What Is Gottman Therapy, And How Can It Help Couples?

Have you been thinking about couples therapy and come across the Gottman Method? Many couples have tried this method of therapy to resolve conflict and improve their relationship. Below, we’ll look at the Gottman Method, its origins, and its core tenets, including the theory of a relationship as a house, the four horsemen of conflict, and the ratio of good to bad times.

John Gottman, relationship scientist

In the 1980s, John Gottman, the Gottman Method’s developer, worked as a couple's counselor and mental health professional who believed there was a better way to understand issues that were raised by partners in couples therapy. He thought this could be based on a more comprehensive model of a healthy relationship that better encapsulates the science of love. He also believed that this approach could help identify warning signs that would strain a relationship. He wanted all of these ideas to be supported by thorough research and analysis.

The early development of Gottman Method couples therapy began when Gottman interviewed dozens of couples and developed a system for assessing each partner's perception of how the relationship worked. Through individual and paired sessions, he observed how they interacted and the verbal and nonverbal ways they communicated their attitudes toward each other. He developed an eye for seeing which kinds of conflicts were surface level and which were related to deeper concerns. His work, in tandem with his wife, Dr. Julia Gottman, eventually resulted in the development of the Gottman Institute, an institution that studies relationships, dating, and marriage.

The Gottman Institute continues to develop and improve the Gottman Method to this day. The Institute also develops other programs, such as couples retreats, parent’s education seminars, and relationship lectures. In addition to resources like couples retreats, resources like Gottman Connect, a digital tool to bolster relationships, are readily available. Programs like Gottman Parenting and Gottman Couple’s Retreats, both of which are based on the same evidence-based principles of Gottman couple’s therapy. Gottman’s resources can help couples connect, make the transition to parenthood more gentle, and offer advanced resources for challenging relationship problems.

Dr. Gottman was meticulous in his approach. One of his greatest efforts was the living space he created for couples to play out a day in their life. He would have couples stay in an apartment he had rented so that they could be observed for a day, providing critical data that underlies the foundation of Gottman Method couples therapy.

Love is a house

One of the core ideas of Gottman relationship therapy is that every relationship is a house. The two framing pillars are trust and commitment, and the seven components within are as follows:

Create meaning

Behind this component is the notion that you and your partner have an understanding of who you are to each other and a grasp of each other's perspective. You have some sense of what the other needs and a sense of each other’s history.

Make life dreams come true

You feel ready to tackle one another's life dreams together, and you understand each other's history that led to those dreams.

Manage conflict

Taking proactive steps to manage conflict is a key tenet of a Gottman Method-based approach.

Here's how:

1. Accept your partner's influence. Your partner has some say in how things work, and you do too. You have some influence over their decisions, and they do over yours too. Accepting and maintaining mutual influence rather than constantly insisting on your way can be crucial to avoiding power struggles.
2. You can have a dialogue about your problems, solve those that are solvable, and accept those that will be perpetual.
3. You practice self-soothing.

Positive perspective

Overall, you and your partner can focus on what you can do and believe that you will solve these problems together no matter how hard it gets.

Turn toward each other instead of away

You can state your needs to one another, actually hear each other, and work through points of conflict, need, or understanding together. This component is about acknowledging that little moments make up life, and you can't turn away even over the small stuff.

Fondness and admiration

You and your partner have established a baseline level of affection for one another. This is also a place where two people in a troubled relationship can immediately start taking action with small gestures of appreciation and respect to improve the environment.

Build love maps

You and your partner understand one another's worlds and know what affection means, the best ways to express it, and how to be there positively.

Rather than providing a system of worksheets and disciplines, the Gottman Method tends to focus on helping couples find simple ways to rediscover their love for one another and avoid becoming bogged down in the negative moments. You can discover more tips for bolstering relationship satisfaction by subscribing to Gottman Love Notes. Gottman Love Notes is a research-based newsletter from the Gottman Institute detailing the latest research, tips, and best practices for healthy relationships. Gottman Love Notes, marriage counseling, emotion coaching, and other resources have a good chance of significantly improving relationship satisfaction.

How to balance the good with the bad

Fights can play out in different ways for every couple. Some couples have explosive blowouts, while others stifle their feelings and avoid talking about anything even remotely confrontational. Most couples are somewhere in between. It is not uncommon for it to feel like the bad moments continue to grow in number and intensity.

Therapists who practice the Gottman Method understand that human beings tend to focus on the negative. We can receive a hundred compliments and spend all night thinking about the one person who said something bad about us. This can be just as true in relationships. We can have weeks of good days, but one bad fight can affect us emotionally.

Gottman created a ratio you can use to determine if your relationship is moving along or heading for trouble. He calculated that you should have at least five positive interactions for every negative interaction, for a ratio of 5:1. These do not have to be strong negative or positive experiences. A moment where you have a heated conversation can be balanced out by spending time together or holding hands. What matters is that the expression of appreciation is heard and received.

Beyond this ratio for measuring a relationship's status, the Gottman Method tends to focus on shifting the perspective on the problems in a relationship.

Finding a new way to view your painful moments

The Gottman Method tends to have a strong emphasis on understanding. Strong relationships are often formed by people who know each other well and who know they can trust that they are there for each other. Strain can arise in relationships when distance starts to emerge between two people. Barriers start to make it harder to communicate, and empathy for one another can become more difficult as a couple drifts apart. This situation can quickly spiral downward.

When things are going wrong, it can be easy to believe that the relationship is wrong. The Gottman Method aims to help people understand that all couples fight and that a healthy relationship is one where two people understand the fights they are having and know how to navigate them.

Another related concept in the Gottman Method is perpetual vs. passing problems. According to Gottman, 69% of the problems couples face are perpetual problems. Having a problem that never completely goes away can be normal. Couples learn that success means accepting they won't solve all their problems, but they learn to handle them.

The four horsemen

In addition to focusing on finding positive connections and reinforcing them, Gottman Method couples counseling has a system for spotting warning signs. For Gottman, these were called the four horsemen because they signaled a relationship that was headed for trouble. While each one's seriousness depends on the degree to which it appears, couples may benefit from keeping an eye out for them.

• Criticism of the partner's personality: It's common to be upset with things your partner does, but when you start getting upset about who they are, it can be stressful for the relationship.
• Defensiveness: When we start feeling unsafe, even attacked, in our relationships, it can lead to serious concerns.
• Stonewalling: Stonewalling can lead to a breakdown of communication. This can be a place that's hard to move out of without some outside support.
• Contempt: This is the most dangerous of the four horsemen, according to Gottman. If contempt has started to appear between two people, it can be difficult to bridge that gap.

The Gottman Method is universal

The Gottman Method is designed to work for anyone. The concerns raised and the tools used to support the relationship have been applied to couples at every stage of life. As long as the participants are looking to reconnect and are ready to be vulnerable, significant progress can be made.

Also, the Gottman Method does not require that your relationship is in dire straits. Many couples do not consider couples therapy until they are experiencing serious problems. The Gottman Method is based on improving the fundamental building blocks of any relationship. If you learn to care for aspects like openness and affection before they have degraded, you may stand a better chance of avoiding difficult times altogether.

The Gottman Method can lead you to renewed happiness

Stress resulting from relationship problems can cause significant harm. It can damage our interactions at work and with friends, and it makes our minds feel chaotic. In situations like this, it can feel impossible to change the story, and it can make you question where all the good times went.

With the Gottman Method, there is a way to see that the seed of your affection is likely still there, just waiting to be nurtured. By tending to the components of a healthy house, flipping the script on how you view negative interactions, and using minor interventions to foster a safe space for one another, it is possible to reverse a downward trend.

If you’re interested in taking the steps to find a therapist but are hesitant to commit to in-person sessions, you might try online couples therapy, which has been proven to be just as effective as in-person therapy. With Regain, you and your partner can talk to a certified Gottman Method therapist from home or anywhere with an internet connection, which may be useful if you and your partner are not always in the same location. You can choose to talk to a therapist via phone or videoconferencing, in addition to contacting your therapist via in-app messaging for support in between sessions.