuse can manipulate, humiliate, injure, frighten, or isolate victims, giving the abuser more power. 

The benefits of online couple’s therapy

Once you’ve determined that couple’s therapy could be beneficial for your relationship, you’ll probably start looking for a therapist. At this point, some couple’s may discover that their health insurance (if they have it) does not cover couple’s therapy, and that out-of-pocket costs can be prohibitive. If this is the case for you, you might want to consider trying online couple’s therapy on a platform like Regain. In addition to often being more cost-effective than in-person therapy, online therapy can be more convenient, and it offers many couples a greater sense of control and comfort during sessions. 

Many peer-reviewed studies support the effectiveness of online couple’s therapy, with a 2021 study finding no difference between the strength of the therapeutic alliance between in-person and online couple’s therapy, and that online therapy can improve both the relationship satisfaction and mental health of couples.

Takeaway

Many couple’s experience occasional challenges and disputes that can be resolved in therapy. Oftentimes, addressing challenges proactively with a professional can reduce the likelihood that problems progress over time. If you believe your relationship could benefit from therapy, but you’re concerned about the cost, you might want to consider options like online counseling or group therapy, which can be more affordable options.