Using Marital Therapy To Improve Your Relationship

What can you expect in marital therapy?

Typically, when you attend marital therapy, you meet together with your partner and a therapist. Sometimes, a marital therapist also recommends that each individual pursue couples therapy.

During the first couples therapy session, the therapist might meet briefly with each partner to gain their unique perspectives on the relationship and the problems. For the most part, the first session is dedicated to the therapist gaining an understanding of the problems affecting the relationship and what the couple has already tried to do to fix them. 

After the first session, couples typically meet with their marital therapist weekly. Usually, the sessions will tie back to the broader goals, and there will be a plan for the course of sessions to help bring the couple closer to the goals they want to achieve. At times, there may be more immediate concerns that the couple wants to address. At other times, the sessions may be used to practice new skills and means of communication. Finally, the time may be used to discuss things that are difficult to talk about one-on-one. The therapist's presence can mediate any difficult discussions that have been left unsaid.

How do you get the most out marital therapy?

If you and your partner choose to attend therapy, you are probably devoting valuable time and resources to it. To get the most out of therapy, you should strongly consider being open-minded towards the process and honest about what is going on. You will also likely need to try new ways of approaching your relationship, so it will likely be helpful to be willing to adopt new perspectives.

If your therapist assigns homework, it should be completed as directed. This will help you practice new skills outside of the therapy session. It will also help the overall progress of therapy if you do some of the work at home and then come back into the session to discuss it further. If you’re uncomfortable with some aspect of the homework, you should discuss it with your therapist. However, often, a big part of therapy is stepping outside your comfort zone, so your therapist may encourage you to try your best to complete the assignment as requested. 

When should you seek help through marital therapy?

Many couples feel uncertain about when they should seek additional help through professional counseling or therapy. Evidence suggests that the best time to go to therapy is as soon as problems appear, before they can become overwhelming. However, many couples do not attend therapy until more obvious signs are present. 

One sign that therapy may be helpful is if you and your partner frequently argue. This could be many small arguments or big arguments. Perhaps those arguments lead to no resolution. More broadly, there may be challenges with communication. Perhaps you and your partner have conflicts that you are avoiding discussing, causing poor or tense communication. Maybe there are even topics you want to discuss that you are hesitant to talk about or do not know how to talk about.

In these cases, a therapist may be able to help you improve your communication, help you say the things you need to say, and even help you get past the arguments you keep having. They may teach you how to disagree in healthier ways to have more productive discussions.

Another set of circumstances that might lead a couple to marital therapy is when something major has affected the relationship, such as a major life change, violation of trust, or other factors that is putting significant strain on the marriage. 

John Gottman, an American psychologist and relationship expert, conducted research to determine what factors indicated the highest risk that a relationship would end, discovering four major factors. He called these four factors "The Four Horsemen" because, if left unaddressed, they could spell doom for a relationship. These four horsemen are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. Each of these factors disrupts communication and makes it difficult for a couple to resolve their problems. However, a marital therapist may help a couple get past these factors and resolve their history of discord.

Where to find a marital therapist?

There are many different resources to help you find a marital therapist for your relationship. One key thing is to select a therapist that both partners feel comfortable with. For example, if you have a non-traditional relationship, such as a polyamorous couple or open marriage, you will want a therapist who is open to that lifestyle to feel understood, accepted, and not judged by the therapist. Other times, people approach their marriage with some religious affiliation, so they may prefer a therapist who holds similar views and perhaps even approaches couples therapy with a religious stance.

You might also consider online therapy when searching for a marital therapist. Online therapy has become increasingly popular in recent years because it offers benefits beyond that of traditional therapy. It is often cheaper than in-person options, and the remote nature of online therapy means you have access to therapists outside your local area. Access to a greater number of therapists gives you more flexibility when choosing a mental health provider. Online therapy also removes the hassle of traveling to an office by letting you attend therapy from any location you choose. 

Although some may be concerned that online therapy is less effective than traditional therapy, evidence suggests this is not the case. Overall, research indicates that, for most concerns, online therapy is just as effective as in-person therapy. This is especially true for most forms of couples therapy, which have been extensively studied in remote settings and found to be effective. 

Takeaway

Marital therapy is a viable option to help couples improve their relationship satisfaction. It is available to all couples, married or unmarried. Evidence suggests that attending therapy early when problems are still small, is likely to lead to better outcomes than attending therapy after problems have become overwhelming. Attending couples therapy usually means practicing communication, identifying the root cause of problems, and developing healthy conflict resolution skills.